Overrated/Underrated: Prison Edition

December 16, 2008 | Comments (0) | by Rich Funk

Whaaaaaaaaaat's crackulatin'?

Bet you thought your old boy OJ was gone for good with me gettin' in some trouble in Vegas, right? Shit, ain't no man alive (or murdered) that can keep The Juice down! I gots me a sweet wifi connection here so I can continue to write for this Pimp Capture website. I can also use it to watch YouTube clips from my glory days and even download me some hardcore German porn! Legit!

I've been reading the shirt on this site for a while now, and if you're the kind of person that keeps coming back to read this kind of stuff, I'm assuming that you've spent some time in the slammer. I mean, have you read how sick some of this stuff is? I gots no damn clue what in the hell that's all about. Either way, just in case you've never been to jail, I've got you a list of all the stuff here in County that the shit (and some things that are just shitty).


Joining A Gang: When you first get to jail, getting yourself affiliated with a gang seems like a good idea. You think you're gonna get some protection, maybe a little cuddle time. Sounds good. But that shit is waaaaaay more work than you might think. I'm trying to write a sequel to my successful book from a few years back, but every time I try to get to writin' I gotta stop to go to some inter-gang mixer. And when I gotta do that, I hafta bake cookies or make brownies or whip up a batch of meth or some shit. it ain't worth it. And believe me...you've never felt pressure until you have to find something to wear the the Seasonal Ball that no one else in the prison is wearing. Prison stripes are sooo 1996.

Free Time In The Yard: I used to think that my free time outside was a fun time, but shit! That's when all the damn fights break out! Do you know how hard it is to throw an underhand strike in our intermural softball games if I've got to keep looking over my shoulder to make sure some fool ain't gonna stick me with a sharpened bed post? And let me tell you, it's impossible to pull off a Tea Party or Typewriter in the daily Four-Square game with a shiv in your side.

Prison Sex: I know what you're thinking: 'How can prison sex be overrated? Isn't that why most convicts go to jail?' That may have been how shit worked back in the old days, but times is different now. It ain't all about the reach-arounds and Dutch Rudders anymore. Most of the 'normal' partners are satisfied watching internet porn, so that leaves just the odd dudes around lookin' for some OJ lovin'. And there's way too many things around that The Juice don't like pokin' around where they shouldn't be. Broom handles, wrenches, iPhones...you name it! And no lube.


Food: Prison food's the bomb-dizzle, yo! Some dude said that food is all in the presentation, and this food ain't no exception. When they pile that green shit next to that brown shit and mix in a little of the yellow stuff we have every other day, it makes quite a good mix. It's pleasing to the eye and all that goofy shit. Food cooked for me every day? Shit, that's like being married all over again...except when I verbally assault the cook in here, I gets me a faceful of Mace. Wait, it's exactly like being married!

Books: If you're in jail, you got a lot of time to read the thousands of books they got in the prison library. All that readin' ain't for makin' yourself smarter or any of that shit. It's to see what books have any good info in 'em. Find a book with a good nudie scene in it? Make sure to mark that book and include a drawing of the action in the side margins! Um...that's about it really. Pretty much everything we do here in jail is for one reason: to get our nut off! Werd!

Gang Rape: You know how sometimes you get home from work and your wife has a special dinner planned out and ready for you that you weren't expecting and it's a really unexpected surprise? Gang rape's a little like that, but instead of your wife, it's the Raiders offensive line that's got the surprise for you. The other difference is that when you get the dinner surprise, you follow it up with dessert. In prison, you follow up the gang rape with some light crying, and maybe a little bruising. And then more gang rape.