Today's match: William "Refrigerator" Perry vs. Cocktail Weiners
William "Refrigerator" Perry
As most of you know, The Fridge was a defensive lineman for the Chicago Bears from 1985-1993, followed by a season with the Philadelphia Eagles. He was one of the most dominant and terrifying, yet charismatic players ever to grace the National Football League. His menacing physique (6' 2", 382 lbs) struck fear in the hearts of opposing offenses. Though he primarily played defense, Perry was occasionally used as a blocker for running back Walter Payton. He even scored two running touchdowns in his career, including one in Super Bowl XX.
Even before his playing career ended, The Fridge was a sought-after pop culture celebrity. Perry had a memorable guest spot in an episode of The A-Team, participated in Wrestlemania 2, and lent his considerable rapping skills to groups such as The Fat Boys, not to mention the infamous Superbowl Shuffle. In 2002, you may remember that he participated in a celebrity boxing match against former TMS Man of the Year, Manute Bol. Unfortunately, The Fridge lost that battle in the third round. More recently, Perry has suffered from complications due to Guillain-Barre syndrome, an inflammation disorder which he was diagnosed with in 2008. Our sincerest hopes that The Fridge, one of our most beloved cultural icons, is doing well.
Strengths: intimidating size; beloved by an entire city, and most of the country; recorded a pro-peace, anti-drug rap song with Walter Payton called "Together" in 1999.
Weaknesses: appeared in an episode of According to Jim; only lasted five minutes in the 2003 Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest; participated in the 2006 Lingerie Bowl.
Fun Fact: Perry had his own G.I. Joe action figure in the 1980's.
If there was ever a food item that cried "mystery meat", it is the cocktail wiener. In some regions, these miniature variations on a hot dog are known as Lil' Smokies; in Missouri, they are known as Christmas Dinner. Cocktail wieners are thought to have been created long ago by a farm wife in Iowa. Though your divorced and unemployed uncle eats these wieners as a meal unto their own, please note that you should only consume cocktail wieners if they are being served at a poker party or high school open house. You should never eat more than three in any one sitting. Despite their dainty size and shape, cocktail wieners should not be placed directly into the anus.
Traditionally, cocktail wieners are prepared in a crock pot. The general rule is one package of wieners per one bottle of barbecue sauce. Variations exist, however, such as using one can of cranberry sauce and 12 oz. of chili sauce in place of barbecue. At most grocery stores, one can find both beef and turkey wieners. You might be tempted to think that the turkey wieners are a healthy alternative. Think about that for a moment, then opt for the veggie tray. Regardless of the negative health and social ramifications, cocktail wieners are an explosion of taste in your mouth. Just ask your ghey cousin.
Strengths: bite size portions; often tangy taste; incredibly simple to prepare.
Weaknesses: the health factor; high probability of staining clothing if not handled properly; name is misleading, as they should never actually be served at a cocktail party.
Fun Fact: The number of wiener jokes you make at a party directly correlates with the likelihood that your wife will make you sleep on the couch.