September 09, 2009 | Comments (0) | by Zachary Kenitzer

We're all f&cked.


Today is 09/09/09 - a numerical date that really reflects nothing significant, other that the same number day being in the same numbered month being in the same numbered year (as long as you take out the "20--" part.) But don't be fooled - every major TV outlet, newspaper, radio station and blog, including this one now, will be talking about how today is special.

Today marks the beginning of the end for people who actually believe that numerically unique dates are signs that the world is going to end. These are the same people that built bunkers in their basement, computer free, for Y2K (I survived, did you?) These are the same people that you see at Sam's Club or Kroger stocking up on Spam, Campbell's Soup other non-perishables. These are the same people that are waiting for December 12, 2012 to come.

SPAM - Does the body good

For some of us that live under a rock December 12, 2012 is the supposed date that the Aztec Calender ends, leading a lot of people to believe that the end of the world is occurring on that date. If its not the end of the world then there will be a cataclysmic event (one site I visited even suggested that its the "Dawning of the Age of Aquarius." If I have to endure one more person singing that song, their world will end.) These people are nuts. It seems as if they are coming to the sudden realization that they may not make it past that day. At one point in time I was blissfully unaware that I am going to die, I was two. I think I have a better chance at getting shot by a dog dressed in hunting gear with a gun over its shoulder that seeing the world end on December 12, 2012.

"This human oppression has lasted too long."

I'm not expecting an Orsen Welles/War of the Worlds moment in time here where literally everyone thinks there is an alien invasion, but we could play on the fear that Communist Zombies are invading to indoctrinate out children in their classrooms with the values of Socialism. Oh the horrors! Next the Communists could want to endorse a national health care plan and "death panels" if were not careful!

It actually wouldn't surprise me to hear of a cult that killed themselves today. Heavens Gate comes to mind: matching uniforms, purple covers and "fresh" Nikes (except Nikes are no longer "trendy", so Chuck Taylors will have to suffice today). I mean really what happens more often: the Halley-Bopp Comet or 09/09/09? Exactly.

So in closing, I don't intend to lock myself in my house nor do I plan to go stock up on milk, eggs and bread (which is common before every potential natural disaster in Kentucky). I plan to go about my daily life, and hope that you do the same. But if you really think the world is going to end, or you're just bored at work, just click here.