Overrated: Fireworks

September 23, 2009 | Comments (0) | by Arcturus

Before you all get your patriotic panties in a bunch, let me clarify that I have no issue with the fireworks displays presented on the 4th of July. Those are a grand example of love for country, and when coupled with a good Sousa march, gives me a red, white, and blue boner that lasts until Labor Day. Hell, I don't even mind if my neighbors launch a few bottle rockets on the 4th and who could hate sparklers? Only a communist, that's who.

But that's where my love affair with things that go boom ends. During the last weeks of June leading up to the 4th and the two weeks in July following , all the white trash asshats in my neighborhood continue firing stuff off as soon as it gets dark. If you're shooting fireworks off on any other day then the 4th of July, you're not a patriot; you're just a dick who likes to blow shit up. Enough already. Besides, amateur fireworks suck ass. It's the real thing or nothing.

And being a Cub fan, I guess I've never understood the appeal of setting off fireworks for a team victory or worse, every fucking time one of your players hits a home run. I can read the scoreboard and I can see when a ball leaves the ballpark. If you're so retarded that you need a pyrotechnic display in order to know whether your team won or lost, then I think you're watching the wrong game. And people have a problem when a guy poses too long at home plate to admire a home run, but it's considered okay to shoot a bunch of rockets in the air? Seems like pretty poor sportsmanship to me.

So save your fireworks for the 4th of July, when they actually mean something. God Bless America, bitches.