Overrated: UFC

September 17, 2009 | Comments (0) | by Zachary Kenitzer

I know you love my balls in your face,
hence why I am putting them here.

UFC is Overrated.

Why is it that everyone I know is obsessed with it? Why is it that men enjoy watching other men in tiny shorts, kick and slap each other in the face and legs? If I wanted to watch that I would just sit and watch Oxygen or VH1. I just don't get it.

UFC, or "Ultimate Fighting Championship" if there is such a thing, was created a few years ago in an attempt to create a new fighting league that strives to appeal to white trash, tools and douchebags alike. Their idea was to combine all of the Martial arts into a single "Ultimate Fighting" style. While their efforts were indeed noble, they have failed. When you watch a UFC match it is essentially a glorified version of The Rock (who's a "movie star" now) choke slamming Stone Cold Steve Austin, except WWE had a better script and more action.

Now look: in the interest of Full Disclosure, and the fact that some of you may be screaming at the top of your lungs "Have you ever seen a UFC fight?! You're an idiot if you don't like it," yes, I have seen UFC fights. In fact I tried to make myself like it because it seemed like an interesting idea. I have watched at least 10 fights and not once have I been interested in watching another, yet I forced myself to. If you don't think 10 is enough I don't care.

Moving beyond the initial absurdity of men slapping and kicking each other: What is up with the players or "fighters" themselves? You have these idiot promoters who will do anything to get on TV or promote a fight, including getting "Passed Out" by a rather ugly woman to promote her fight. You have fighters who were either homeless, bank robbers or gay. You have washed up boxers (who were never that good anyway) trying to make it. Whats next: a guy who has seen every Jackie Chan movie and can mimic his every move? I'm still waiting for the "Tool Man" who was a former construction worker like the feel of balls in his face, or "The Weather Man", Al Roker. At least WWE has more inventive story lines, plots and characters.

Secondly: where is the strategy? So a guy puts his hands up to his face, what should I do? Kick him in his shins (duh), or what happens if he jumps? Up+A+B (also known as the Hadōken). Now you can't kick him in the balls or headbutt, but you can do anything but that. Literally you can flail about or punch a guy in his stomach then knee him in the head. Why can't it be more like boxing, where the punches thrown act as more like a pawn and rounds are actually scored by judges who genuinely understand the sport and not this:


Christ, I think I,of all people, could hold this guy off for longer than 14 seconds by simply staying off the fence. Not to mention that this 14 second defeat, nay embarrassment, was supposed to be the pinnacle of the supposed "sport" that UFC was supposed to be. You may think I'm harping on a fight that just "wasn't that good" but did you see the build up to it? When the main contender dropped out Mr. Pink Hair (a scrub) came in.

One of these two guys is a UFC fighter.
Does it really matter which one?

Third: What the hell is up with naming your events not by people involved but by number? Do you ever see Lightweight Worldwide 55 for Boxing? No. What happens when UFC reaches 100? Its like the first American flags where they decided that they would add a new star and stripe for each additional state, they quickly found out that the average flag would be larger than the state of Rhode Island. What happens when your average sports guy says "Remember UFC 45?" and the other guy goes "Which one is that again?" Besides, is naming the fighters really that big of a deal, I mean, it is your job to make these people famous, is it not? ESPN, the monolith of all sports, has commentators who are former players/professionals/coaches for almost all of their sports. I'm not saying that's a good thing or a bad thing, but when your commentators for UFC are former UFC "Fighters" that I, or most of the public, has never heard of there is a problem with publicity.

Finally, the thing that just makes me think to my self, "WTF" about UFC is the utter fascination with the clothing line that they themselves created. We're sorry if TMS is turning into Men's Vogue (with the recent rash of articles referring to style) but for Christ sake, no one even cares if you watch UFC, so why would you even wear Tap-Out or Affliction shirts and pretend that its "cool." Not to mention that the shirts look like they could have been designed by the same douche that designs Ed Hardy (see below post, I concur 100% with it). To you, middle aged father of 3 children with white picket fence, wearing that "Tap-Out" t-shirt, no matter how hard you try you will fail to be cool to your 13 year old son, no matter what. Deal with it and buy a Corvette, then he might like you.

Live from the Jersey Shore:
MMA: Battle of the Tools

Maybe my hatred of UFC stems from the fact that I'm a bit old fashioned and this its more of a fad than anything else. Maybe its because as a 13 year old boy I didn't like WWE, nor did I collect Pokemon cards, Magic cards or buy into any other fad associated with the mid-ninety's. Maybe its because I just hold boxing in such high esteem that I'm blinded by "HOW AWESOME" UFC really is. Maybe its because I don't enjoy men in silky boxer-briefs fancy slap each other. Whatever it is, UFC is overrated, and no matter what you say it will be overrated forever.