Chicago Cubs Fashion: Hats Edition

September 16, 2009 | Comments (0) | by Ginger Russ

The Cubs season is all but over, but with this being a "Cubs blog", and not much being written about the Cubs lately, I feel the need to write about something Cubs related (it seems Arcuturus has suspended the Koyie Hill Appreciation Society, along with the my hopes of breaking the longest time I have ever waited to see a semi-nude girl naked on the internet since the invention of usenet). Sure, I could talk about the rumors of Z being traded, or what went wrong this season, or even the always popular "new" Wrigley Field. But I think I will attempt my hand at Cubs fashion, and so I give Cubs fans their guide to purchasing your new Cubs hat for the 2010 season.

First let's look at the classics:

This hat says, "I'm a Cubs fan". Nothing pretentious or obnoxious, just the same hat that the players wear on the field. Now remember, if you were born before the 90s make sure to curve that bill first. Don't even try to be like the "hip generation" with their flat billed hats. And for that matter, and this SHOULD need no explanation, but make sure to keep that hat on forward and straight ahead. No tilting to the side. If you are in a frat, it is acceptable to wear your hat backwards to warn everyone else that while you may blend in with your peers, you are in fact still a douche.

Then we have the "Warm Up" hat. Also acceptable in most cultures, although if you have dumbo ears, you may want to avoid this hat as the side "flairs" accentuate these appendages. The advantages of the this hat include the stretch fit and the special lining which helps to move sweat away from the head, keeping you cool for while you are playing Beer Softball or hitting the links.

This is like your tradition Cubs hat, but not fitted. It is perfect for the semi-Cubs fan. It's not annoying and at least it doesn't have a big "Bank of America" logo on the side that indicates that you got as a free giveaway. But the lack of actually buying a fitted and more comfortable hat shows you don't have your heart completely with the Cubs...that, or you like to use the hole in the back for stringing through the hair of your sweet mullet.

Now we move on to the alternatives to the Cubs hat. This is a nice version that the team wears on those patriotic days like the Fourth of July, 9/11 and Memorial Day. This hat says, "I like the Cubs and America, but I'm not going to shove my jingoism down your throat like a redneck hick." No, that would be for Cardinal fans.

This hat is similar to the traditional Cubs hat, only a little more "hip" for the kids and their "faux trailer trash" style, at least a couple years ago. This hat features a mesh backing and a "grungy and worn" look, that makes it look like you've had this hat since 1976, but we all know you weren't even born yet. Us old folk are really laughing behind your back, but you're too "edgy" to notice.

Now these hats are a little different. They all feature a variation on the Cubs logo, and with different colors than the Cubs colors. These hats are okay novelty hats that can be worn once in a while, but should never be the wearer's "regular" hat. They are usually purchased by girlfriends and wives who think they look "cute" and that "you need a new hat because the one you have is smelly and dirty". They aren't super obnoxious and are okay for young and old folk alike to wear whenever you're feeling in the mood to change it up a bit, or to please the giver of the hat.

WHOA DUDE, that hat is too damn flashy. You know this guy. The one that still wears his Zubas from the 80s and cuts the sleeves off of all his shirts. Be careful of anyone wearing this hat as they may be roided out and attempt to rip your head from your body.

Umm...okay? Plaid? Really? Let's go golfing?

Pink hat! Either you have a vagina, or you're the guy that sits in the third row right behind home plate at every home game that I like to refer to as, "Pink Hat Guy". It's cool, we understand you are okay with your sexuality if you wear this hat, unless you are that douche with the pink popped collar as well.

This is a kids hat, particularly for little girls. If you are wearing this hat, you have serious issues.

This is not a hat, it's a visor. If you are wearing this you have even more serious issues. Or you didn't want to mess up your sweet faux hawk. Have another Bud Light, dude!

And of course we have the "Gangsta" hats. They can easily be identified by their flat bills, off-centered logos and hologram sticker, which the wearer will refuse to remove. I would say that only gangsters wear these hats, be we all know real gang-bangers wear Sox hats. People wearing these hats are probably white, live in the suburbs, and their parents are city council members. If you are over the age of 18 and wearing this hat, please just do us a favor and buy a Sox hat. You sir are the worst offenders of so-called Cubs fans.

And finally, get over it! Cubs season is over. You should be wearing your Bears hat. Bear Down!