TMS Booze Project Guide to Mixed Drinks: Classics Edition

September 23, 2009 | Comments (0) | by Adam Blank

We at Thunder Matt's Saloon know that sometimes it's not always acceptable to throw back shots. Whether you're at a company party, on a date, or with a large group of friends who don't have a clue about your substance abuse issues, sometimes you have to take one for the team and order mixed drinks or beer. And while TMS has the whole beer-thing covered, our coverage is sorely lacking when it comes to mixed-drinks. So here is the TMS Booze Project Guide to Mixed Drinks: Classics Edition...

1 1/2 ounces Vodka
5 ounces Orange Juice

Order it if: you're a teenage girl in a bar with a fake ID, a pirate on shore leave who is trying to ward off scurvy.

Pros: Good source of vitamin C. Can barely taste the alcohol. Hard to overdo it with a Screwdriver.

Cons: Nobody will take your drunken rant seriously while you clutch one of these in your paws. Makes you look like a novice. If you happen to drink too much, throwing up orange juice is one of the worst experiences you could possibly ever have.

Mixed Drink Rating: 4/10.

A better alternative might be: Vodka Cranberry

Rum & Coke
1 1/2 ounces Rum
5 ounces Cola

Order it if: You're on an airplane, you're at a casino and plan on sticking with your favorite machine for awhile, your planning on engaging on a long discussion about how Marx said religion was the opium of the people but he himself used opium.

Pros: A sensible drink for the budget-minded drunk, the drink goes down easy and is nearly impossible to screw up. Also, it takes a while to get drunk off these, which makes it great for long conversations. The major draw is that they're usually cheap.

It's boring.

Mixed Drink Rating:

A better alternative might be: Scotch & Water

Whiskey Sour
1/2 ounce Lemon Juice
1/2 teaspoon Powdered Sugar
2 ounces Blended Scotch Whisky
Shake and strain into a sour glass. Garnish with a slice of lemon and a cherry.

Order it if: you're a non-tenured professor trying to win favor with your colleges, you're not eating food, you're at a bar that isn't blaring music so loud that you can't have a conversation. (Places that play loud music make the worst Whiskey Sours.)

Pros: Slightly elegant, in an old-fashioned sort of way. Great if you're only going to have one drink. Can be a really good drink if made correctly.

Cons: Shitty whiskey makes shitty whiskey sours. Besides that, sour drinks aren't all that fun to consume over long periods of time. A terrible drink to have with meals.

Mixed Drink Rating: 7 out of 10

A better alternative might be: Manhattan

2 1/2 ounces Gin
1 1/2 teaspoons Dry Vermouth
In a mixing glass half-filled with ice cubes, combine the gin and vermouth. Stir well. Strain into a cocktail glass. Garnish with a lemon twist or an olive.

Order it if: You can tell the difference between Art Deco and Art Nouveau, you're at a bar where somebody is playing a piano, you're wearing a tie.

Pros: The martini is so entwined in alcohol lore that no one can dare say you're a novice if you order one. It seems classier than it is. Two or three will get you drunk.

Cons: Gin martinis taste like household cleaning products. Vodka martinis hint that you're not completely committed to the lifestyle that the martini represents. Both of them are fairly harsh drinks that presuppose a certain level of pretension & experience on the part of the drinker.

Mixed Drink Rating: 6/10

A better alternative might be: Vodka Gimlet

Long Island Iced Tea
3/4 ounce Vodka
3/4 ounce Gin
3/4ounce Rum (Light)
3/4 ounce Tequila (Gold)
2 ounces Sweet & Sour Mix
1 dash Cola
1 ounce Triple Sec

Combine the ingredients over ice in a highball glass. Add the cola for color. Garnish with a slice of lemon.

Order it if: Your goal is to get smashed, the atmosphere is festive.

Pros: Tastes great. The drink transcends race, gender and class; anyone who wants to have a good time can order it. Even bad ones are packed full of copious amounts of alcohol and are palatable after a few sips. Easy to make large batches for parties.

Cons: Can ruin your life if you aren't used to the high alcohol content. Has about 500 calories per 12 oz. Not the right drink for long, in-depth conversations since you will get very drunk very quickly.

Mixed Drink Rating: 9/10

A better alternative might be: Mai-Tai