O, Canada

June 10, 2007 | Comments (0) | by Governor X

Dodgers. Blue Jays. The ancient rivalry is renewed once more.

Christ I hate interleague play. Whatever, Brant got free tickets, so lets go.

*Times are approximate since I wasn't paying any attention.

5:45pm - Welcome to Dodgers Stadium. The tickets say admit one to the Stadium Club. I've never been there, so lets go check it out. Jesus - classy and awkward. I'm going to use the head anyway while we're here. Some girls think Brant is Edward Norton. He pulls his cap down and looks away quickly to play along. We don't belong here, lets go to our real seats and check out this 49th annual Hollywood Stars Game.

6:00pm - Nice seats. A box about 3/4s of the way down the 1st base line. I can get some awesome pictures of Mr. Sexy Time, Andre Ethier. Time for food. $21 later I have a Dodger Dog, nachos, and a large Heineken. This Hollywood Stars game is sad. Guy listed 7th in the credits on The Shield hits one to the guy who played Lt. Hawke in Star Trek First Contact! Rich and compelling.

6:45pm - The Hollywood game ends in a tie. Gay. The "stars" start to file by our seats. I recognize James Vanderbeek, Carlos Menstealia, and Michael Clarke Duncan. Oh wait, its Fat Tony/Joey Zasa - sweet. His elbows are bloody. Dude takes this seriously. Someone neither of us knows comments on Brant's Old Style shirt.

7:00pm - The Dodgers find a guy named Andre Ethier to sing O, Canada. What are the odds there would be two guys named Andre Ethier at Dodgers Stadium tonight? Since its 1995, Lisa Loeb sings The Star Spangled Banner. The lineups are introduced. I quit paying attention to the American League when Nolan Ryan retired so I expect to hear Joe Carter, Paul Molitor, and Jon Olerud introduced. No such luck. I don't know any of these Canadian assholes aside from Jason Phillips and Matt Stairs - and I honestly don't know why either still has a job in baseball. The Dodgers are introduced. No Mr. Sexy Time for me tonight, Matt Kemp is playing RF. Its OK, he's really good on my video game.

7:10pm - The game starts.

7:10pm-9:45pm - The game. I'm just lumping this period together since it was a real barn burner. LA gets three infield hits somewhere in this time frame. Matt Stairs hits a home run - its thrown back. Good job all you can eat bleacher bums. This would prove to be the only run of the game since the hapless Dodgers couldn't push accross any of the 9 baserunners they had. Boooo. I literally can't remember the last time the Dodgers won when I attended a game. I'm like Prairie View A&M over here.

7:45pm - These Canadian fans behind us are getting annoying. They're heckling, but they didn't bother to bring their A game. I've heard better insults at company softball games.

8:15pm - Something has to be done about Nomar. Not only does he have 1 HR in June, but you can see his crotch bulge all the way down the line. No, I wasn't looking. Someone put this guy in a cold shower already.

9:00pm - Bottom of the 7th, down 1-0 Pierre gets on for the 2nd time. Batting 8th seems to suit him. Its going to be awesome, Saenz or Ethier will come up and hit something deep to score him. Oh wait, Sling Blade Little is going to let Lowe bat for himself. Moron.

9:10pm - I've pretty much written this one off after that Lowe bullshit. Is that Josh Groban a couple seats over? I think Sandra Oh might be sitting behind him too. I guess the LA County Sheriff's Department is hiring. Maybe I need a new job. Check that - I know I need a new job. Some kids are staring at me. They must think I'm Shaun White.

9:20pm - The music is getting weirder. Stone Temple Pilots, Marilyn Manson, and Bowling for Soup's 1985 for Jeff Kent. OK, that last one was pretty appropriate I guess. Regardless, Nancy B. Hefley and her Dodgers Stadium Roland Organ are going to jump from the press box if this keeps up.

9:45pm - Its over. Beaten by Matt Stairs. Balls. At least the seats were good.

Here's a picture of Alyssa Milano to cheer me up and keep don ballgame reading: