Realm of Red: Redhead of the Week

June 08, 2007 | Comments (0) | by Chaim Witz

Each time Guns N Roses release a new album, I will profile various redheads who paved the way for our own Thunder Matt. These men and women opened doors (often times kicking them in due to their fiery tempers) that would have otherwise kept Thunder Matt toiling in Independent Baseball leagues, shagging fly balls in Newark and frequenting seedy hotels. We tip our Cubs hats to these fair-skinned pioneers.

Today's Redhead: (yelling over techno thud) Lindsay Motherfucking Lohan y'all!

Lindsay Lohan is clearly the world's redheaded stepchild. Always a poor man's Paris Hilton, a 12 year-old freckled Lindsay (henceforth referred to as 'Firecrotch'*) burst onto the scene with The Parent Trap, a movie you've never seen but your kids and the Bosnian child you have locked in your closet have each seen a dozen times. She was like Macaulay Culkin, but with different shaped private parts. Unlike MacCauly she had a career past age 13 (though one could argue 'barely'). Like Macaulay, she developed a coke habit.

Lindsay then starred in Freaky Friday with everybody's favorite hermaphrodite, Jamie Lee Curtis. Talk about 'different shaped private parts'. Whoa! (Insert boat horn noise.) This movie co-starred Mark Harmon, who has appeared on both JAG and Navy NCIS, two shows catering to the ever-important demographic of old people who really miss Murder She Wrote but also enjoy a good Naval tale to boot.

Lindsay's career was on the upward swing. She was really coming into her own and even experimenting with alcohol. Yay! But people were starting to ask...why is her voice huskier than my JAG-loving grandfather? Good question America. Keep em' coming.

Then Lindsay went on to star in Mean Girls, a movie of which I have nothing bad to say, and will even watch parts of it in a hungover stupor on when it is on cable, while I lay semi-conscious on the couch.*** This movie made lots of money and got Lindsay into cool clubs and onto SNL. But then came 'the tipping point'.

What comes next could fill (and has for that matter) volumes of discarded US Magazines. Hell, you're probably better of checking out Perez Hilton for all of the sorted details, but let me give you the crib notes version of the downward spiral, because I'm lazy and this is clearly unimportant drivel. Says Buzanis, I don't have time for this shit.
  • She starred in Herbie Fully Loaded. The omission of Don Knotts hurt both the box office and street cred. This was also the last era in which I would ever think of Firecrotch as being attractive.
  • Her dad Michael got thrown in jail for a virtual smorgasbord of charges. Enter the textbook "searching for a father figure/acting out/not being able to trust/trying to replace Daddy's love with material goods and mind numbing substances" phase.
  • Uh oh. Here comes the obligatory Hollywood eating disorder! I'm sure it's just "stress".
  • Lindsay releases a couple of CDs. Predictably (yawn) there is a song about her dad not loving her and lots of 'dance tracks'. Anti-American sentiment grows by over 200%.
  • Breaks up with Wilmer Valderrama, representing one of Lindsay's few unintentional good career moves and in effect ending Wilmer's short lived 'career', if one can call a sitcom with Ashton Kutcher and pumping some skanks a 'career'.
  • Stars in Just My Luck, Bobby and Georgia Rule. Also known as the Trifecta of Shite**. Look for the Trifecta of Shite to be lazily packaged together in one of those bargin bin 'Lindsay Lohan 3-packs' at Wal Mart. "Take home Lindsay Lohan today!" Oh I will. Oh...I will.
  • Becomes raging cokehead.
  • Gets in a bunch of 'paparazzi related' car accidents. Bitch can't drive!
  • Feuds with Paris Hilton. This includes being called a Firecrotch by this fat, sweaty rich kid. Wouldn't you just like to see this guy get hit by a bus?
  • Arrested for DUI, with cocaine found in her car. Admits herself into 'rehab' at Promises. I mean does anyone really believe that these celebrities who check themselves into rehab really want to get better? A thinly veiled PR stunt if there ever was one. Just make sure when you check out you're only photographed drinking bottled water and Red Bull!
Lindsay will soon check out of rehab and relapse. But America loves a good comeback story. So look for Lindsay in coming years on such hits as Surreal Life: What the Fuck? and Celebrity Fit Club: Gettin' Clean Edition. She is also available for club appearances, bar mitvahs and bachelor parties.

*Lets be honest with each other. Typing out 'Firecrotch' every time was time consuming and repetitive.
**Shite. A cool, British way of saying 'shit'.
***That sentence was clearly too long and should have been edited.

Mmmm...mommy made brownies! Can I lick the knife?