2008 Cubs Forecast: Gazing into Ronald's Crystal (Meth) Ball

February 19, 2008 | Comments (0) | by Chaim Witz

Each week, Ronald McDonald will bring you his fearless, if not slightly inebriated Cubs forecast, position by position. His attempts to stay on subject will most likely fail and this experiment will be probably be abandoned quicker than you can say 'mustache diary'. Say what you will, but at least these are Cubs related. Sort of.

Player Name: Derrek Lee
Position: Missionary
Nicknames: Long Dong, Black Al Pacino
Looks Like: The African American dude from the All State insurance commercials.
2007 Stats: .317 AVG, 22HR, 82 RBI's, 6 SB
2008 Forecast: .325 AVG, 62 HRS, 75 RBI's, 0 SB

Overview: Derrek Lee is a monster. He had a somewhat down year in 2007 but he looks to grab 2008 by the lapel and punch it in the Adam's Apple like it's name was Chris Young. An improved work out regime and hot sex life will play a part in his resurgence.

Derrek will break Roger Maris' single season home run record by hitting 62 long dongs. The last one will come on the final day of the season, probably against Steve Traschel. His stolen bases will decline due in large part to laziness.

Most, if not all of his homers will be solo shots. He will begin to question his bad luck and for a while he will blame that new Japanese guy. Racial tensions in the clubhouse will run high, but then Sammy 'Say It Ain't' Sosa will throw on some salsa music and everybody will be like, 'Hey what is this and why is Sammy in here? I will admit, this song does have a pretty good beat. Ay yi yi!' Lou Pinella will throw on a fake mustache and everybody will be dancing around and shit and then the next day Derrek will hit a 2 run-homer (his only of the year) and the racial stuff will all go away until the next losing streak hits.

Derrek Lee will not win MVP but he may win some community service-type award for his charitable contributions. He will also appear in a local Chevy commercial.