SUPER TUESDAY DRUNKBLOG: 11pm - 12am

10:00 PM | Comments (0) | by Unknown

Fuck. We steamroll into hour four. If I pull one more hour after this, I should win a fucking Pulitzer or something.

The mood in my apartment is subdued, backed by the dulcet tones of Rage Against the Machine songs. It only seems appropriate right now.

Join me won't you! The fun is flowing thick and fast, just like a burst dam. A burst dam of jokes!

11.04 -- We're back to CNN! Let's face it, they have cool technology, ladies talking, and the delectable Campbell Brown. If she was a blanket, I would hibernate in her.

Um, results?

Obama's winning a lot, Hillary's winning slightly less. I have no clue what the Republicans are up to. I'm just glad that Giulani's grinning idiot chipmunk face is not involved in any of this.

I think Campbell Brown went to bed. Fuck. I long for her precious touch.

Lou Dobbs is a straight talker. He also hates immigrants.

11.11 -- Mitt Romney just took Minnesota. Goddamn. I would be shocked, but then again they recently elected a wrestler to be their Governor. Fucking snowbound morons.

11.13 -- Gloria Borger has a chin you could juice citrus on. Holy fuck.

11.16 -- What the fuck happened to Carl Bernstein? He figured out the Watergate mess, sure, but he has a face made of wax now. Fuck. Father Time was not kind to his visage. Lou Dobbs is talking up the Exit Polls like a broken record.... and here comes California. After 2 PERCENT of votes counted, Clinton has 57% of that sweet, sweet action.

11.19 -- Soledad O'Brien is stepping in for some sweet Exit Poll talk. She looks like a Cheshire Cat. That's all I can say.

I realize at this point that the Drunkblog has fallen into cheap visual gags now, but I don't care. This is hard work, this drunkblog business. Here I am, sitting on my arse with friends, drinking ungodly quantities of ale and trying to write comedy for your benefit. I should get more than a Pulitzer. However, right now I'd settle for some naked pictures of Campbell Brown. IF THERE IS A GOD, PLEASE SEND ME THOSE PICTURES. PLEASE. SHE IS THE MOON TO MY SUN. I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THAT MEANS.

11.29 -- They keep calling Missouri "the Bellwether state". What the fuck does that mean?

Come to the rescue, Wikipedia!

11.30 -- Thanks for explaining! Apparently a Bellwether is an "entity in a given arena that serves to create or influence trends or to presage future happenings." The term is derived from the Middle English word bellewether, which refers to the practice of placing a bell around the neck of a castrated ram [a wether] in order that it may lead a flock of sheep around.

Yep, so you know what that means: Missouri is the castrated ram of America.

11.31 -- Georgia was JUST called for Huckabee. Damn. That was supposed to be Jowly McJowlface's state. D'oh. Better luck next time, John Mc. Just go toot your impressive resume somewhere else, because the good folk of Georgia have spoken!

11.38 -- Jowly Man is talking now at Party HQ, after a tasteful rendition of that song from Rocky. And he's talking like he won the election tonight. There is a veritable haze of delusion throughout all these little election vignettes from the candidates, although what do we expect? It's not like they can stand up and admit defeat.

McCain just thanked his 9 million children, and his mother. What a wuss. Family values went out of style with the X-Games.

[I have no idea what that means. My ability to make analogies or comparisons is totally fucked. But I'm not!]

11.43 -- Damn. Obama's gonna take Colorado and Idaho. He loses style points for having U2 at his party HQ. Fuck. Since when did U2 become the megaphone of political goodness?

Let's look at the Democrats' tallies:

BARACK "CAPTAIN AWESOME" OBAMA
-----
Colorado
Idaho
Minnesota
Utah
Connecticut
Kansas
North Dakota
Alabama
Delaware
Illinois
Georgia

HILLARY "FROSTBAG" CLINTON
-----
Arizona
New Jersey
Massachusetts
New York
Tennessee
Arkansas
Missouri
Oklahoma
[and she's killing him in California]

As for the Republicans... who the fuck cares? I don't, plus it's all confusing. There's three of them, and they all talk the same. At least the Dems make it easy by having two different Wii avatars at the podium.

Phew. Glad I made it through that passage without showing any bias whatsoever.

11.50 -- Obama sounds really good when he talks. I'm a sucker for good speeches. Shit, that's why I love the movie Dead Poets Society so damn much. It's so sad when Robert Sean Leonard puts a bullet through his head in his father's study. Stupid hardline father. You killed your sensitive poet son!

Seriously though. The only person who speaks better than Barack is my future wife, Campbell Brown. Her words are like songbirds, or like aural pancakes smothered in sweet, sweet syrup. I'd walk five hundred miles , and I would walk five hundred more just to be the man that walked a thousand miles to fall down at her door [and then get up again and ravage her in bed for six long, sordid weeks].

11.56 -- This is going to be it for the Drunkblog.

My final broadcast, the sign-off of what has been a wonderful evening with you all. Thanks for reading. I am about to fall asleep to the dulcet tones of Obama as he finishes an interminably long speech [seriously dude, edit your shit].

I am drunk, I am tired, I am sad, and yet, I am content.

What have we learned?

CNN has a hot chick, my imagined fiancee Campbell Brown [I don't care that she's married].
FOX News is like listening to the sounds of someone raping you from the inside out.
MSNBC loves the right-to-left combover.
BBC America actually gave us facts instead of opinions!
C-SPAN is dull [I watched like 5 seconds and almost aged 30 years in the process].
And, more importantly, we learned that I am a wonderful human being.

Goodnight, sweet princes and princesses. I'm off to purge, reflect, and purge some more.

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