SuperBlog Aught-Eight

February 03, 2008 | Comments (0) | by Brant Brown

The time is here, Superbowl 42, battle of the colonies, New England versus New York. The Queen has tapped the keg and fired up the grill. Pregame is underway, the beers have been cracked, and the inappropriate comments will be delivered shortly. We're about 45 minutes away from kickoff, and Terry Bradshaw is stroking Tom Brady's ego and cock. Why is Tom Brady getting so much attention today? Well, first of all, he's dreamy, just as any straight woman or effeminate man. And yes, the Patriots of the National Football League are aiming for the first ever 19-0 season. Are the Patriots great? Yes. Do they cheat? Yes. Are they overrated? Only TMS can determine their rating, but we can't have that discussion until the game has concluded. Superbowl 42 and Frank Caliendo, up next!

War Criminal: Frank Caliendo and all of his impersonations. I mean, seriously, even the writer's strike can't kill this guy's career. He's like the monster in Cloverfield.

Howie Long just put on a Boston Red Sox hat. Was he recently concussed? Why doesn't he go make "Firestorm 2"?

And now they're trying to tie the Superbowl in with the Founding Fathers. Something about the constitution. There's a Ben Franklin impersonator on the screen now. It can't be verified whether or not the actor has syphillis. Now various football players and coaches seem to be reciting the Declaration of Independence. I'm sorry, did another 9/11 just happen? I haven't been watching CNN yet today. Things have taken a somber turn. New York firefighters are hanging out with Michael Strahan. I've really become depressed. The beer cannot permeate the sadness that is being forced upon us. They just slandered the British Crown. The Queen has become upset. Get her another strawberry daiquiri. Lots of motherland bashing. We at TMS do not condone such a tone.

Enough! Time for the game (all times PST)...

3:03: Fuck. Joe Buck.

3:09: Resiliency. Resiliency. Resiliency. Does anyone else hate when companies or commercials state the same word three times when they're trying to say how great they are? Am I the only one that notices this? It's hard to explain. We can get into it another time.

3:12: What's that Joe Buck? The Patriots are undefeated? Teamwork. Teamwork. Teamwork. Apparently they work well as a team. Hell of a thing, that teamwork. It can never be questioned. Never be questioned. Never be questioned.

3:13: Me? Not drunk yet. Junior Seau? Not retired yet. We'll consider that a push. For now.

A failed American Idol winner is singing the National Anthem. If she could record this on a disc and sell it, she might actually make some money. Alas, no. She will continue to suck.

3:23: I hope Robert Goulet does another Emerald Nuts commercial this year.

3:24: A tribute to Walter Payton. Awesome. I guess he's not in attendence though. Jason Taylor of the Miami Dolphins won the Walter Payton award. That's the only thing any Dolphin won.

3:26: The Giants win the coin toss and elect to receive. This could allow them their best field position of the day.

3:28: Just so you know, I'll be making my world famous bean and cheese dip at halftime.

3:29: Chris Myers with an abbreviated interview of Tedy Bruschi. Stroke-inducing tension in the precious minutes before the game!

3:33: The Giants with the ball, and they come out blazing with a surprising first down!

3:35: And another. 2 for 2 on third downs. It's early, but Eli is off to a quality start. Oh, and in regards to Eli? Surprisingly he's NOT the retarded Manning brother.

3:40: Ahmad Bradshaw, Terry's second cousin, with two impressive runs, one for another first down.

3:46: Wow, these commercials are scraping the bottom of the barrel right now. Just awful. I wonder if the Sarah Connors Chronicles actors are going to be in the crowd.

3:47: Good return for the Pats. Tom Brady, everyone's hero and lover, is on deck.

3:52: So apparently they're putting all the Superbowl ads on Myspace. This guy has still never fallen prey to the wiles of Myspace and Facebook. I'd like to keep it that way.

3:56: The Patriots are in the red zone. Flag on third down. Pass interference. New set of downs.

4:02: Start of the second quarter, touchdown New England. 7-3 is the score.

4:04: Pretty sure that the only advertisements purchases are for the Superbowl. It's all well and good. I also just ate a meatball, and Gostkowski just whiffed a kickoff and knocked it out of bounds. Not a wise move with the formidable Eli Manning taking possession.

4:07: Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers will provide the halftime entertainment, and the bags of weed. Actually I swear I read once that Tom Petty doesn't smoke weed. I'm not sure about this. It requires more research, which I am simply not willing to do.

4:09: A heave to Amani Toomer and he catches it on the sideline for a huge gain!

4:11: Can you tell that TMS would prefer that the Giants win? I'll try to make that more obvious as the game goes on.

4:13: Manning throws his first pick of the day. It was really only a matter of time.

4:19: Patriots have to punt, and we're subjected to a commercial for Garmin's GPS device. GPS for personal use? Overrated. I dare someone to argue with me on this topic.

4:21: Eli is sacked on first down. Ouch. Second down? Fumble, but recovered. Third down? Throws the ball away. And a punt. Painful.

4:27: Tom Brady sacked on second and third downs! The Patriots are punting from their own 15. Excellent position for the Giants. Hopefully Eli can calm the fuck down.

4:34: This Ahmad Bradshaw kid is tearing it up for the Giants running game.

4:35: Eli fumbles, there's a flag, and the Giants have third down and 18 yards.

4:49: Totally uneventful end of the second quarter. Just a series of incompletions and timeouts. Is this America's new pasttime? I'd prefer the European football at this point.

4:50: Brady fumbles with ten seconds left in the half. The Giants recover. Nothing will come of it I'm sure. Maybe the Patriots will go over some illegal videotape at halftime and make adjustments.

4:56: Halftime. Ugh. Overrated: Every Superbowl halftime show ever. Can you name one that was good? Really? Don't tell me U2. They were preying on American emotion after 9/11. I call horseshit. The Janet Jackson nipple? Please. No one saw it when it happened. That was a fabrication of the liberal media. No, the conservative media. Wait, how can the media be both liberal and conservative? Oh wait, the media runs down the middle, and people decry it for their own personal reasons. Nevermind. I better watch my American Idol and keep to myself.

5:13: Wow, this halftime show is dragging on like my first marriage. Petty is obviously going through all his hits from the 70s and 80s. Nothing is happening. People are aging. Cars are staring. Ducks are quacking. Someone just handed me a hotdog lathered in ketchup. I'm dying on the inside, the outside, and everywhere else. I thought Britney Spears was supposed to join Tom Petty onstage. I guess I was wrong. She's probably due for a new album and a tour, huh?

5:30: Patriots can't convert on the third down. They're punting to the Giants, but Eli won't be able to capitalize.

5:37: Seven minutes later, we find out that the Giants has 12 men on the field, and thus the Patriots get the ball back. Again, ugh.

5: 39: Jesus just came back from the dead and asked if this was the most boring Superbowl ever. I told him yes, to which he started bleeding from the hands, feet, and head.

5:41: Nothing is happening. Guys catch the ball and fall over the first down line. To say that this game is uneventful would be an understatement.

5:42: The Patriots went for it on fourth down with a bomb to the endzone. And it failed. The Giants take over on downs. The game isn't even exciting enough to involve punts anymore.

5:49: Yesterday I asked the good Lord for death to visit me. He said "watch the Superbowl". I can confirm that it is a fate worse than death.

5:54: Three minutes left in the third quarter. The Patriots are leading 7-3, as has been the case since the first quarter. Penalties are amassed, no field progress is being made. 1,500 Chinese children have starved to death since the last score.

6:06: There is nothing to say. LL Cool J is in the house. Oh, Frank Caliendo! Peyton Manning, looking miserable in the box seats.

6:07: The Giants move the ball across the field. Jeremy Shockey is in the boxes drinking. Better than Peyton in his suitcoat. Much rather have a beer with Shockey.

6:10: Terry Bradshaw's brother again, and then a touchdown pass to some guy. No one in the room knows who caught the TD, because no one is really paying attention! The NFL! It's fantastic!

6:12: James Carville and Bill Frist just made out on national television. Hell has frozen over, the Eagles are back together, Eminem is fat, and Hillary Clinton is going to be our next president. America! It's fantastic!

6:17: Less than 11 minutes left and Randy Moss just made his second catch of the game.

6:18: I'm not drunk enough, and this game isn't exciting enough. I can't wait to end this diary and get on with my night.

6:20: The Giants stop the Patriots again and force another punt. Hmmmmm, maybe there will be some excitement yet.

6:25: Nope, not yet. The Giants are punting with 8:24 left in the game.

6:26: Tom Coughlin! BRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

6:27: Will Ferrell with the only funny commercial of the night. "Bud Light: Suck one".

6:40: Third and goal for the Patriots. Game potentially on the line here. Brady to Moss, touchdown! Patriots take the lead. The Giants will have to come back with a touchdown. They'll have 2:42 left to get it done.

6:47: 4th and inches for the Giants!

6:48: Jacobs gets the first down. 1:22 left in the game.

6:51: Get right out of town! Manning eludes about ten sacks and wings the ball up. David Tyree leaps up and pulls the ball down for the first down!

6:53: 50 seconds left and the Giants have used their last timeout.

6:55: Steve Smith with the reception for the first down.

6:56: Manning floats one into the corner of endzone to Burress! Touchdown Giants! Holy shit! The invincible Patriots are going to fall! Eat a dick Bill Simmons!

6:59: The Patriots have the ball with 39 seconds.

7:00: Holy hell, Brady just got creamed for a sack.

7:03: Last play of the game. Brady lets loose a hail mary, and the Patriots fail miserably! The Giants win the Superbowl! The Mannings go back to back! That is horrible! No one wants the Mannings to succeed! But they defeated the mighty Patriots, whose cocks were stroked by the nation for the last five months! Ah, good times in the National Football League. Another season is done. The Patriots have been vanquished. Pitchers and catchers report in 11 days. God bless America!

Ladies and gentlement, your last two Superbowl MVPs: