ThunderSim 2008: Super Bowl XLII

It's been weeks since I had seen or heard from ThunderSim. After being completely off on his predictions of the conference championships, he had become a ghost. As Super Sunday drew closer I felt it was finally time to stop by his apartment and see if he was still alive.

Knock knock.

Voice from inside: It's open!

Me: Well at least he hasn't gone Jonathan Brandis on us yet.

I walk in. The place reeks of stale beer, piss, cigarettes, and failure. ThunderSim is situated at the TV playing a game. All the blinds are closed and not a single light is on. Surrounding his chair are numerous open bottles of Gatorade filled with what I can only assume is urine.

Me: What's happening buddy?

TSim: Nothing (in a barely comprehensible groan).

Me: Christ are you playing Ikari Warriors II again? How many times have I told you? It's impossible to beat that game!

TSim: Shut your mouth, I was really close last time!

Me: Look, the Super Bowl is only a few days away and we still got to run our simulation.

TSim: You son of a bitch! After everything you've done to me, you really expect me to do the Super Bowl?

Me: Me? What the hell did I do?

TSim: You programmed the rosters, I just simmed them. I can't help it if you did a piss poor job of setting the players' abilities.

Me: So I'm the asshole? Well I can't help it if you suck ass at Tecmo Super Bowl. I could beat you blindfolded.

TSim: Is that a challenge?

Me: Let's do this, you can have first pick of teams. Patriots or Giants?

TSim: Giants. I'll whoop your ass with the underdogs as they will surely crush the Pats on Sunday.

Me: You're clearly delusional, but suit yourself.

Giants start with the ball. On the second play of the game, Brandon Jacobs fumbles. I recover with Tedy Bruschi and take it in for the first score.

TSim: Dammit! You got lucky on that one.

The Giants get the ball again and quickly go 3 and out as my defense stuffs them.

Me: Feel free to start trying any time now.

On the first offensive play for the Pats, I launch it deep to Randy Moss. 80 yards, touchdown.

TSim: Any dope can just throw bombs all day and have the best receiver bring them down.

Me: Fine, next time I'll run the ball.

I pick off Eli Manning and start with great field position. As promised I run the ball with Maroney.

TSim: What! What's this zigzag running bullshit? Why can't you run straight like a real man?


This goes on all game. At some point in the third quarter with the score Pats 51, Giants 7......

TSim: Horse shit! You're obviously cheating.

Me: (sarcastically) Yep, I have a guy behind us videotaping your controller so I can read your plays.

TSim: I wouldn't doubt it. Screw this, I'm hitting reset. I wanna play with different teams.

Me: Don't! I wanna see how many yards Moss can get.

TSim: Whatever, but let the record show that I gave up before the 4th quarter.

TSim: You honestly aren't going to count this as the simulation are you? (tosses controller in disgust)

Me: Sure, why not?

TSim: Because it's highly unrealistic. You honestly believe Eli is going to complete no passes?

Me: No but I do believe the Patriots will put forth an absolute massacre of the Giants with a score reminiscent of some of the Super Bowls in the 80's.

Don't buy the hype that New York will make this a close game. New England is going to crush Eli Manning's soul, and if we're lucky maybe his ribcage or spleen as well.