ThunderSim 2008: Super Bowl XLII

February 01, 2008 | Comments (0) | by Jake the Terrible Cubs Fan

It's been weeks since I had seen or heard from ThunderSim. After being completely off on his predictions of the conference championships, he had become a ghost. As Super Sunday drew closer I felt it was finally time to stop by his apartment and see if he was still alive.

Knock knock.

Voice from inside: It's open!

Me: Well at least he hasn't gone Jonathan Brandis on us yet.

I walk in. The place reeks of stale beer, piss, cigarettes, and failure. ThunderSim is situated at the TV playing a game. All the blinds are closed and not a single light is on. Surrounding his chair are numerous open bottles of Gatorade filled with what I can only assume is urine.

Me: What's happening buddy?

Nothing (in a barely comprehensible groan).

Me: Christ are you playing Ikari Warriors II again? How many times have I told you? It's impossible to beat that game!

Shut your mouth, I was really close last time!

Look, the Super Bowl is only a few days away and we still got to run our simulation.

You son of a bitch! After everything you've done to me, you really expect me to do the Super Bowl?

Me? What the hell did I do?

You programmed the rosters, I just simmed them. I can't help it if you did a piss poor job of setting the players' abilities.

So I'm the asshole? Well I can't help it if you suck ass at Tecmo Super Bowl. I could beat you blindfolded.

Is that a challenge?

Let's do this, you can have first pick of teams. Patriots or Giants?

Giants. I'll whoop your ass with the underdogs as they will surely crush the Pats on Sunday.

You're clearly delusional, but suit yourself.

Giants start with the ball. On the second play of the game, Brandon Jacobs fumbles. I recover with Tedy Bruschi and take it in for the first score.

TSim: Dammit! You got lucky on that one.

The Giants get the ball again and quickly go 3 and out as my defense stuffs them.

Me: Feel free to start trying any time now.

On the first offensive play for the Pats, I launch it deep to Randy Moss. 80 yards, touchdown.

TSim: Any dope can just throw bombs all day and have the best receiver bring them down.

Me: Fine, next time I'll run the ball.

I pick off Eli Manning and start with great field position. As promised I run the ball with Maroney.

TSim: What! What's this zigzag running bullshit? Why can't you run straight like a real man?

This goes on all game. At some point in the third quarter with the score Pats 51, Giants 7......

TSim: Horse shit! You're obviously cheating.

Me: (sarcastically) Yep, I have a guy behind us videotaping your controller so I can read your plays.

TSim: I wouldn't doubt it. Screw this, I'm hitting reset. I wanna play with different teams.

Me: Don't! I wanna see how many yards Moss can get.

TSim: Whatever, but let the record show that I gave up before the 4th quarter.

TSim: You honestly aren't going to count this as the simulation are you? (tosses controller in disgust)

Me: Sure, why not?

TSim: Because it's highly unrealistic. You honestly believe Eli is going to complete no passes?

Me: No but I do believe the Patriots will put forth an absolute massacre of the Giants with a score reminiscent of some of the Super Bowls in the 80's.

Don't buy the hype that New York will make this a close game. New England is going to crush Eli Manning's soul, and if we're lucky maybe his ribcage or spleen as well.