February 05, 2008 | Comments (0) | by Anonymous

Well, it's finally here. I, Lingering Bursitis, your trusty bartender for the democratic force of Primaries, and picking who you like best based on things you care about.

Small backhistory: I'm about 11 beers in, thanks to a steady day of gentle ale quaffing. Food has been ordered, the TV is tuned to CNN for this hour, and every hour I'll be switching to a different channel to make fun of their coverage. So, for the time being, we're stuck with Wolf Blitzer's depressing, stuttering mess, and the self-trumpeted "Best Political Team on Television." I have a couple of my roommates with me, and together, we shall guide you through this quagmire. No cutting and running here [groan], I promise.

Without further ado.... drinking game rules!
Drink 1 for the following word of phrases:
- "The Best Political Team on Television"
- "Exit Poll"
- "Missoura"
- "Evangelical"
- Any time Lou Dobbs, Anderson Cooper or Wolf Blitzer pulls out an SAT II word like preponderous [said approx 11 minutes ago]

On the Democratic side, according to these exit polls [drink] so far:
Obama's won Illinois and Georgia.
Hillary snagged Oklahoma.

For Republicans:
Huckabee won West Virginia.
McCain has Connecticut and Illinois.
Romney snoozed through Massachusetts.

8.09 -- they're projecting that New Jersey belongs to John McCain. Thanks, you salami-chompers! You've voted for the jowliest man in the world.

I wish I could curl up with new CNN anchor-lady Campbell Brown [not a particularly sexy name], and listen to books on tape while feeding her organic fruit. She's delicious looking [she's the one next to Chevy Chase].

8.10 --Fuck! She's married. Curse the gods!

The Georgia race is interesting on the Republican side, as all three candidates have a fair shout there. The religious counties to the south love themselves some Huckabee, the military areas love McCain, and the annoying douchebags love them some Romney.

Meanwhile, Obama's dickstomping Hillary in Georgia.

They're also talking a lot about superdelegates. I have no idea what the fuck that is. I imagine that it's a self-nominated title, thrown about by the saddest, loneliest of folk. The kind of person who goes to bars alone and sits at the corner of the bar, eating beer nuts, hoping that people that are forced to sit either side of them will engage them in conversation.

8.12 -- Well, Wikipedia cleaned that mess up.

8.13 -- Wikipedia ruins things sometimes. I enjoyed my definition better. Much darker, much more literary and suited to TV and film. Bastards.

8.16 -- CNN sure spends a lot of money on TVs and touch-screens. They're distracting from what was just a good little debate from their current quartet. I wonder how often the quartet tags out... seems that they have about 8 folks who rotate through their little nook of the studio.

8.17 -- Fuck. CNN's graphics/sound package is overwhelming. To quote a friend, "We just got AK'd by Stars and bass drum." Note to TV news producers: adding lots of bass drum tones to your graphics doesn't automatically make it more important.

8.19 -- I realize that I'm on the East Coast, hence my time notations. Deal with it. I also realize I haven't really said anything profound about politics yet. You can fucking deal with that too.

8.20 -- This drinking game is killing me. I fully expect to have lost command of the English language by the time California closes its polls. I hope all our CA-based bartenders voted for the right people [aka the ones I like]. If they didn't, I will visit them all one-by-one and bring the pain via a series of painful, heavy blows with an axe. That's fucking democracy!

8.24 -- Obama's supporters just drowned Suzanne Malveaux out. Meanwhile, John McCain's party HQ is playing "Up on the Roof" in the background while Dana [pronounced "Danna"] Bash speaks. One wonders alone if this is a subtle Hurricane Katrina reference.

8.26 -- Fuck. I want to go on a diving trip between Campbell Brown's firm, milky thighs. She's soft, but strong. Like good-quality toilet paper. I would give about $50 to have a chance to kiss her. Delicious. She's "watching the numbers", and meanwhile, I am lustily watching her.

8.27 -- Huckabee's campaign HQ is playing some slow, agonized blues music. It's so appropriate, it hurts. HOLY SHIT, ARKANSAS'S CLOSING THEIR POLLS IN 3 MINUTES! I wonder who will win that shit. You figure Hillary and Huckabee.

8.30 -- I was right! Wolf Blitzer never fails to speak the obvious. "You figure Huckabee and Clinton would be deeply embarrassed to lose Arkansas, a state they've both spent a lot of time." No shit, buddy.

8.31 -- I find it hilarious that in terms of color-coding used on CNN, Mitt Romney drew the color dark brown, while Huckabee gets light pink. Begin Reservoir Dogs and/or scatalogical jokes immediately.

8.33 -- Fuck! Stop saying Exit Polls! I can't feel my left leg!

8.38 -- I'm going to try and slow down just a little, because I know you all hate reading. Obama is raping Hillary [yes, that's right, by a factor of 4] in Alabama; I am playing Rage Against the Machine every half-hour just to remind me of what tonight's all about: saying fuck you to the man. Or something.

8.45 -- Oh snap. Jowly McJowl wins Delaware. Delaware is famous for two things: Dogfish Head beers, and oh, being the first state. It was also the place where Gebhart v. Belton happened, one of the four court cases that eventually bloomed into Brown v. Board of Education. I have no idea where I'm going with that! Drink!

8.53 -- Blitzer said we have a "potential bonanza of delegates" getting announced at 9pm. Which sounds great!

Also, CNN has a blog expert? And she's petite, English, and has unusually dark hair? I need to know what the fuck that's about. However, in 6 minutes, we're changing channel, so who the fuck knows. That means new drinking game rules!

8.57 -- Paul Begala supports Hillary. That means he's a douche. I wish he'd shut up now. Only 3 minutes until we switch to FOX News, and that's when the fun really happens. That's when I begin self-mutilation and shove kitchen knives in my ears to prevent their prejudiced bullshit from getting in.