80th Annual Academy Awards Drunkblog

February 25, 2008 | Comments (0) | by Chaim Witz

Hooray for Bollywood! Tonight marks the 80th Annual Academy Awards. A chance for Hollywood to pat itself on the back for continuing to put out quality cinema like Delta Farce, I Know Who Killed Me and Who's Your Caddy? It's also a chance for Jack Nicholson to get really, really drunk.

Some background: My libation of choice tonight appears to be the venerable vodka and tonic. This is my father's drink and he would approve. I have a good base stemming from a hearty meal of BBQ Cups and homemade mashed potatoes. What are BBQ Cups you ask? From God's lips to my fingers, it's basically a hollowed out biscuit filled with ground beef, lathered in BBQ sauce and shredded cheese. So now the Saloon has introduced you to both Scotch Eggs and BBQ Cups. You're welcome.

Last night I watched Michael Clayton 'On Demand' so I can now say that I've seen all of the Best Picture Nominees. Yes, even Atonement. I hope this adds an air of both credibility and snobbery to my writing.

I am in a $200 winner-take-all Oscar pool at work. Most of my picks are pretty obvious, so I'm counting on my upset pick of Amy Ryan winning Best Supporting Actress to carry me to victory. If this doesn't happen (and that is one of the first awards given out) then I can't promise that my interest won't wane. Expect the quality of my writing to suffer as well, though one could argue that it's already hit rock bottom. No worries, as no one reads this blog, not even our own writers. I'm looking at you Governor.

For the sake of brevity, some abbreviations will be used. For our retarded readers, I will spell it out. TWBB = There Will Be Blood. NCFOM = No Country for Old Men. Michael Clayton = MC. LOL = Laugh out Loud. NYFDOYID! = No You Fucking Diiiidnnnn't. Oh Yes I Did!

I've already had two vodka/tonics. My spelling and grammar cannot and will not be held accountable. The drinking rules are simple. One drink for every time the following occurs:

-Shot of Nicholson in the front row.
-Any joke pertaining to milkshakes.
-Writers Strike barbs/jokes.
-Jon Stewart makes a joke about the vanity of Hollywood that doesn't go over well with the extremely vain audience.
-A winner thanks their agent before their family.
-Jokes at the expense of poor Javier Bardem, whose lack of English will render him confused as he smiles politely.
-If I am particularly moved by the 'People that Have Died' segment, I will chug a whole drink in the honor of those who have passed on to the Lord. This will be in lieu of pouring out part of a 40'. I consider that practice to be both wasteful and outdated.

On with the show. Lights, Camera, Jews! (All times CST)

7:34: Wow, the 'vain Hollywood'/Writers Strikes jokes are coming fast and furious from Jon Stewart. I won't make it to the first commercial break at this point.

7:36: Nicholson! You son of a bitch. Followed up by a Norbit joke. Cha ching! Jon Stewart, you are no Whoopi Goldberg sir.

7:42: Costume Design - Elizabeth the Golden Age! Well thank Christ for that. Goodnight everyone!

7:48: 80 Years of Oscar. Here is the first of 80 clip montages. Soy bomb? Wait, I think that was the Grammys. I watch these clips and I see nothing worth liking. (TWBB joke #1 for those playing along at home)

7:52: Best Animated Feature - Ratatouille. Instead of Brad Bird accepting, can we get 5 minutes of Patton Oswalt stand-up instead? Edgy.

7:56: Christ, Norbit is up for an award! I'm not kidding. Best makeup. It lost. Eddie Murphy weeps into the heaving breasts of a tranny hooker, also played by Eddie Murphy.

8:07: Best Special Effects: The Golden Gompass wins. Take that God!

8:14: A clip of Cuba Gooding Jr. winning an award a few years ago. Presumably for Boat Trip.

8:16: Best Supporting Actor - Javier Bardem. The other nominees stood a better chance of surviving a forehead shot with an air compressor than winning this award.

8:27: Owen Wilson is presenting. Somebody get the man a hug and a vodka tonic.

8:35: Best Supporting Actress - This is the money pick for my pool. C'mon Amy Adams. NO! Tilda Swinton? This is an American travesty. I just watched Michael Clayton last night and made this pick based on the fact that Tilda Swinton wasn't anything special. Shit. She has flaming red hair. If I had known that I would have picked her in honor of Thunder Matt. Depression sprial. Need. More. Vodka.

8:52: Vodka Tonics. The silent killer.

8:53: Miley Cyrus. OMG! (texting young girls)

8:55: These Enchanted songs can go straight to hell. If Once doesn't win I will take an airgun to my testicles.

9:02: The speeches have thus far been mercifully short, much like my lovemaking skills. On a separate note, I've switched to light beer. That vodka doesn't pay for itself and I've been all but eliminated from the Oscar pool. I've gone from Tommy Lee Jones (vodka) to Paul Walker (light beer). God, what a horrible analogy. Conversely: Keri Russell - Underrated.

9:06: The Bourne Ultimatum just won for 'Best Shaky Camera'. That'll be fine. (TWBB joke #2!)

9:08: Fuck these clip montages.

9:12: Best Actress - Who is this chick from La Vie En Rose? Huh? Get that movie out of my life. It looks like Evita, but in Spanish. Wait, I think it was French. Who can tell these things? The vodka is playing tricks on my soul. Holy shit. The La Vie En Rose chick won! Judging from tonight's results the Academy hates Americans. Another hot chick that got all frumpy wins. And she sings too! Did anyone see that goddamn movie? No, they did not. There have been more acceptance speeches given in broken English than I care to count. I rambling. Another travesty in the female categories.

9:19: Once - 'Falling Slowly' is being performed. Fuck yes. This little Irish ditty better win Best Song. This song gives me chills (and shingles). No way are any of those other piece of shit songs better than this. I will fight any dissenters! Laura Linney seems to approve of this performance.

9:22: That was cool. I prefer the more sparse version, but shit it's the Oscars ya know?

9:23: Nicholson again. Who wears sunglasses more? Nicholson, Tony LaRussa or Bono?

9:26: More clips. Get rid of these damn things and the ceremony would clock in at a lean and respectable 2 hours. Stop living in the past Oscar. Move on with your life.

9:27: Did I mention that I am wearing a tux while I blog?

9:28: Renee Zellweger presenting. Could someone tell her to open her eyes? Oh wait, she's just got really thin eyes. My bad. The Bourne Ultimatum wins another technical award. It's cleaning house. Jason Bourne is delivering kidney blows left and right.

9:35: More clips! Some honorary recipient that I've never heard of. Lets be honest, none of these people giving him a standing 'O' have either. The Oscars are like a high school award assembly, except that everybody is rich, Jewish and secretly gay.

9:44: I don't know what is going on here. More broken English acceptance speeches. Does this ceremony even take place in America? I dub these awards, 'The Frenchies'. Who am I, Ted Nugent?

9:45: Another song from Enchanted. This is worse than that time I had shingles. Oh wait, I still have the shingles! Fuck. *Editors note: Author really does have the shingles. Author is not an 80 year old man.

9:50: Best song. Oh boy, here we go. Better be 'Falling Slowly'. Wow, here we go. YES. YES! My existence has now been vindicated by a bunch of crotchety old Academy members. I've never been more excited about an Oscar win. That's gotta be the best Oscar moment of the night. Scratch...the only good Oscar moment of the night. But the assholes cut off the girl before she could talk. Wait, now they're bring here back out to let her talk. (Slow clap) Stay classy Oscar.

9:58: Jon Stewart. Normally I would say he's overrated. But he's done a pretty good job with the one liners tonight. I would chest bump him. I don't give a shit.

10:01: Uh oh, the death roll call. The Academy apparently doesn't acknowledge the existence of Brad Renfro. They saved Ledger for the end of the clip. as expected. I'll finish the rest of my lite beer for the man. It's the least I can do. Heath seems to be more of a Guinness type chap, but Miller Lite will have to do. (Moment of blog silence)

10:10: Amy Adams presenting. She is a hot redhead. Somewhere, Thunder Matt nods approvingly. Probably from Baltimore or San Diego. (Sports reference!)

10:17: Arrr...no Michael Moore tonight. He will undoubtedly drown his sorrows with copious amounts of fried food, Scotch Eggs and BBQ Cups. 'Taxi to the Dark Side' wins best documentary. I have no idea what that is. I voted for 'No End in Sight' in my Oscar pool, based on the fact that it was about Iraq. Apparently, Iraq is so 2006.

10:21: Wives? Not fans of drunk blogging per se.

10:24: Best Original Screenplay - Diablo Cody - Juno. You know what? Screw it. Juno started out as a critical darling but now it's cool for everybody to hate it. So now I think it has come full circle...since it's experiencing the traditional backlash associated with the 'indie-film makes it big' (a la Little Miss Sunshine), I say it's now once again cool to like Juno since everybody seems to dog it. Does that make sense? Probably not, on account of the alcohol and shingles. *Editors note. First 30 minutes of Juno - Overrated. Last hour and change - Underrated. Ellen Page? Better than that French lady.

10:30: Best Actor - Daniel Day Lewis - There Will Be Blood. I've abandoned my boy! (TWBB joke #3...though was that really a joke or just me regurgitating a classic line? I vote 'nay' on Proposition 'Was that a TWBB Joke?'). Love the movie or loathe it, c'mon. He deserved this. How many times do you watch a performance where you are not consciously aware of who the actor is inhabiting the role? Michael Clayton? Yeah, that's George Clooney. DDL owned that fucking performance. I read a good article recently that compared TWBB to Apocolypse Now. When that one came out, a lot of people were like 'What the fuck?' Thirty years later, it's hailed as a masterpiece. Milkshakes for everyone! (TWBB joke/reference #4)

10:43: Best Director(s): NCFOM - The Coens. What is there to say? If you didn't see this coming, then you're just not a smart person. Martin Scorsese presented. He has Harry Caray glasses. Holy Cow! (Dear God, please end this)

10:45: Oh shit, that was quick. Denzel out to give away Best Picture. Denzel looks to be preparing for the role of an intimidating and strong willed black man. This would be a stretch for him. The smart money is on NCFOM. (Drumroll) Yep. No upsets here. NCFOM takes a silenced shotgun to the rest of the nominees. Though the producer just said that it was a 'complete surprise'. Really? The Coens look like they would probably be dicks if you went to dinner with them. They would stick you with the bill and be typing furiously on their Blackberrys the whole time. Ah, such is life. I enjoyed the movie, so what am I bitching about? The Coens could increase their likability factor is they grew beards, a la Spieberg.

10:52: What did we learn from all this? The Academy loves foreigners and milkshakes. Women love themselves a good flowing dress. Tilda Swinton? Oscar Pool killer. Keri Russell, Jennifer Garner and Amy Adams are all pretty hot. George Clooney is our generation's Hugh Hefner. I have shingles. Vodka? Stronger than you may suspect. Lite beer? As watered down as you may suspect. Brad Renfro? Not dead according to Hollywood. 'Once' is as good as advertised (by me). Owen Wilson needs a hug. Hal Holbrook is still alive. BBQ Cups? Email me for the recipe.