February 05, 2008 | Comments (0) | by Anonymous

9.00 -- Well, now we're on FOX News, and the results are already retarded across the board. We've instantly noticed how much more unflattering the portraits and snapshots are for the candidates. Hillary Clinton looks like an 80-year-old mental patient, for example. The graphics are crappier, looking positively cable-access compared to CNN's vast array of touch-screens and hi-tech bollocks.

They have a much smaller studio, and so far, it's only men delivering the facts to us, including some Norm McDonald-looking motherfucker in Tempe [pronounced by him as "Tempeeeeee"].

9.05 -- FOX is, unsurprisingly, terrible. It's all white folk in their 50s, all men, aside from one token black guy and one token woman who is dressed in the reddest blouse ever. I imagine their use will boil down to: "Hey, let's talk about Barack. Black guy, what do you think?"

That's the kind of amazing coverage we can expect from the retard network.

9.08 -- I fucking hate this hour. New drinking game rule: drink whenever a minority analyst or a woman is allowed to speak.

Clinton bagged Tennessee and Oklahoma, and now New Jersey. She's ahead in MA and MO by a decent amount so far.

I hate FOX News. Their correspondent in McCain's party HQ looks like a Duracell battery. Would it kill this channel to have a female reporter?

Their graphics are still woefully terrible. SNL has better graphics, for fuck's sake.

9.13 -- Yep. 13 minutes was all it took for us to change the channel. MSNBC now, because FOX News is like listening to my father. Worse, probably my grandfather.

Problem is we're stuck with the Sandwich-smuggling Chris Matthews, who is the loudest, most annoying person on TV besides Tucker Carlson, who is also on MSNBC, I'm pleased to report. I think we'll get on better with this channel because it's not named FOX News.

Their graphics are so sophisticated, with lots of bad graphics of Greek columns behind their number counts. I think they figured out that Greece was where democracy was born. Win for them!

New drinking game rules: every time Chris Matthews says something retarded, you drink at least a 5-count, then smash the bottle over your head. It's better than listening to him.

9.14 -- Tom Brokaw in the studio as well? Fuck. Bring back FOX News! [not really]

NEW DRINKING GAME RULE: drink at least half your beer every time Ron Paul is mentioned. We casually assume it won't be much.

9.17 -- Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck. Now Keith Olbermann? I repeat: fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck. At least their intro/outro music is better, more respectful. It's like Sousa rose from the dead and learned how to create .wav files.

9.21 -- MSNBC doesn't believe in women either. Their picture of Hillary is fucking frightening. She looks like a hyena on ecstasy. And don't question me on that image. I've seen what that looks like.

9.23 -- MSNBC is all middle-aged man with the right-to-left combover. Also, don't listen to this asshole, Chuck Todd, when he talks. He's an idiot.

9.26 -- Someone just said the word "punditocracy". Fuck. That's an awesome word. Holy shit. We're finishing our beers for that. Obama also fucking destroyed Clinton in Alabama. Two huge southern states, Alabama and Georgia, and both were overwhelmingly Obama Country. This bodes well.

AND we hear the word triumvirate! Goddamn, these MSNBC bastards know how to work the dictionary.

9.27 -- Howard Fineman from Newsweek is the fellow with the big lingo. I'd love to meet him just to hear him talk, but the shit-eating grin he wears is grounds for punching him in the face. Oh well.

EVERYONE on this channel has the right-to-left combover. Olbermann. Matthews. Fineman. Todd. The stylist for MSNBC is getting an easy fucking paycheck every week.

9.37 -- Add Joe Scarborough to that combover All-Star Team. He's a fucking douche as well.

UH OH... LOOK OUT! Pat Buchanan is here! His combover goes the same way, but man, is he fucking entertaining. Everyone's favourite confused, miserable old fuck!

There's a lady on the panel, the first we've seen talking in 25 minutes on any network. Alas, she has the left-to-right combover, thus losing at life.

9.43 -- Apologies that this is getting less and less insightful [not that it was particularly insightful to begin with]. I'm about 18 beers deep now [spread out over the course of the day, mind you, with appropriate bathroom breaks and hearty meals], but the beer consumption has raced up since 8pm thanks to the wonderful drinking games and the glorious predictability of the analysts and news channels to play right into our hands.

Clinton has been killing the early states [OK, NY, AR, TN, NJ, MA and MO], but Obama is taking his shit too [GA, IL, CT, KS, ID, ND, MN]. It's a heck of a race, to this point. I have no fucking idea how the breakdown of delegates would go if all these numbers and calls hold up. That's what actual news is for. I'm just a drunk Englishman in a loft in Harlem. I am no news network, alas, although I'd do a better job of news than FOX News has so far.

The Republican race is crazy, interesting and tight, much like a 18-year-old Courtney Love's pussy [I'd imagine].

9.53 -- MSNBC has the Best Exit Poll [drink] display. It looks like a phantom slab of crystal, but it's all CGI shit! Amazing! Eat a dick, George Lucas! You're not the only one who can use fancy graphic techniques to pointless effect!

ANOTHER right-to-left combover. Fuck. FOX News still wins for having the most status quo glass ceiling. No ladies or minorities, there.

David Gregory, the monkey-esque new combover guy. Good for him. How old is this guy? He looks young and playful, but his hair suggests retirement.

OMG, polls to close in Utah soon! Expect no surprises from those idiots!