Superbad: Why the Giants' Victory is Bad for America

February 04, 2008 | Comments (0) | by Governor X

The only good thing I can say about the Superbowl is at least its over. Right now, football fans from all over America (with the exception of the Northeast) are basking in the Patriots' loss. The cries of CHEATERS! and OVERRATED! are reverberating from coast to coast as I write this. Deep down in the cockles of my heart I believe people will soon realize what actually happened and won't be so happy. In overrated list form, here's why:

1. The Manning brand just doubled.

If you're like me and cringe in disgust every time you see the commercial with Peyton and Eli licking oreos, brace yourself, like bacteria in the primordial ooze, the Manning brand name just reproduced asexually. Peyton fills the airwaves hocking everything from Sprint phones to tampons and now there is another marketable Manning to sell corporate America's wares. There is only so much advertising time to fill. By my calculations, by the end of 2008, two out of every three commercials will have either Peyton or Eli as pitchman. The only thing saving us from total Manning saturation of the airwaves is the fact that the third inbred Manning brother can't play football because of his club foot and seven fingers.

2. The '72 Dolphins will never go away now.

This was our last best shot to rid ourselves of the bitter bastards who made up the 17-0 Dolphins team before they start dying off. Every year we have to see video of these miserable old farts popping champagne as the last unbeaten team falls. Do we have to wait another 36 years for another shot at perfection?

3. Tom Coughlin won't be fired.

Get used to stories about how he's "changed" and is no longer the shitty school marm who made his players go to bed at 8pm, Tom is here to stay. Naturally, when they start off 2-5 next year, New Yorkers will be calling for his head, but we all know he isn't going anywhere, but that brings me to my next point...

4. New York fans.

The one group of fans more irritating and obnoxious than New England fans hail from New York. New Yorkers start from the premise that they're the center of the universe and get worse from there. Giving Vinnie and Guido a huge upset over a Boston team will do nothing but make their heads swell up like Violet Beauregarde.

5. New England fans can claim they were robbed.

Always in search of a new chip to attach to their shoulders, New England fans may have one in the officiating. By my count, there were three horrendous calls in the Superbowl and every one of them went against the Pats. It will be hard for Pats fans to excuse away Brady's lackluster play, Hoodie's failure to make ANY second half adjustments, and the collapse of their geriatric defense, but the bad calls will certainly give them ammo.

6. Eli Manning is now a superstar, whether he deserves to be or not.

In the long run, this may be the worst result of the game. Eli, who only a few months ago was nearly run out of town, is now New York's conquering hero. Louis Boombots from Queens is already boasting that they got the better end of the trade with the Chargers even though San Diego got Philip Rivers AND Shawne Meriman out of the deal. Back in October, Louis was planning to throw Eli in the East River.