Fernando's Musings From the Taqueria: Week 4

April 29, 2008 | Comments (0) | by Chaim Witz

Each week we will go around the league and recap all of the significant happenings, in an effort to keep you, the reader, abreast of such time sensitive news. And of course, by 'each week', I mean 'probably not each week'.

La Semana Cuatro

Wet Fart of the Week: Barry Zito, Giants - Oh how the mighty have fallen. It seems like only a couple of years ago that I was reading yet another fluff piece in ESPN The Magazine about how you loved to surf and woo women. You cradled your acoustic guitar in your arms like it was your first born child and the look in your eyes told the world that you, not them, were going home to Alyssa Milano. Wait, that was only a couple of years ago. One huge contract ($126 mil for those bean-counters at home) and countless Alyssa Milano boyfriends later, and there you sit, 0-6 with a 7.53 ERA, pulling splinters out of your ass in the Giants pen. Take heart young Zito. My wife still thinks you're cute.

Fantasy Sleeper Makes Good: Felix Hernandez, Mariners - After showing flashes of brilliance his first two seasons, King Felix looks like he will finally live up to the massive hype that accompanied his arrival. Stud pitchers always take a bit longer to develop than their maple and ash swinging counterparts, and it was no different with Felix. With 2 wins, a 2.22 ERA and 41 K's, it looks like Hernandez, not Bedard may be the most significant starter in the land of grunge rock and Starbucks.

Fantasy Sleeper Gone to Pot: Scott Hairston, Padres - After hitting some huge clutch homers late in the season last year and a guaranteeing himself a spot in the Padres outfield, this was to be the year that Hairston broke out. After a quick start, he stumbled out of the gate, and his .184 average landed him on the bench in favor of Paul McAnulty. Who? The Anul Bandit of course.

Not Even Jesus Would Have Caught That: Reed Johnson, Cubs - Best. Catch. Ever. The Pride of Riverside, soiling pants across the Midwest and greater DC area. Watch the dick in the dirt action here.

Better Than a Double Bill of Teen Wolf and Teen Wolf Too: Pat Burrell and Chase Utley, Phillies - The two hottest hitters in baseball and they play for the same team. Chase Utley sports a .359 BA, 10 dongs and strong enough sperm to impregnate your grandmother. Pat Burrell goes up there and literally swings a tree trunk. This tree trunk has produced 8 donkey punches and a .349 BA. It's Mike Schmidt/Juan Samuel 2.0

Barry Zito, This is Your Life: Matt Morris, Pirates - After inexplicably trading for Matt Morris last year and taking on his $10M salary (highest paid Pirate ever!), the Bucs finally cut their losses after Matty got off to a dubious start. 0-4, 9.67 ERA and only 9K's. Hmmm...didn't his career start to go downhill with the Giants at around age 30 too? (Ominous Music. Perhaps the 'Unsolved Mysteries' theme song)

Give These Guys A Greasy Taco:

Carl Crawford, Rays: .407 AVG, 6R, 4SB
Lance Berkman, Astros: 4HR, 12RBI, .455 AVG
James Shields, Rays: 2-0, 12K, 1.12 ERA
Jason Werth, Phillies: .323 AVG, 4HR, 9R
Carlos Zambrano, Cubs: 2-0, 0.64 ERA, 1.14 WHIP
Paul Maholm, Pirates: 2-0,1.20 ERA, 0.73 WHIP
Evan Longoria, Rays: .333 AVG, 2HR, 2SB
John Lannan, Nats: 2-0, 0.00 ERA, 1.14 WHIP

Give These Guys a Taco Filled With Cilantro:

Francisco Liriano, Twins: 2/3 IP, 81.00 ERA, Red Roof Inn
Gil Meche, Royals: 10 IP, 9.90 ERA, 2.00 WHIP
David Wright, Mets: 3/25, 0HR, 2RBI
Bronson Arroyo, Reds: 3 2/3 IP, 8ER, 3.00 WHIP
Roger Clemens: Alleged Wandering Weiner
Vernon Wells, Blue Jays: .167 AVG, 2RBI, 0SB
Chode Figgins, Angels: 4/26, 1R, 0SB