MLB Impotence Rankings

April 28, 2008 | Comments (0) | by Jake the Terrible Cubs Fan

It seems everywhere I look, someone is releasing their own set of "power rankings" these days. That's all well and good but to me, I find them ultimately boring. Boston is the best, woohoo, blah, blah. What doesn't get enough attention is what team is the absolute worst at the moment. Thankfully I'm here to help. I bring you Thunder Matt's MLB Impotence Rankings, a list of the 10 most craptastic teams of the moment.

Last week's ranking in (parentheses)

10. Cincinnati Reds (6) - Dusty gets credit for finally wising up and playing Joey Votto at 1B over Scott Hatteberg. That credit is immediately lost though when he decides to start Corey Patterson, Jerry Hairston Jr. (at leadoff!), and Paul Bako in a game.

Amazing Stat: In 64 AB, Paul Bako is batting .328. What the shit?

9. Toronto Blue Jays (NR) - A recent six game skid lands Toronto on the rankings this week. I'd chalk it up as an early season slump and nothing more. They're definitely better than their record shows. Either way I don't think anyone in Canada has noticed or cared, what with the Stanley Cup playoffs and all.

Amazing Stat: A.J. Burnett has a 6.07 ERA and is fucking up my fantasy team.

8. Minnesota Twins (8) - The Twins maintain their 8th place standing by continuing their sub-par play. The bullpen is being overworked, Francisco Liriano has been sent down, and Vicente Padilla just pitched a complete game shutout against them, something he hasn't done since his "glory days" in Philly.

Amazing Stat: Delmon Young still leads the league in unrealized upside potential.

7. San Francisco Giants (4) - Barring the Barry Zito shitstorms, the Giants have somehow "improved" enough in the last week or so to drop to 7th. But for a team that can't push Zito to the bullpen because they're too thin in the rotation, I doubt they'll drop off the top ten any time soon.

Amazing Stat: Tim Lincecum's ERA is 1.23. The rest of the rotation is 5.24.

6. Washington Nationals (1) - Hey, congrats to the Nats for getting out of the #1 slot and dropping to 6th. They've won 4 of their last 6, including two to the Cubs this past weekend. That being said, I wouldn't hold out much hope of seeing them drop any lower on the list.

Amazing Stat: Hey, Nick Johnson isn't hurt yet!

5. Colorado Rockies (NR) - The Rockies have lost 7 of their last 10. Manny Corpas has lost his closing duties to Brian Fuentes. Rockies management has started using a new rallying cry to get the team pumped up. "It's time to drop the losing and pick up the Lord!"
Amazing Stat: Troy Tulowitzki is batting .157. Meanwhile everyone's favorite venison monger, Clint Barmes is batting .305.

4. Pittsburgh Pirates (10) - Oh Pittsburgh, will you ever be good? Even Kansas City managed a winning record in recent memory. The only bright spot on this team seems to be Nate McLouth. Nate will go 2-4 with a double and 3 RBI's as well as punch you in the face and have sex with your girlfriend, and oddly you will be ok with it. Sorry Chris Duffy, you no longer have a home.

Amazing Stat: Matt Morris was let go as Pittsburgh finally realizes he hasn't thrown effectively since 'Nam

3. Kansas City Royals (NR) - After briefly treating their fans to some winning baseball at the start of the season, Kansas City has finally nestled into the #3 spot in the rankings. The Royals have lost 8 of their last 10. Eh, I can't bag on KC too much. Like Pittsburgh, they've got a good group of fans that certainly deserve better than what they've got in the last 15 years. I can't help but hope that some day they'll get out of this funk and turn things around.

Amazing Stat: Zack Greinke's ERA is 1.25, Brian Bannister's is 2.48. Could this be the beginning of an effective one-two punch in the Royals rotation?

2. San Diego Padres (NR) - Now here's a team I have no problem bagging on. The Padres are 10-16 and have lost 8 of their last 10. While their starting pitching has been pretty solid, their relief pitching and offense have been suspect. Trevor Hoffman just doesn't look like the same young buck, rocking the jorts. Oh yeah, and they have Glendon Rusch in the bullpen, who's about as effective as Mark Prior's vagina. The offense has been miserable with Adrian Gonzalez's .280 AVG currently the best on the team. In a close second is Kevin Kouzmanoff with a fat .257.

Amazing Stat: San Diego as a team is batting .225 with a .620 OPS.

1. Texas Rangers (7) - Only two things come from Texas, steers and shitty baseball. Actually in the case of the Rangers it's mainly shitty pitching. Their offense actually isn't too bad at all. but man this pitching staff is as E-Claire would say, hella bad. Sure Kevin Millwood and Vicente Padilla are pitching decently, at least as far as what you can expect from someone like Kevin Millwood and Vicente Padilla. But beyond that, the rotation has looked atrocious. Then there's the bullpen. Any team that can just wear down the Texas starter early will be licking their chops in the later innings. However the main exception is C.J. Wilson. When he's not painting his teammates with generalized stereotypes, he's mowing down opposing batters in the closer role. If Texas can just get enough runs to take the lead before the final inning, they can have Wilson close it out and they'll be just fine.

Amazing Stat: Counting their days as the Washington Senators, the Rangers franchise currently has been around the longest without having even played in a World Series.

Look who got better and dropped off the previous list: #2 Detroit, #3 Cleveland, #5 Houston, #9 Atlanta