April 16, 2008 | Comments (0) | by Rich Funk


1. Matt Murton had sex with Jim Hendry/Lou Piniella's wife.
2. Matt Murton has broken 165 mirrors in the last 2 years and he is bad luck.
3. Matt Murton has the plague and should not be allowed into a clubhouse.
4. Matt Murton is no longer living.

Take a gander at the choices above and pick one. At least one of those things is true. One of those has to be true. That's the only logical explanation for what seems to be happening.

Soriano hurts himself impersonating Bill Gramatica. This leaves a hole in the Cubs outfield. Seems like it would make sense to call up an outfielder to replace him, right? Possibly a certain red haired outfielder?

So what do the Cubs do? They call up freakin' Eric Patterson. That's exactly what we need. That's the kind of logic that's responsible for the last 100 years of futility. Why would the Cubs bring up an outfielder with major league experience who is currently hitting .333 in the minors when they could just call up an infielder? Never mind the fact that DeRosa, Theriot, Fontenot and Cedeno are already on the roster.

It's not like the Cubs haven't had problems scoring runs in key situations over the past few years, right? So what better way to increase the black hole that is Felix Pie at the bottom of the order than adding another player who doesn't have much experience to the bottom of the lineup.

What should the Cubs have done? Put Murton in left? That's an option. Stick Fukudome in center, Murton in right and Daryle Ward in left? Also a possibility. But no, this reeks of putting Patterson at second and DeRosa in left.

I would write more, but I am speechless. What is happening with this team?!? It's getting...getting hard to breathe...darkness...imprisoning me...all that I see...absolute horror...