We here at Thunder Matt's Saloon are always looking for ways to compete with each other. Whether it's a rousing game of Quarters, our infamous Death League or a round of Roshambo, we're usually in a constant state of competition.
The latest contest we had was our world famous NCAA pool. The man at the top of the heap when it was all said and done was Mr. Chip Wesley himself. Despite a few shaky picks (St. Mary's in the Elite 8? I blame marijuana use.), Chip correctly guessed all 4 Final Four teams and picked Kansas to win over Memphis. Chip promptly drove to Vegas with Tommy Buzanis and immediately lost $50,000 by picking Stanford in the Women's bracket.
The final standings for our pool are below:
1. Chip Wesley
2. The Hundley
4. Chaim Witz
6. Erin "Who?" Slape
7. Dave Thomas
8. Daft Funk
9. Brant Brown
10. Nick V
But just because the tourney is over doesn't mean that the competitions here at the Saloon are over. Far from it. Each of us bartenders has certain areas in which we excel and competitions we're secretly skilled at. In a rare inside look at the bartenders here at the Saloon, here's a brief rundown of the current champs in the various competitions we've got:
Chip Wesley - Shuffleboard: There are many stereotypes that are just not true about the elderly. Not all of them are rich and not all of them will leave you something valuable when they die if you pretend to be their friend at an old folks home. But damn if Mr. Wesley doesn't give us a run for our money at shuffleboard. We don't even remember why we installed a shuffleboard surface in the Saloon in the first place. But that's alright because Chip doesn't remember much of anything these days. Think of Ron Santo with more legs.
Brant Brown - Hating: Have you ever seen those skits on Chappelle's Show where they have the Player Hater's Ball? Buck Nasty and Beautiful have got nothing on Brant. Whether it's DVD's, the weather, rap music or even us other bartenders, Brant can find a way to call it out and reduce it to a quivering mass. Hell, not even Lance Armstrong is safe from his all-seeing eye. I fully expect a hateful comment to be left for myself.
Chaim Witz - The Mother Pickup: No one, and I mean no one, can pick up a mother like Mr. Chaim Witz. On occasion, we'll make a bet or two and see just how many women Mr. Witz can pick up in an evening, and he always exceeds our expectations, just as long as the ladies he targets have popped out a kid or two. Strangely enough, Chaim has next to no chance when it comes to women with no children. We believe its because a lot of Chaim's game is made up of traits that appeal to mothers; he's extremely polite and punctual, irons his clothes and loves Justin Timberlake.
Daft Funk - Robot Champion: Yes, it's true. The title belt for our third annual "Who Can Do The Robot The Longest" competition sits above my (non-existent) mantle. There really isn't much explanation as to why...I guess it's all those hours in front of a mirror practicing because everyone else is out doing something fun or productive.
Dave Thomas - Foreward Champ: This past fall, us bartenders had our first ever "Forward, Ho!" competition to see which of us could forward the others the most links in a 24 hour period. The links had to be funny, unknown and you got 5 bonus points if it had something to do with a topic we had been discussing earlier in the day and an extra 10 points if it settled any kind of debate. Dave Thomas stepped up and blew us all away with links to websites and YouTube videos we didn't think could ever exist. The highlight was when he forwarded us 7 different links within a 20 minute span that had technically been removed from YouTube weeks earlier. He even found a picture of the Cloverfield monster 3 months before the movie came out.
Governor Gray Davis - Thumb Wrestling: What, you didn't think we would ignore all the traditional games, did you? Showing the poise and skill in thumb wrestling of someone half his age, The Gov plowed through our bracket (much like Chaim may be plowing through your mother this very instant) with little opposition to claim the title. He even set a world record by competing in three separate thumb wrestling matches at the same time (Don't ask how it was done. I was there and even I was confused. I just remember seeing a lot of elbows and I seem to remember a midget being involved, but I believe he was just there for moral support.). Having lost the 3-against-1 contest, our punishment was having to watch the entire first season of The Hills without the aid of alcohol.
The Hundley - Fightin': Ahhh fightin'...the oldest form of competition. Once every 6 months, we all strip down to loincloths, hire some strippers to walk around with a card that says "Round 3" (We only have one card, so it's always Round 3), and get to some good old fashioned fighting. The Hundley employed a foolproof strategy this past tournament: get drunk enough not to feel pain and bring a lead pipe. We never said anything about not being able to use lead pipes, so the tournament was pretty quick. The Gov took a few shots to the head, which resulted in some of his most unique work.
Lingering Bursitis - Most British: A word of advice: Never hold a "Who's The Most British" contest with someone that's actually British. It may have seemed like a good idea at the time, but it's destined to end horribly...much like this entire piece.