MLB Impotence Rankings

April 18, 2008 | Comments (0) | by Jake the Terrible Cubs Fan

It seems everywhere I look, someone is releasing their own set of "power rankings" these days. That's all well and good but to me, I find them ultimately boring. Boston is the best, woohoo, blah, blah. What doesn't get enough attention is what team is the absolute worst at the moment. Thankfully I'm here to help. I bring you Thunder Matt's MLB Impotence Rankings, a list of the 10 most craptastic teams of the moment.


10. Pittsburgh Pirates - The Pirates haven't been too terrible thus far, winning 5 of their last 10 games and sweeping the Reds. Hopefully this weekend series against the Cubs will bump up the rankings a bit for next week.

9. Atlanta Braves - Honestly the Braves shouldn't be on this list. When 5 of your 7 losses are one-run ballgames, it's just a matter of time before you start catching some more breaks. Their pitching rotation has been quite good and the only batter that has struggled so far is Mark Teixeira.

8. Minnesota Twins - Let's see, Livan Hernandez is their best pitcher so far and Justin Morneau and Jason Kubel are the only two to have hit any homers. Some more folks are going to have to pick up the slack here if the Twins are going to stop being so limp.

7. Texas Rangers - After dropping 5 in a row, the Rangers were able to right the ship a little bit by taking two from the Jays in Toronto. Now they head to Boston for four games. While the offense hasn't been too shabby, the pitching has had it's share of issues, most notably Jason Jennings. After three starts, Jennings is 0-3 with a 8.79 ERA with 5 HR, 10 BB and only 7 SO. That's pretty bad, even for Rangers standards.

6. Cincinnati Reds - Dusty's band of commies are heading home today after getting swept on the road by the Pirates and dropping 2 of 3 against the Cubs. The statline of the week goes to Josh Fogg's 2 inning performance on Wednesday. Fogg gave up 7 hits, 2 walks, a hit by pitch and 9 runs, which help push his ERA to a meaty 13.09 on the season.

5. Houston Astros - Breaking news. It has been revealed that Houston actually has 11 losses this season instead of 9.

4. San Francisco Giants - Obviously their recent 5-5 tear* is keeping them from ranking higher on the list. However as long as Barry Zito keeps sucking at life and Bengie Molina remains as their "home run threat", we'll be seeing the boys from the Bay Area for the duration.

3. Cleveland Indians - Definitely not what we expected from the Tribe, who have dropped 7 of their last 10 games. So far Jake Westbrook and Cliff Lee have been the most solid pitchers in the rotation. Fausto Carmona is sporting a nice 1.96 ERA but his 18 walks to just 10 strikeouts in 23 innings is a bit troubling. And then there's C.C. Sabathia, who looks absolutely atrocious. Perhaps his dough-like physique has finally bit him in the ass, which then bled sausage gravy.

2. Detroit Tigers - A week ago they would've been number one, but they've managed to finally piece together a few wins. The Tigers are 3-3 in their last 6 games, which is an improvement, but if you look at those 3 losses.....holy shit. 0-7, 0-11, 1-11 and two of those were with their "ace" Justin Verlander on the mound. The Tigers will need a little more help to get their season from flaccid to erect.

1. Washington Nationals - Hey at least the visit from the Pope distracted folks in DC to how absolutely shitty the Nats have been playing. Not since Bruce, has there been a Benedict to rock a ballpark crowd this hard. Anyway this Nationals team is pretty damn bad. So far this season Cristian freaking Guzman has been their best hitter, Tim Redding is the only starter to earn a victory, and closer Chad Cordero apparently has been inflicted with AIDS. Congrats Washington. You are the shittiest team in Major League Baseball.

*Yes, playing .500 ball would be deemed a "tear" for the Giants.