Chip's Playoff Picks: Tecmo Style

January 05, 2007 | Comments (0) | by Jake the Terrible Cubs Fan

Chip here, bringing my surefire can't-miss picks for this week's NFL playoff games. How can I be so positive on the accuracy of my predictions you ask? Well I've got a secret weapon. Behold, the TMS Super Simulator 2000!

Admit it you're impressed. No? Tecmo Super Bowl? I don't know what you're talking about this...uh....alright you got me. This is nothing more than Tecmo Super Bowl on an NES emulator with the rosters edited and retrofitted to the 2006 season*.

I didn't have time to do all the games so I picked two to cover, Seattle vs. Dallas and Indianapolis vs. Kansas City. Anyway, sit back and prepare to be dazzled by the magic of 8-bit technology!

Dallas Cowboys at Seattle Seahawks

This game has the closest spread of the four with Seattle favored by 3 according to most sports books.

Seattle won the toss and has elected to receive.

On the opening drive Seattle has no problem driving down the field as they score on a 12 yard QB keeper by Matt Hasselbeck (0-7 SEA).

Dallas isn't so lucky, as Romo is sacked once by Lofa Tatupu before throwing an interception to Ken Hamlin.

Seattle's ensuing drive lasts through to the beginning of the second quarter, where Shaun Alexander runs it in for TD (0-14 SEA).

Cowboys receive the kickoff with horrible field position. The TMS simulator has no regards for the touchback and will run every kick out of the endzone. With the ball on the 12, Romo is sacked on two straight plays, the second for a safety (0-16 SEA).

On the next drive Seattle takes it into Cowboy territory. But two straight sacks from Marcus Spears forces a FG on fourth down. Josh Brown nails it from 42 yards (0-19 SEA).

The Cowboys next drive looks good until Ken Hamlin once again picks off Tony Romo. With very little time left in the half, Seattle drives down close enough for Josh Brown to hit a 52 yard field goal as time expires (0-22 SEA at halftime).

Ken Hamlin gave Tony Homo fits in the first half.

The Cowboys come out firing on all cylinders and cap off an impressive drive with a TD pass to Terry Glenn. Over a full half has been played and not a single ball has been thrown T.O.'s way (7-22 SEA).

The Seahawks answer right back as Hasselbeck finds Darrell Jackson several times including one catch in the endzone. 8-bit T.O. can be seen shouting obscenities at Romo (7-29 SEA).

The shouting must have worked as the Cowboys use a bit of trickery and run a reverse with Owens. Terrell takes it 35 yards for the score (14-29 SEA).

Seattle goes nowhere on the next drive and is forced to punt. Dallas returns it to their 20 yard line to end the third quarter.

With a chance to make it a game Dallas begins their 80-yard drive. Romo throws two incompletions before being sacked for a 13 yard loss. On 4th and 23 on their own 7 yard line Parcells decides to go for it. They hand the ball off to Julius Jones who gets stuffed for a minimal gain. It appears 8-bit Parcells has lost faith in his QB.

Seattle goes nowhere with the excellent field position as Jason Ferguson sacks Hasselbeck twice. Josh Brown hits a field goal from 35 yards (14-32 SEA).

Dallas is hanging on by a thread and the crowd seems to be getting to them. They begin what looks like a promising drive, until Julius Jones fumbles and Seattle recovers. Josh Brown hits his fourth field goal of the game as it appears all but over for the Cowpokes (14-35 SEA).

With hardly any time left, Dallas attempts one last futile try for a score only to lose the ball on a Tony Romo fumble as time expires. Seattle wins, 35-14.

The player of the game is Ken Hamlin, whose two interceptions killed any momentum Dallas had in the first half. Here are the final stats:

Despite the high score it was a pretty anemic offensive showing for both teams. Much to my delight, Tony Romo was horrible, throwing two interceptions, fumbling once and getting sacked 4 times, once for a safety.

So rest easy gamblers. Seattle will easily cover the 3 point spread.

Kansas City Chiefs at Indianapolis Colts

Indy is favored by 7 points in this match and many feel that KC has a shot here, given that Larry Johnson should have a field day running against the Colts horrible run D. Well let's see what the TMSSS2000 has to say about it. Hopefully it will be a little more exciting than the horribly lopsided Seahawks-Cowboys game.

Indy won the toss and was all business coming out of the gate. Manning had no problem finding his favorite target Marvin Harrison for the game's first TD (0-7 IND).

KC answers right back with a lengthy drive of their own as Trent Green finds Samie Parker for a 35 yard TD pass (7-7).

Early in the second quarter, Indy once again drives with ease as Joseph Addai runs it in for another TD (7-14 IND).

Like last game, thumbing it's nose at the prospects of a touchback, the TSMSSS2000 makes KC run the kickoff out of the endzone as they get murdered with horrible field position. Predictably, Trent Green is sacked by Robert Mathis for a safety. (7-16 IND).

On the following drive, Indy again cannot be stopped as Peyton finds Marvin Harrison yet again for a TD. So much for this being close (7-23).

With time running out in the first half, the Chiefs begin unleashing the fury that is Larry Johnson (who mysteriously looks a lot like Christian Okoye) onto the Colts D. Indy looks helpless as Johnson rumbles down the field and eventually scores. We can only imagine how much more damage he could have done if the TMSSS2000 knew how to do the zigzag running pattern trick (14-23 IND at halftime.

Christ! Peyton is even ugly in 8-bit graphics!

KC starts the second half, much like how they ended the first, with Larry Johnson running wild. Johnson finds the endzone again, as the Chiefs have made a game of this (21-23 IND).

Unfazed, Peyton begins another successful drive. He throws a long pass to Reggie Wayne, who fumbles the ball at the Chiefs 20 yard line. Patrick Surtain recovers. The Colts crowd is shellshocked.

The Chiefs take the ball down into Colts territory before having to settle for a 32 yard field goal by Lawrence Tynes. The Chiefs have now rattled off 17 unanswered points to take the lead (24-23 KC).

Lawrence Tynes stealing the "Point to Jesus" move from Carlos Zambrano. Apparently Lawrence also went 'throwback' sporting the single bar face mask of Nick Lowery glory.

The Colts begin the fourth quarter with yet another scoring drive. Reggie Wayne redeems himself by catching a big pass on 3rd and long. Joseph Addai runs in for the TD (24-30 IND).

The Chiefs follow up with more Larry Johnson. Faced with a fourth down well within field goal range and enough time on the clock for a second possession, 8-bit Herm Edwards stupidly goes for it and just falls short on a dump pass to Johnson.

With Indy just trying to run the clock down, Manning says 'fuck it' and launches it deep to Reggie Wayne to put the final nail in the coffin as he scores on a 60+ yard touchdown, covering the spread (24-37).

With barely any time left, KC just runs the clock out as Trent Green heaves a couple lame duck incompletions. The Colts wins 37-24.

Despite the loss I'm giving Larry Johnson, Player of the Game. Check out the stats. The guy ran for 17.4 yards per carry! That and like Chaim, I refuse to acknowledge Peyton Manning being any good, even in simulated 8-bit form.

So that one came out fairly realistic. Larry Johnson did in fact run all over the Chiefs, but Indy's high-powered offense was just too much, coupled with Herm Edwards mismanagement of the fourth down in field goal range. So there you have it. Bettors rest assured that Indy and Seattle will have no problems covering their spreads thanks to the TMSSS2000.

*I know I'm a fucking nerd. No need to state the obvious here.