War Criminal Trial Update

January 13, 2007 | Comments (0) | by Governor X

Over Christmas, in lieu of spending time with "family" or celebrating "Jesus", I went to the Netherlands to get an update on the War Criminals I've called out. As a reminder, I have handed down nine harsh indictments for war crimes, not counting the blanket indictment of everyone on the planet in honor of the new year.

Those who have been handed over to Interpol are being held in this highly secure prison on the outskirts of Den Haag. The prison is secure not because of any particular security measures in place, but just because the Dutch have designed it in such a confusing way there is no hope of escape. For example, ESPN managed to escape its cell (the door wasn't locked), but it has never left the building. Dutch authorities assume the rotting corpse will turn up when it gets warm again.

The actual trials are being held in the building pictured left, the International Court of Justice. Presently, Nomar Garciaparra and A. J. Pierzynski are facing the court. Nomar is taking the Saddam Hussein route, growing a shaggy beard, quoting the Quran, and questioning the authority of the court. His trial is expected to be quick, lasting only another decade or so. A. J. is proceeding in a more traditional American fashion, inexplicably hiring a personal injury lawyer and objecting to every account brought up against him.

Unfortunately, I have to report Mother Nature has cheated justice. She hung herself in her cell with her underwear after a particularly grueling Dutch breakfast.

Tony Homo and Georgia Frontiere are still on the run, but after that field goal debacle, Texas state troopers are working around the clock to track this fiend down so he will face justice.

Negotiations are currently underway with regards to how California would extradite the entire San Diego Padres organization.