The Luck of the Muslims

January 04, 2007 | Comments (0) | by Martin Gramatica

Its official. The luck of the Irish has officially run out. It melted away in the Louisiana Superdome on Wednesday night as the seconds ticked off and LSU capped off their season with a resounding 41-14 victory over Notre Dame. Is anybody shocked? Besides the Notre Dame student body, faculty, alumni, parents, and the morons that flock to this program because they are part Irish, was there anybody that thought Notre Dame had a shot? Does anybody have any relief for Ol Chuck Weis and his Majerus-sized gut??

I do. Its not John Basedow and the Fitness Made Simple program. Its a name change. The Notre Dame Fighting Irish will now be known as The Notre Dame Fighting Muslims.

The luck has simply run out in South Bend and its high time that Touchdown Jesus turned into Touchdown Allah.

Lets face it, Irish people are drunks. They sit in taverns all night sipping black foamy lager listening to U2 and watching soccer. Muslims pray a lot. They can also be very violent. Ask any red-blooded American soldier in Iraq what their worst nightmare is and they'll likely tell you that its a cameljockey with a mange ravaged beard in a robe barking about Jihad with an RPG Rocketlauncher. Not a midget with a red beard and a four leaf clover stitched on his back.

Would there be anything more menacing for an opposing team than to come to Notre Dame Stadium in South Bend on a Saturday, run through the tunnel onto the field only to realize that it was made of sand, and to see the home team kneeling on rugs, kissing a copy of the Koran? Sounds much more scary than the current surroundings which make you feel like you are going to church.

Another good reason to take on the name of the Fighting Muslims would be that Americans could finally afford gas again. The trillion dollar oil companies in the Middle East would pack the stadium every week and gas prices would plunge in America. We could get a full tank of gas for the same amount it would cost us to go into a local watering hole and purchase a pint of that black foamy sludge the Irish call beer.

The cupcakes on the schedule would actually make interesting matchups for once. Imagine the storylines that would build up to the Air Force Vs Notre Dame game then?

I imagine that there would be some downfalls. For instance, it would be hard to know all of the players on the team. With names like El-Khazid Muhammed, Imaad Udeen Hussein, and Wajeeh Waahid Fateen, Brent Musberger would have his work cut out for him. Better yet, imagine what it would be like trying to listen to Pat Summerall call the game.

The cheerleaders would also be wearing blue and gold burqas. This would be a huge downfall from the hot sluts that currently patrol the Notre Dame sidelines. Instead of those great crotch shots that we currently get on TV, we would see.....well.....their eyes.

Maybe the Fighting Muslims isn't such a great idea. After all there is always room for lovable losers like the Irish. Just ask any Cubs fan. Worst of all, I'd hate to see what kind of tarp they would have to use to furnish Charlie Weis with a robe.

If the conversion to Fighting Muslims is unrealistic and unwanted, maybe we could try something else. How does the Notre Dame Fighting Pollacks sound?