Chip Wesley Press Conference

July 04, 2008 | Comments (0) | by Jake the Terrible Cubs Fan

Shocking news broke yesterday regarding Chip Wesley apparently being a Cardinals fan at one time. While rumors have run rampant since the story and incriminating photo were released, Mr. Wesley has chosen to hold a press conference in front of his peers to shed some light on this devastating news.

Chip: Thank you all for being here today on this national holiday. How fitting as I feel like I'm defending my patriotism here.

Yesterday a story involving my previous allegiance as a Cards fan was leaked. It is with a solemn and sad heart that I admit that this is 100% true. From a period of around 1987 to 2000 I could be considered a Cardinals fan.

I originally grew up as a Cubs fan. My earliest memories were of the 1984 Cubs and their pennant race. Somewhere along the line a few years later I was led astray. The reasoning behind my descent into Cardinals fandom is fourfold.
  1. As a kid I felt the urge to go against what everyone else in my family did. Somehow cheering for the Cardinals instead of the Cubs seemed like a good idea.
  2. As a means of trying to be more cool/popular at school I chose to like the teams that the coolest kid in my class liked, which happened to be the Cardinals and Washington Redskins.
  3. In 1987 the Cardinals were by far a better team than the Cubs. I was seduced by such luminaries as Whitey Herzog, Ozzie Smith, Vince Coleman, Willie McGee and Jack Clark.
  4. I was 8 years old. What the hell does an 8 year old know? Jack shit, that's what.
So there you have it. However over the years I certainly watched more Cubs games than Cards as the games on WGN were much more prevalent at this time. I still rocked an "Awesome Dawson" t-shirt in 4th grade, and I did cheer for the Cubs in the '89 pennant. But my main allegiances were always with the Redbirds. My favorite Cardinals during my younger years included Ozzie, Pedro Guerrero and Felix Jose. Don't ask me why but I thought Felix Jose was the shit.

Gradually as my teenage years came by, baseball in general took a bit of a back seat to other things like video games, girls, and discovering alcohol. But whenever it came up though, I would still say that I was a Cardinals fan*.

*There was one exception. In 1993 I became a huge fan of that Phillies team. Not the Phillies in general but that particular team with Kruk, Dykstra, Daulton, Mulholland, Hollins, etc. That was the most kickass team of the 90's. Joe Carter, you're a son of a bitch....

Eventually I got to college and in 1998 the Cubs had a young fireballer named Kerry Wood who threw 20 strikeouts in a game and also brought me back to where I belonged. It was that season that I came to a realization. I could name the entire starting lineup of the Cubs, but couldn't even name half of the Cardinals roster. So at that point I once again announced my allegiance to the Cubs, but also maintained one with the Cardinals. Obviously this sports bigamy couldn't last as it was absolutely asinine to claim to be a fan of both. So like Derek Vinyard in American History X, I saw the error in my ways and turned a new leaf. Thankfully my revelation didn't require being ass raped in prison.

In this post-9/11 society, I've been strictly a Cub fan thank you very much, and it feels good. I was with them in 2000 when Brant and I got to see back to back games with the immortal Daniel Garibay and Ruben Quevedo taking the hill. I was with them in 2003 when they ripped my heart out in Game 6. I was with them the following season when what appeared to be an even better team completely imploded under Dusty's incompetence. I was with them through the atrocious 2005 and 2006 campaigns. I was with them through Neifi-mania. I was with them last year as they were quickly swept under the rug by Arizona. And I will be with them when my cold dead ass is buried 6 feet in the ground.

Looking back I'm really ashamed that I was ever affiliated with the Cardinals. You can call bullshit if you want, but I don't ever feel like I truly liked them. I mean, looking back I have all sorts of memories of various Cubs games but literally none of the Cardinals, aside from one I saw where Felix Jose hitting a home run after an announcer predicted he would. Again, I was gay for Felix Jose, what can I say?

Either way, it is a part of my past, and now my secret is out. I can only hope we can move on from here in a positive manner. Thank you. I will now take questions from the bartenders.

Daft Funk: How the hell did this happen?

Chip: Jesus Christ Funk, were you paying any attention?

Daft Funk: Uh, not really. New question then. While actively rooting for the Cardinals, did you find yourself attracted to men more than you do now? Did you also lose the urge to spell correctly and brush your teeth?

Chip: My attraction to men has never wavered regardless of my baseball loyalties. As a kid I was always a Level 1 speller and brushed regularly, giving proof that I was never truly meant to follow this backwoods franchise.

The Hundley: Can any person make a reasonable argument FOR Ozzie Smith being a 1st ballot HOF'er, let alone being IN the HOF?

Chip: Yes I'll make that argument. I think he is deserving. However I also firmly believe that Ron Santo, Jim Rice, Andre Dawson, Bert Blyleven, Jack Morris, and Dale Murphy should all be in as well.

Governor Gray Davis: Have you ever tucked a red polo shirt into khaki shorts?

Chip: Um no, but I do believe I have owned both a red polo shirt and khaki shorts at one time. Pleated khaki shorts even. I never rocked the Teva sandals though so you can't fully convict me on those grounds.

Chaim Witz: (Slurring) Are you a fucker? What does dick taste like? Is St. Louis still reeling from the loss of Kurt Warner?

Chip: Whoa, whoa, whoa there Chaim. Let's take it easy here. I know you're upset. To answer those three questions I would say, ask your mom, ask your mom again, and are you drunk?

Chaim Witz: Maybe. What is LaRussa like when he's drunk?

Chip: Much like yourself, surly and constantly buying chunky girls shots of Patron.

Brant Brown: Did you invite Joe Buck to your wedding?

Chip: He was a groomsman. Remember, he stood right next to you at the ceremony.

The Hundley: Do you ever have any sexual fantasies involving Tommy Herr and/or Whitey Herzog? Werner Herzog? Herr Herzog?

Chip: No on everyone except Tommy Herr, in which who doesn't?

The Hundley: What's harder - being a closet Cardinal fan, or being a closet homosexual?

Chip: Clearly it's closet homosexual. I've kept quiet on this Cardinals thing for quite a while now, but I do shit that could be deemed "gay" on a daily basis.

Daft Funk: Do you find yourself secretly rooting for the St. Louis Rams as well?

Chip: I don't think anyone openly roots for the Rams let alone secretly.

Chaim: (Slurring to the point of near incoherence) I heard Daryl Kile is still alive and is roomates with Tupac. True?

Chip: Wow, yeah. I think we're done here. No more questions, you gentlemen have a nice day.