Thunderfist 2008

July 29, 2008 | Comments (0) | by Jake the Terrible Cubs Fan

Ladies and gentlemen, Thunderfist is upon us. The single greatest event in the history of Thunder Matt's Saloon, nay the City of Chicago. In order to help you understand the what, where, when, how, and duh, I've compiled an informative FAQ for you folks as a means to better understand what Thunderfist entails and how you should prepare for this debacle.

So what the hell is Thunderfist anyway?
Thunderfist 2008 is the largest single gathering of TMS Bartenders in one place to date. 7 of the 8 main bartenders plus Tommy Buzanis plan to descend upon the Windy City. Shenanigans will be afoot. Beers will be drank, manhoods will be questioned, and Buzanis says his yacht, the 'Orifice Penetrator' will be "locked and loaded". I don't even know what that means but OK.

7 of 8 plus Buzanis? Can we get a roll call here?
Sure, Chaim Witz and Dave Thomas will represent the Chicagoans. The Hundley and myself will be proudly carrying the flag of Iowa. Brant Brown and the Governor will escape from behind the Orange Curtain, and due to the rousing success of our "Bring Funk to Chicago" pledge drive, Daft Funk will be coming in from San Diego. Buzanis of course will be hailing from an Applebees in Lombard.

What's the agenda of Thunderfist?
Well the festivities will kick off on Friday evening with a party at Chaim Witz's humble abode where we will dine on "Chicago Style" hot dogs and various alcoholic beverages. An argument about ketchup will surely unfold. Buzanis will ask for a plunger on at least two occasions, one of which will not even involve the toilet. Bartender Dave Thomas will make us all feel uncomfortable by having his shirt unbuttoned far too much.

After Chaim's, the party will adjourn to Baby Atlas where the PBR will flow like wine. At this point things will surely unravel. Chaim will have the DJ play his mixtape he made, which will consist of nothing but Phil Collins and the Spin Doctors. I will probably blackout and pour a beer on someone, perhaps myself. Buzanis will regale people with stories about his tour in 'Nam, but in reality his "tour" was 8 years ago and involved him searching for an underground child prostitution ring that Gary Glitter once told him about.

On Saturday, the crew will attend the Cubs vs. Pirates and sit in the bleachers. Heckles will be tossed about, Old Styles will get warm and inevitably spilled, Chaim's brother will be made fun of for being an honest to God Pirates fan, and in a bout of drunken confusion a "Thunder Matt" chant will likely be started.

After the game we will be heading to the Gingerman for after-game libations. Things will then turn into a battle of wills, determination and stamina as we forge ahead in an alcohol-soaked afternoon of mayhem. Over/under for number of folks cashing out by 5pm is currently 2.5.

This all sounds fabulous, can I join you and have the honor of buying a round of beers?

Sure, while Chaim's party and Baby Atlas will be private gatherings you're more than welcome to find us at the game or at Gingerman afterwards. We'll be the drunk guys wearing the Cubs paraphernalia. Honestly I'm not sure how you would spot us. My only recommendation is to randomly shout "THUNDER MATT!" at Gingerman or in the bleachers and see if one of us acknowledges. To help narrow the search, we probably will be sitting in left field (pouring out a little Old Style in memory of Murton).

Seriously though, by all means try to find us. We'd love to talk to some of our readers, if only to verify our writing can appeal to readers that are in fact not mentally challenged.

So who's NOT going to be at Thunderfist?
Lingering Bursitis will be the only one not attending, although The Hundley will be in limited attendance due to him really being in Chicago for Lollapalooza. The likelihood of TMS turning Limey by our English bartender is high. Prepare for a weekend's worth of posts about Scotch eggs and soccer while we're away.

Shit, Lollapalooza is going on too?
Yes, we had talks with Perry Farrell to postpone Lollapalooza to a later date but to no avail. Whether or not Chicago can withstand this much awesomeness in one weekend is unknown. There is also an issue with Buzanis being in town the same time as G. Love and Special Sauce since a restraining order was put against him by the band after a 1999 incident involving a drunk Tommy rushing the stage and attempting to play air guitar and sing "Cold Beverages".

Also apparently the Warped Tour is in town as well. This was planned so the large influx of emotards would neutralize the amount of testosterone Thunderfist will bring.

So brace for the worst Chicago. It's gonna get rowdier than "free cocksock night" at a Boystown bar.

Here are some artist's renderings of what Thunderfist may look like.

Feel free to check out our commemorative Thunderfist 2008 t-shirt at the Saloon Store.