OJ Simpson's Low Down Dirty Shame

July 25, 2008 | Comments (0) | by Rich Funk

This week's series against the Brewers is easily the biggest of the year to date. While we have all the confidence in the world in the Cubs and their ability to pound the Losers to the North for 4 games, it never hurts to have a little insurance. That's why, due to popular demand, we're bringing back our #1 undercover spy to do whatever is necessary to give the Cubs a slight edge. Ladies and Gentlemen...O.J. Simpson!

Whaaaaaaat's crackulatin'?

So there's been a lot going on with The Juice since I last checked in. I'd like to say that I've been spendin' all my time playin' golf and polishing my Heisman Trophy. But since I'm broke, I've been hanging out around the mini-golf place looking to cruise the 14 year old hotties and the only "polishing" I do is "off another bottle of Ten High."

But over the weekend, I got a call from the guys over at the Saloon and they said they might be interested in my services. I happen to have a recording of the call so I can share it with you. I record all of my phone calls. Why? Because I think the voice of one of the debt collectors that calls me every week is ten kinds of sexy and I like to have her soothing tones on tape. OJ = J/O!

Now let's see how that call went:

OJ: What's crackulatin'?
Daft Funk: Is that how you actually answer all your calls, or did you see it was me on caller ID?
OJ: Caller ID? Shit, son...this is a payphone!
DF: Look, we've got a series with the Brewers coming up and we need some kind of edge, legal or not. Think you're up to it?
OJ: Damn, you know me! There's only three things I'm good at. One is Hertz commercials. The other is stabbin' suckas!
DF: That's only two things. What's the third thing?
OJ: The third thing is shut your mouth before I stab you.
DF: Look, OJ...we have no problem hiring you, but the last time you worked for us, the Brewers still won 2 out of 3. I'm sending you over the Brewers media guide. Make sure you get the job done this time.
OJ: Yeah, I'll give yo mamma a job.
DF: OJ, I can still hear you.
OJ: Aw, shit...

Ain't no one got no faith in OJ these days. Well guess what? Im'a come through this time and show y'all that The Juice on the loose is still dangerous as a Bengal Tiger! I've even got a foolproof plan. Since them Brewers know me on sight, I'm gonna have to come up with something clever to get close to their clubhouse.

Ladies and gemtlemen, meet J.O. Sampson, the newest AAA player to be called up to the Brewers. All I gotta do is kill talk my way past the clubhouse security, and I'm gonna blend right in. Legit!

So that Sabathia fattie is starin' tonight? Yeah son, I'd keep a close eye on that bastard after OJ gets to work on him. Yeah, you can't pull fat like you can a muscle, but you can bury a pencil into it 10 minutes before gametime. And you can threaten to kidnap that fat's family too. Works every time.

I ain't gonna let you Cubs fans down again. OJ's gonna rise from the ashes...the ashes of my double wide, that is. SHIT! When did this shit burn down again? I must have left my skin mags too close to the hot plate again. Ain't that about a bitch!

And that's the low down dirty shame.