Album Of The Week

July 01, 2008 | Comments (0) | by Rich Funk

What good is bringing you an album of the week if we don't also tell you exactly why you should like it? This week, we're celebrating a return to the decadent and cocaine fueled stylings of Sunset Strip's favorite sons, Motley Crue. Chaim Witz is here to lend a hand as we break down Motley Crue's new album Saints of Los Angeles.

L.A.M.F. - This is just an intro track. No review necessary. But it does give us the chance to remind you that one time, Motley Crue watched Ozzy Osbourne snort an entire line of live ants. SHAAARON!!!

Face Down In The Dirt - We're off to a rollicking start, with Mick Mars riffing like a man without a spinal disease and Vince Neil squealing about how he'd rather be 'face down in the dirt with a bullet in my head' than to hold down a 9-5 job. A bit extreme there Vince, but I'll play along. Tommy Lee's drumming immediately makes it presence known by having sex with your spouse. This Song Sounds A Lot Like: Tommy Lee having sex with your spouse...while you nod in approval.

What's It Gonna Take - As much as I enjoy this album, this song made me worry a bit. We're only 2 songs deep into the album, and there's already a crappy "How am I gonna get famous in LA?" song that's not only lyrically weak, but also sounds exactly like the 3 Doors Down song Running Out Of Days. If you ever wanted to hear an alt-rock version of the Crue, here's your shot. This Song Sounds A Lot Like... Running Out Of Days by 3 Doors Down

Down At The Whiskey - This is mid-tempo rocker seems destined for massive airplay, being catchier than a cold in a preschool. The Whiskey in question is the club, not the drink, but it might as well be. In case you hadn't noticed, this album is kind of autobiographical and in somewhat chronological order to boot. Probably because this album was supposed to accompany the movie version of their highly entertaining autobiography The Dirt (even Mrs. Chaim likey), which has been in limbo longer than Dave Thomas' sexuality. This Song Sounds A Lot Like... 'Same Old Situation' off of Dr. Feelgood.

Saints Of Los Angeles - If this song doesn't make you want to punch babies and take up smoking, I've got no time for you. This is vintage Crue, with loud guitars, louder drums and a sing-a-long, devil horns chorus. Easily their best song in years, this one has already become 'Classic Crue' and will be a concert staple 3 reunion tours from now. This Song Sounds A Lot Like: Dr. Feelgood by way of Primal Scream.

Motherfucker Of The Year - This is truly a sign that with this album, the Crue is back, or at least as close to 'back' as anyone can expect from a band that's about to enter it's 4th decade of existence. Most bands would be content with being the Motherfucker of the day, or even of the week if they were feeling ambitious. Not Vince and Co. Next album, they're shooting for 'Douchebags Of The Century'. This Song Sounds A Lot Like... it could be a Puddle Of Mudd song, but only if Puddle of Mud was...y'know...good.

The Animal In Me - I suppose that this is the closest thing that the album has to a ballad, but not in the 'Home Sweet Home' sense. This is "nu-rock" balladry at it's finest (or worst depending on your perspective). A fucking sweet guitar solo keeps you from crying. This Song Sounds A Lot Like...Vince Neil channeling Staind.

Welcome To The Machine - Another straight up rocker in classic hair-metal frenzy style. Now you may be asking "Do we really need another song talking about how the music industry/LA music scene will chew you up and spit you out after exploiting you for everything you're worth?" And to this I say "If that's a problem, why the hell are you listening to a Motley Crue album?" Go back to your Death Cab, hippie. This Song Sounds A Lot Like... No imitations. This is straight up Crue back to front.

Just Another Psycho - This song is kind of catchy, but nothing special. We know you're psycho Vince. You were on Surreal Life with Hammer and Webster. This Song Sounds A Lot Like...Something Tawny Kitaen would listen to.

Chicks = Trouble - Not since the concept of Topless Tutors have math and boobies come together so well. I almost gave this song a FAIL simply because Motley Crue did not show their work on this problem. I think it may have started out something like this:

[(Tommy Lee's Marriages^2-27)/Groupies] x [ (Fistfights x^2)/(9-Prenup)]/[(STD Infections^2+3x)/6]

This Song Sounds A Lot Like... it could have been a Van Halen song circa Diamond Dave's heyday. The best line of the song? "My balls are deep in debt."

This Ain't A Love Song - Conversation between me and Vince Neil:
Vince: "This ain't a love song..."
Me: "It's not? Well then what is it?"
Vince: "This is a fuck song."
Me: "Ummm...gotcha."
This Song Sounds A Lot Like... Big Bottom from Spinal Tap, and I mean that in a good way.

White Trash Circus -Tommy's drums again slap you in the face, proving he has more to offer than just a giant cock. Wow. I just said that. Containing one of my favorite riffs on the album, I imagine that when they play this live, the stage will be overrun with midgets, fire breathers, trannies on stilts and other tattooed vagabonds from the fringes of society. This Song Sounds A Lot Like...The orgy over at Tommy's house.

Goin' Out Swingin' - Any time you can fit two apostrophes in one song title, you know you've struck gold. Probably the fastest and most aggressive song on the album, this little number will kick your ass and steal your lunch money while you say 'thank you' and ask for seconds. A perfect end for an album that was much better than I thought the Crue was capable of at this point in their career. This Song Sounds A Lot Like... Dr Feelgood. Is their any higher praise?