OJ Simpson's Low Down Dirty Shame

July 30, 2008 | Comments (0) | by Rich Funk

Whaaaaaaaaat's crackulatin'?

Does The Juice come through or does The Juice come through? Need a big Brewer error late in the game on Monday? OJ's got yo' back. Need a complete bed-crapping performance from Ben Sheets? Look no further than The Juice! Tired of your wife and want her to disappear? Well, let's just worry about the Brewers right now. We can talk after the series in my motel bathroom office.

So I guess my "bloody toy" trick didn't phase Tha' Sheetz last night, which makes ol' JO Sampson wonder about what kind of freak ass shit goes on in that dude's house. The good news was that Big Z was dealin' more than just ecstasy last night. Homie was breaking spirits, breaking bats and "breaking balls" (I'm so goddamn funny...) all night. The bad news was that Tha' Sheetz was pretty damn good too. So in the dugout before the 6th inning, I told Sheets that for every out he gets in the inning, I'd cut off one of his balls.

That seemed to be enough to get Tha' Sheetz spooked (especially since I actually showed him the knife!), and he gave up 7 straight hits. And to avoid suspicion, I went up to Sheets after the game and said "Yo dude, you know I was just playin' around with that balls thing, right? JO Sampson wouldn't touch your balls! I only touch the balls of pitchers that don't suck! Beli'dat!"

A lot of you must be thinking that I must have been shouting threats at Ryan Braun whenever he went back for a ball to left yesterday. Nope. No assistance from The Juice needed on that one. He's just that bad in the field. Lat night, he sure did murder his team's chances! Get it? Murder? HAAAAA HA HA HA HA! Oh my Jesus...this funny and a dead ringer for Denzel? Ladies, you best be comin' over to OJ's room after the game before it's too late! God damn, I'm such a catch!

As if there was any doubt, my performance last night deserves a 5 out of 5 on the OJ Meter.


But jes' because I did some good yesterday don't mean that I ain't plannin' a few tricks tonight. Manny Parra went to San Juan High School. Their mascot is the Ram. And you know how much damage your boy OJ did against the Rams in his career. Shit, those fools couldn't tackle me if I was drunk. And I know that because one time, I was! Still rushed for 154 yards though. Hey, someone had to show them fools in St. Louis how to hold they liquor. Plus, if you're really fucked up, you can puke into someone else's mouth at the bottom of a pile. Just don't do it while you're laying on you're back. You'll puke into your own nose. And that's the low down dirty shame.

"God damn...you wish you were this silky-smooth motherfucker right here."