The Cubs Go Hollywood

July 15, 2008 | Comments (0) | by Rich Funk

With the fans dreaming of a World Series run in the second half, the Cubs find themselves at the doorstep of immortality. They are putting themselves in prime position to do something that will make them all immortals, lasting images until the end of time. I am not talking about winning a World Series. Sure, that's what we all want, but that won't get you remembered. I don't even remember who won last year. Probably the Yankees, right?

No, I'm talking about being made into a Hollywood movie. With a World Series win, the Cubs will have more than enough drama and comedy to become their own movie a la such baseball greats as Bull Durham, The Natural and Summer Catch Dances With Wolves (Costner was in it, so it had to be baseball, right?).

I've decided to do Hollywood a favor and start casting this masterpiece immediately.

Alfonso Soriano played by Mos Def

This one makes total sense. Mos Def has got some decent acting ability, and I think he could handle the role. While Mr. Def was entertaining in Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy (so I hear...I didn't see it), I'm casting him mostly on the strength of his performance in various Chappelle's Show sketches. Remember the Racial Draft? Classic.

Jim Edmonds played by Steve-O

Steve-O is perfectly trained to handle all the unnecessary diving and showboating in center field that Edmonds is known for. Both are douchebags, yet you can't stop watching either of them because there's always the slim chance of them doing something worth paying attention to.

Kosuke Fukudome played by Robert Downey Jr.

As much as I'd love to continue my goal in life of getting Long Duck Dong more work in Hollywood, I'd love to see what Downey could bring to the role. We can't have Steve-O carry the film, so this makes sense from a marketing standpoint. And what better way for Downey to follow up playing a black guy than playing an Asian guy?

Geovany Soto played by Antonio Banderas

You're welcome. I just convinced your girlfriend to go see a Cubs movie.

Derrek Lee played by Derrek Lee

The dude was on ER last year and didn't embarass himself. He was actually pretty damn good. I say let him have a shot at playing himself.

Ryan Theriot played by Chip Caray

This is only because I hope he injures himself during filming and can never speak again.

Mark DeRosa played by Dane Cook

See above. How fun would it be to see whoever is on the mound pitching in the movie continually hit Dane Cook in the face? I'd buy the DVD just for those extras!

Aramis Ramirez played by Manny Ramirez

I know what you're going to say already. "Daft, you're a racist! You think all people named Ramirez look the same!" That's not true, but it works this time. Plus, I'm sure you could get Manny to do it for free. His jersey will still say "Ramirez" on the back, so I think he'd have no idea that a movie was being filmed.

Matt Murton played by David Caruso

Also, the Saloon's own Governor Gray Davis would do in a pinch.

Rich Harden played by Jesus

If the Cubs win the Series, Harden will probably have a big part in it. And if that's the case, he'll be beloved in Chicago forever. Plus, Jesus had a nasty cutter.

Carlos Marmol played by Gary Busey

Popular vote probably would have gone to Barack Obama, but he's too busy. Besides, we need a guy who is pretty unstable in the head, and Busey fits that to a T.

Rich Hill played by Gary Busey

Well if we're going to have him come in to play one head-case pitcher, might as well make it two.

Jon Lieber played by Rich Hill

If we're paying this guy, we might as well get some work out of him and cast him as Jon Lieber. Maybe pitching righty will get his head out of his ass.

Ted Lilly played by Kyle Chandler

This guy is a dead ringer for Ted Lilly and a fantastic actor to boot. Plus, you know he's got experience at giving inspirational speeches. If this movie is picked up by Disney, you know it'll have about 10 of them.

Still uncast: Kerry Wood, Carlos Zambrano, Jason Marquis, Sweet Lou. Any thoughts?