Superclasico Super Soccer Drunk Blog

July 10, 2008 | Comments (1) | by Governor X

Are you stoked? You should be. The only thing the MLS has even remotely close to a legitimate rivalry is about to be rekindled. The LA Galaxy are ready to take on their hated cross-stadium interlopers Chivas USA. We're coming to you live from the TMS SoCal Soccer Command Center basking in the glow of the newly hung Galaxy poster (seen here).

7:59 - The first margarita is made. GAME ON.

8:00 - The WNBA game is running long. Are you fucking kidding me? These "women" could at least miss shots quickly. There will be hell to pay if they don't cut away from this (hell to pay = yet another threatening letter sent to Stuart Scott).

8:03 - Christ...they are letting the WNBA game rap up. The crowd of fifty teenage girls too ghastly to get felt up at a high school make out party are chanting "Beat LA". Kill me now.

8:11 - The WNBA game is mercifully over. Suckramento over LA by 18 if you cared (you don't).

8:13 - Football is on (soccer will hereafter be referred to properly as "football"). Thankfully it hasn't started yet. No letter to Stuart Scott today - at least not about this. Beckham and Donovan are playing (praise jesus). They just told everyone the Galaxy are the highest scoring team in the MLS. Take notice you bastards. Beckham is talking...worst voice ever. Like Chris Martin with a couple corncobs up his ass.

8:18 - Kickoff. First place up for grabs!

8:19 - Our first phantom foul. Bullshit. Chivas' token Jewish player just fell down.

8:21 - Another Chivas player just fell down. Is this Italy? No foul this time though. No. 8 on the Galaxy...Vagenas. That sounds suspiciously like vagina.

8:24 - Yellow card on Vagina.

8:27 - Fuck. Another yellow card. This one on my boy Donovan. Man crush on Landon Donovan? You betcha.

8:33 - Goal Chivas. You sons of bitches. Kim Clijsters I think. Oh wait, she plays tennis. I have to admit it was a pretty goal though. No worries. LA will put a few up on these chingadas.

8:41 - Shut up about the New York Red Bulls already. No one wants to hear about these corporate sell outs. A name on your jersey? Sure. Changing the name of your team to suit your dirtbag corporate sponsor? I don't think so. Remember when they were the Metrostars? That guy who went on to be a place kicker for the Jets played for them. I forget his name.

8:43 - Tony Meola. Thats it. What a douchebag. He's probably drunk and face down in a Jersey pizzeria right now. Galaxy just missed a sweet goal.

8:49 - I need another drink. A great thing about football? No commercials. A bad thing about football? No commercials. When am I supposed to get loaded. I need a waitress.

8:50 - Galaxy injury. Some scrub. This is my chance to get another drink.

8:52 - No time to fix another margarita. Beer. Cerveza to be more specific. Carta Blanca. Its ok. Look for a TMS Beer Project on it. Wow. They're wheeling him off on a stretcher.

8:55 - That guy had back spasms. I've had them before. They suck, but they're hardly stretcher worthy. He gets a pink card for being a pussy.

8:59 - Apparently that Chivas goal was actually Ante Razov (communist). Why can't MLS announcers ever get it right? Basically every game I watch, they misassign a goal. It wasn't Kim Klijsters at all.

9:03 - Two narrow misses for LA. Drinking game: Every time LA narrowly misses a goal, chug your beer.

9:07 - Half time. 1-0 Chivas. Boo. Nice physical game though. Once it was clear Chivas was flopping, the refs quit calling fouls on LA. Thats what I like to see. For all the shit the MLS takes, you have to give it this: Its relatively flop-free. Not as good as the Mexican league in that regard, but its a damn sight better than one of those foppish countries like Spain or Italy.

9:19 - This Carta Blanca is awful. I'm going to make another margarita.

9:25 - Second half underway. Second margarita also underway. Yeah, its not much, but its Thursday.

9:35 - This margarita is much better. Second half? Not so much. LA has come out rather flat. I looked at the Herbalife website once before, but I don't remember what was there. I'm going back.

9:36 - Thats right. Pretentious herbal personal care products. They have a recipe for Chipotle Grilled Swordfish though. That sounds tasty. I'm hungry. I wish I hadn't eaten all of my Ritz crackers.

9:45 - Chivas' goalkeeper Brad Guzan may go to Astin Villa. Stay in the MLS you twat. We need to build American football up (I almost called it soccer). Besides, fuck Astin Villa.

9:50 - GALAXY GOAL!!!!!!!!! Edson Buddle! All tied up.

9:51 - Red card on Chivas' coach Preki! The meltdown is imminent. Yes, this guy uses one name. Cher? Madonna? Douche?

9:55 - Hah! A Chivas' goal is called back! It was Kim Klijsters this time. Yellow card on him for bitching about it.

9:59 - The Galaxy have a group of fans called the LA Riot Squad. Somewhere, Reginald Denny sheds a tear...

10:07 - Another fucking save for Guzan. You know what? Go to Astin Villa you miserable piece of shit...

10:08 - All of Beckham's crosses have been off tonight. Now is as good a time as any to admit this: I saw Bend it Like Beckham. Kira Knightley? Mmmmmm..... Yeah, I know she has no tits, but there's just something about her.

10:12 - And thats it. 1-1 draw. Both Chivas and the Galaxy remain in 1st place in the tight Western Conference.

Until next time then!