Celebrity NFL Picks Week 1 with Huell Howser

September 04, 2008 | Comments (0) | by Governor X

The 2008 NFL season is finally upon us and in the tradition of the Wrigley 7th inning stretch, TMS will periodically bring in B-list celebrities none of you have heard of to provide NFL picks. First up, we have called in our underused correspondent, California TV legend, hot air balloon enthusiast, and rumored homosexual Huell Howser to make his prognostications. The Swami can go to hell. Huell dispatched a carrier pigeon with a videocassette of his picks from his headquarters in the Modesto Applebees and I received it this morning.

Well hello everybody! I'm Huell Howser and I'm excited to be here with you at the start of another great adventure. Last year the Giants won the Super Bowl in spite of a total lack of talent. That was amazing! Lets get to it:

Washington at NY Giants
Now I haven't heard anyone use the term "Redskins" since I was a boy in Tennessee. Native American is the preferred nomenclature now. There was a 92 year old Chickasaw woman who made the most amazing baskets out of the reeds that grew near the river. Now, this woman had a friend from Delaware with a clubbed foot who would take these and build miniature barns out of them. She also had one of those dogs that eat avocados!

Pick: Giants 24 Redskins 17

Cincinnati at Baltimore
Baltimore is a fascinating city! One of the most amazing sights in the city is the National Great Blacks in Wax Museum. Its the first museum of its kind. Wow!

Pick: Bengals 31 Ravens 10

NY Jets at Miami
I love Miami! Every year, Cameron and I go down there to hit the clubs and beach. The beaches are amazing. Everyone is so ripped and tan. Mojitos are my drink of choice while I'm there. The Mojito has an amazing history. It originated in Cuba. I interviewed a man who was making one at my favorite beachfront club and he said you make them with rum and mint leaves!

Pick: Jets 14 Dolphins 3

Kansas City at New England
New England is the birthplace of our nation, and as you may have guessed, there are lots of great places to visit! Did you know they had witch trials in Salem? I didn't. Everywhere you go in that town you see witches. I counted 7 myself. Here's one now!

Pick: Pats 41 Chiefs 7

Houston at Pittsburgh
Pittsburgh was the home of our once proud steel industry. The city is so proud of their army of virile steel workers that they named their football team after them.

Pick: Steelers 27 Texans 21

Jacksonville at Tennessee
Finally back in my home state after all these years! I had to leave after that incident with the preacher's son. They sent him to a camp for confused boys after that and I went to California, the land of opportunity. Tennessee's state slogan is "Tennessee - America at its best!" I agree.

Pick: Jags 20 Titans 17

Detroit at Atlanta
So you guys are picked to be two of the worst teams this season, and yet you still go out there and play your little games anyway. That's amazing.

Pick: Lions 34 Falcons 12

Seattle at Buffalo
Buffalo is the home of a truly amazing man. Leo Hanford is 82 years young and has been adding tin foil to his ball since 1952! Its now the single largest ball of tin foil in the world. I did an entire show about it last year. He said he prefers Reynolds tin foil to store brands.

Pick: Seahawks 10 Bills 9

Tampa Bay at New Orleans
I have had a lot of fun in New Orleans over the years. There wasn't much to do as a boy in Tennessee, so me and my buddies would hop in the old Ford and head down to the Big Easy. Even then, I was amazed at the wide variety of things they have to see there. Did you know they have these huge rodents called nutria in Louisiana? Its like a huge rat. Wow!

Pick: Saints 28 Bucs 6

St. Louis at Philadelphia
Philadelphia is the home of the cheesesteak and I believe I have found the original cheesesteak at Philly Joe's Steak Shack on the northeast side. Now, I love to eat and these cheesesteaks are so good they have to be the real deal.

Pick: Eagles 23 Rams 14

Dallas at Cleveland
Oh my gosh! Even I find this match-up boring!

Pick: Cowboys 30 Browns 24

Carolina at San Diego
San Diego is one of my favorite places in all of California. There's so much history! I like to ask around and hear some of the colorful stories about the town. I spoke to a young man who told me it was founded by the Germans and the name means "a whale's vagina" - wow! I never knew that. He thought it was pretty funny. I just thought it was an amazing bit of history.

Pick: Chargers 35 Panthers 14

Arizona at San Francisco
As you may have guessed, I also love San Francisco! There are so many great neighborhoods like the Castro and so many friendly people like this guy here. The 49ers take their name from the gold miners who came out here to California during the gold rush. They all gathered in Sutter Creek to search for gold. I bet they all had an amazing time. How could you not? Hard work and no women to get in the way. Just the boys.

Pick: Cardinals 27 49ers 16

Chicago at Indianapolis
Peyton Manning is a douche.

Pick: Colts 34 Bears 8

Minnesota at Green Bay
If you love cheese like I do, then Green Bay is the place to be. There are so many varieties of cheese you can find here. I don't even know if that's true! It has to be, they wear cheese on their heads.

Pick: Vikings 17 Packers 14

Denver at Oakland
Oakland has one of the highest crime rates in the nation. Another great example...of California's gold.

Pick: Broncos 28 Raiders 9

I hope you've learned as much and had as much fun as I had!