Completely Useless By September?

September 10, 2008 | Comments (0) | by Arcturus

We've all heard the phrase before. We've seen it in comments left on the stories on FOX, Yahoo, ESPN, and blogs all across the interwebs. Usually those words are uttered with glee and/or malice by the fans of other teams who revel in the fact that the little ballclub from the Northside hasn't won the Big Dance in one hundred years and hasn't even been more than a wallflower for the past thirty-seven years.

So here we are. It's September again. The Cubs curently hold a four game lead over Milwaukee, who hasn't been able to capitalize on a struggling Cubs team that has one victory thus far in the ninth month of the year. The Cubs have been one of the best three teams in baseball for most of the season. I'm sorry, but that just doesn't vanish overnight. At this time last year, the Cubs had a one game lead over the Brewers and managed to hold them off to secure the divison. The Cubs can do that again, provided they pull out of this current funk. I've got four reasons why they can:

1. Derrek Lee Needs To Kick Some Ass

Derrek is the team leader. What we need is a closed door meeting where Derrek delivers a speech worthy of John Belushi in Animal House, Bill Murray in Stripes, and John Goodman from The Big Lebowski all rolled into one. Then he needs to go out and hit some f'ing homeruns. With his cock. We've heard Uncle Lou explode after the game yesterday and that's all well and good. Mr. Quiet and Steady needs to speak up.

2. The Return of El Toro Loco and Dick Hardon

This is the scary one, the one that has Cub fans across the country cringing. If we're going to win, we need these guys. Big Z is our rock, the big anchor in the rotation. Harden is the guy we didn't have last year, the number 2 in the 1-2 punch we'll need if the Cubs reach the playoffs and beyond. Can we win the division without them? Maybe. Can we survive in the post-season? Doubtful. But there is hope. Hope that Zambrano's arm won't fall off after years of excessive pitch counts during the Dusty regime. Hope that he can put this team on his brawny shoulders once again and be Z-Money. As for Harden, I think as long as he continues to get the right amount of rest, he'll be good to go. It's just scary that we have these issues while our offense is sort of slumping. Which brings us to:

3. Aramis Ramirez and Alfonso Soriano

These guys are money. Any way you slice it. Soriano may grow hot and cold, but Rami keeps on plugging. Another 100+ RBI season, ho-hum, for the Ram. And if these were the only guys we were relying on, we'd be screwed, but they're not.

4. Some Other Fucking Guys

Let me take a minute and express some man love for the big Puerto Rican studmuffin I like to call The Soto-Rooter. If this kid doesn't win the Rookie of the Year, I'll touch Henry Blanco's tattooed wang. Geo is not just the best defensive catcher we've had since, well, EVER, but the man rakes too. All these years of watching the Cubs and believing that it was okay if a catcher couldn't hit above .250. No more, baby. I'm ruined for all other catchers.

Mark DeRosa-Mark already has 20 homeruns this year. This might have been Hendry's best signing ever. He plays nearly every position, often better than the regular starter. Mark's putting together a career season while staking his claim to the future by blogging. So he's after OUR jobs too. And he probably does it better. Fucker.

Oh, we could go on and on about Edmonds, Reed Johnson, Ryan Theriot, Ted Lilly, Dempster, etc. That would take too long and I'm already sick of typing. What it boils down to is that this is the most well-rounded team in the NL, maybe in the MLB.

This is a good team, maybe the best Cub team of my lifetime. They're going through a tough spell right now, but I believe it will pass. I know you're scared out there, Cub Nation. I can feel your unease. I know it's easy to think of all the times we've been here before. I know how easy it is to lose hope. I know the sense of DOOM that haunts us all. I've been there.

But there's 18 games left to play. The Cubs have it all in their hands. I'm not gonna say it's over until we're mathematically eliminated. If that happens, let the teeth-gnashing begin. But until then . . .until then, these are my boys. And yours. Go Cubs.