Monday Afternoon Hangover

September 15, 2008 | Comments (0) | by Rich Funk

Back for the 2008 NFL season, it's the Monday Afternoon Hangover. We'll be recapping all the action from this weekend in the NFL, so pop a couple Excedrin and fight off those beer shits as we get things underway.

Tennessee 24
Cincinnati 7
Can we just close the book on Carson Palmer's career now? He's been pretty crappy ever since his kneee blew out against the Steelers in the 2006 playoffs. Sure, Chad Johnson is a distraction and a half, but he's talented. TJ Houshmendenzalahfalxijadeh is a stud as well. There's no reason Palmer shouldn't put up at least 250 yards and 2 touchdowns a game. Who would have thought that after 2 weeks, the most successful USC quarterback in the league would be Matt Cassel?

Buffalo 20
Jacksonville 16
One half of my Super Bowl prediction is 0-2. Granted, the Jags have played against 2 pretty great defenses this season, but they were supposed to be pretty good on D themselves. Any time Kerry Collins can throw a touchdown against you, let alone his first one since 1946, you're no longer a Super Bowl contender unless you hold your next 3 opponents to 3 points or fewer. Next week's game against Indy will be pretty telling.

Oakland 23
Kansas City 8
Continuing the trend of USC failures in the NFL, Justin Fargas got hurt in this game and opened the door for Darren McFizzle (fo' shizzle) to go off for over 100 yards and a touchdown. I'll say it right now...I'd rather have McFadden than Adrian Peterson. Run DMC could be just as good as Purple Jesus if he had the monster offensive line that Minnesota has.

Indianapolis 18
Minnesota 15
Pundits may point the finger at Peyton Manning's injury in the preseason as the reason that the Colts aren't scoring, but I think the absence of Jeff Saturday is a lot more damaging than most people think. Minnesota's got a great front 7, but any time a superb running team like the Colts apparently are only gets Joseph Addai 20 yards on 15 carries, something ain't right. By the way, Minny scored all their points via the field goal. Offensive FAIL.

Carolina 20
Chicago 17
Kyle Orton played better than Jake Delhomme. Forte rushed for more years than Stewart. How did the Bears manage to lose this game again? And how the hell does Mushin Mohammad go to Carolina and play better despite having a worse supporting cast in the receiving corps? Oh Rex.

Green Bay 48
Detroit 25
Green Bay goes from Brett Favre to Aaron Rodgers. San Francisco goes from Montana to Steve Young to Jeff Garcia. How are these teams getting so many productive quarterbacks in succession and the Bears keep trotting out the same Rex Grossman - Kyle Orton - Shane Matthews - Kordell Stewart - Jim Miller - Cade McNown - Danny Wuerffel - types year after year?

NY Giants 41
St. Louis 13
I feel bad for Stephen Jackson. One of the better backs in the league has no offensive line to speak of and a quarterback that doesn't seem skilled or smart enough to run the offense. If I were playing against the Rams, I'd line 10 guys up at the line of scrimmage and put the last guy man to man on Torry Holt. Done and done.

Washington 29
New Orleans 24
Reggie Bush is a prick. Remember in the playoffs in 2007 when the Saints were sticking it to the Bears in the NFC Championship game and Bush taunted Urlacher on his way into the end zone on a long score? Remember how the Bears got pissed and smashed the Saints for the rest of the game? Well Bush did a similar taunt to the Redskins on a punt return for a TD. Same result: Saints lose. When you're one of the top 5, or even top 10 backs in the league, you can showboat a bit. But Reggie, you're just not that good in the NFL. Yes, I'm hating on USC again. They make it too easy. It's a factory of overrated system players that suck at the next level.

Tampa Bay 24
Atlanta 8
Brian Griese wins it for Tampa Bay. There's something shady going on in the Tampa Bay locker room. Jon Gruden says Garcia is too hurt to play. Garcia says he's not hurt at all. And yes, I'll take any opportunity I can get to use "Jeff Garcia" and "shady locker room activity" in the same sentence. That's a joke that could practically write itself.

San Francisco 33
Seattle 30
For no reason whatsoever, I'm delighted with the failure of the Seahawks so far this season.

New England 19
NY Jets 10
This is the Brett Favre that stayed hidden for most of last season for some unknown reason. Now he's back. Even with a monster offensive line, Favre got worked over time and time again. He did set the record for most touchdowns thrown in a career, breaking the old record that was held by Brett Favre. Why is no one reporting this???Brett Favre broke a record! And it used to belong to Brett Favre!!! OMG!!!!

Denver 39
San Diego 38
HA!!!! HA HA HA HA HA!!!!

Arizona 31
Miami 10
The Sultan of Stubble makes Matt Leinart even more of a distant memory. In fact, I've already forgotten about him. If Leinart wants to be even half the quarterback Warner is, he needs to drop the beer bong and pick up the Lord.

Pittsburgh 10
Cleveland 6
One word: BOOOOOOORING!!!!!!!

The Golden Nutcup Team
Wear it with pride fellas!

QB - Jay Cutler, DEN (350 yards, 4 TD, rad haircut)
RB - Darren Sproles, SD (8000 all-purpose yards)
WR - Anquan Boldin, ARI (6 catches, 140 rec yards, 3 TD)
WR - Santana Moss, WAS (7 catches, 164 rec yards, 1 TD)
TE - Tony Scheffler, CAR (6 catches, 64 rec yards, 2 TD)
DEF - Green Bay (2 TD, 3 INT)

The Flaming Bag Team
We'll let you decide what you want to do with them.

QB - Carson Palmer, CIN (16-27, 134 yards, 0 TD, 2 INT)
RB - Larry Johnson, KC (22 yards)
WR - James Thrash, WAS (1 catch, 2 yards)
TE - Alge Crumpler, TEN (2 catches, 16 yards)
DEF - St. Louis (41 points allowed)

Monday Night Pick
Upset Special: Eagles over Cowboys 33-27