Monday Afternoon Hangover: Week 4

September 29, 2008 | Comments (0) | by Rich Funk

Back for the 2008 NFL season, it's the Monday Afternoon Hangover. We'll be recapping all the action from this weekend in the NFL, so pop a couple Excedrin and fight off those beer shits as we get things underway.

Stupid NFL...if you had to pick 5 games this week to bet your life on, you probably would have gotten 3 of them wrong and almost had a heart attack watching the other two. Not that I would actually gamble on a sporting event...

Don't judge me...

Cleveland 20
Cincinnati 12

What a difference a year makes. In Week 2 of 2007, the Browns beat the Bengals 51-45, more like a Big Ten basketball score than a football result. So what did they do for an early-season encore this year? Try to imagine the exact opposite. Carson Palmer didn't even play (Injured? Ineffective? Scientologist?), and his backup Ryan Fitzpatrick led both teams with a whopping 156 yards passing. It was Fitzpatrick's first start since he was with St. Louis in 2005. I was impressed with Fitzpatrick's ability to step in at a moment's notice and play just like he was a member of the 2008 Rams.

Tennessee 30
Minnesota 17

The Titans blast the Vikings, proving that the team with more double consonants in their name shall reign supreme. The game really came down to the receivers on each side of the ball, with Justin Gage/Justin McCareins in for the Titans and Bobby Wade/Bernard Berrian in for the Vikings. Two guys named Justin will always trump two ex-Bears receivers. Hell, two guys named Percy would take any 2 ex-Bears receivers to school.

Kansas City 33
Denver 19

This was one of the games this week that probably lost a lot of people their rent money for next month. Mike Shanahan is now 3-11 in 14 regular-season games at Arrowhead in his career. Fun Fact: the Chiefs are still only 2-12 over their last 14 games going back to last year.

New Orleans 31
San Francisco 17

The Niners and the Saints seem to be different sides of the same coin. Coming into this week, when one of them lost, the other one won. In no week did they both win, and in no week did they both lose. As early as last Monday, I predicted that this pattern would hold for at least another week, and I was right. God, I'm so fucking awesome (Flexes in mirror, hurts self).

Arizona 35
New York Jets 56

How awesome is Kurt Warner? Brett Favre is so in awe of him, he felt that he had to throw 6 touchdowns just to get even the slightest amount of attention from the Bearded Jesus. While Favre may have won the game, Warner beat both Brett and his own teammate Matt Leinart in the war of "Who Wears Stubble Best?"

Green Bay 21
Tampa Bay 30

The Bucs win over the Packers in the Battle of the Bay's. Aaron Rodgers may have separated his shoulder. Tampa Bay quarterback Jeff Garcia offered to let Rodgers use his hands for "anything he needs while he's hurt. Anything." Tampa Bay receiver Michael Clayton had 3 catches for 28 yards. That George Clooney is a good-ass actor.

Atlanta 9
Carolina 29

The Falcons have a strange pattern this season where they'll win a game and immediately follow it up by losing their next game 29-9. I don't really have any joke here. I just thought it was bizarre. In regards to the pattern of 29-9 losses, it's like Morgan Freeman said in the movie Seven: "You can expect more of these."

Houston 27
Jacksonville 30

Maurice Jones-Drew and Fred Taylor, the best two-headed running back in the league, only combined for 57 yards rushing. But a few trick plays and some timely running by David Garrard allowed the Jags to send the Texans packing. The Texans are now 0-3 for the 3rd time in 4 years, challenging the Cardinals for the "Most Cocktease Seasons" crown.

San Diego 28
Oakland 18

Leave it to the Raiders to actually get a surprising 15-0 lead, and then find a way to blow it to one of the most dysfunctional teams in the league. Being able to see the Chargers play every week, I know they're a team that will pretty much give up ("LIGHTS OUT!") if they're trailing after halftime, so Oakland must have really tried hard to blow this one.

Buffalo 31
St. Louis 14

The Rams were actually leading this game for a while, but then Trent Green remembered that it was 2008 and not 2000. The pride of Cedar Rapids chucked a costly INT that was returned for a touchdown and things quickly went the way that they have been going for the Rams for the last 2 years.

Washington 26
Dallas 24

Is it possible that all 4 teams in the NFC East could win 11 games? The Redskins have now won 5 off their last 7 games against the Cowboys. What does this tell us? Mildly racist mascots are the key to beating the top teams in the NFC. Expect the New York Crackers to dominate the conference next season.

Philadelphia 20
Chicago 24

The Bears should play every one of their games on Sunday night. A great win. I just hope this isn't another in the long list of Chicago teams that play great against great competition, and then crap the bed every time they play a shitty team.

The Golden Nutcup Team
Wear it with pride fellas!

QB - Brett Favre, NYJ (289 yards, 6 TD)
RB - Larry Johnson, KC (198 yards rushing, 2 TD)
WR - Mushin Muhammad, CAR (8 catches, 147 rec yards, 1 TD)
WR - Santana Moss, WAS (8 catches, 145 rec yards)
TE - Jason Witten, DAL (7 catches, 90 rec yards, 1 TD)
DEF - Carolina (9 points allowed)

The Flaming Bag Team
Poop on the shoes, man!

QB - Brian Griese, TB (15-30, 149 yards, 1 TD, 3 INT)
RB - Darren McFadden, OAK (20 yards)
WR - Brandon Lloyd, CHI (2 catches, 33 yards)
WR - Andre Johnson, TEX (2 catches, 38 yards)
TE - Tony Scheffler, DEN (1 catch, 26 yards)
DEF - Arizona (56 points allowed)

Monday Night Pick
Ravens over Steelers