TMS Beer Project: Pabst Blue Ribbon

September 10, 2008 | Comments (0) | by Jake the Terrible Cubs Fan

With the name Saloon included in our moniker, one could surmise that we here at TMS like to drinky drinky. One that would make such an assumption would be correct, thereby throwing out the whole, 'when you assume you make an 'ass' out of 'u' and 'me' bullshit. We also like to plagiarize each other. In the same vein as the Wrigleyville Bar Project, we are proud to bring you another installment of the TMS Beer Project. The premise is simple: we review beers. Each rating will feature a variety of scores from 1-10 and comments from the bartender. This is a public service damn it. We don't want you to be the sucker who pays $15 for a six pack of some overrated Belgian cat piss. Now, we all drink massive amounts of beer so we know what we speak of. Each of us seem to have a favorite style of beer though. Will we be reviewing macrobrews like Bud and Coors? Oh you bet your Aunt Susie's ass we will. For purposes of this science experiment, and it is in the name of science, those will be the "control" group. Use them as a base line for when we review lesser known imports and microbrews. Without further ado, I bring you our next beer:

Pabst Blue Ribbon

Brewery: Pabst Brewing Co., USA

Type: American Macro Lager

Receptacle: 12 oz. bottle

Drinkability (1 being Jim Jones' kool-aid, 10 being the nectar of the gods): 8.  I'm sorry, but if you can't handle a basic American macrobrew, then you should probably go back to your Smirnoff Ice and cower in the corner with the rest of the pansies.  The same goes for you light beer wimps as well.  Man up and drink a heavy.  Act like you got a pair!  That being said, PBR is the shit.  It packs a nice well-rounded flavor for a lager which may be deemed too bold by the Bud Light crowd who nurse their watered down swill.

Heartiness (1 being fresh mountain spring water, 10 being a pureed British steak infected with mad cow disease): 4. It's a basic heavy beer, but you can still pound plenty of them without feeling like you just ate two loaves of bread.

Intoxication (1 being your friend's weird pentecostal grandmother high on Jesus, 10 being Boris Yeltsin on a week long bender in the Crimea): 5. Like most American heavy beers, PBR hovers just below the 5.0% mark at 4.74% ABV.  While one or two may not do shit, the immense drinkability and formidable heartiness has led to many booze-soaked incidents, sometimes but not always leading to me dumping beer on Chaim's head.

Celebrities You May See Drinking This Brew: Dennis Hopper, Johnny Knoxville, Evel Kneivel, Chip Wesley, any Single-A ballclub, Sam Elliott.

Affordability ($ being chicklets in Tijuana, $$$$ being diamond encrusted braised lamb shank from a trendy cafe on the Champs d'Elysee): $. The price is part of what makes PBR great.  More often than not it's one of the cheapest 12 packs in the store.  It is not uncommon in these parts to find a 12 pack for anywhere between $5.99 - $7.99.  If it costs more than that the store is jacking the price up on you.  Also PBR on draft is the beer of choice for TMS whenever we hit the Gingerman Tavern.  One of the best bargains in Wrigleyville.

Overall: 7.  What the hell is not to like?*  What other beer can bring together so many walks of life?  From grizzled blue collar workers to Bohemian hipster trash to douchebag frat boys who are being "ironic", PBR is the beer of the people.

And if you're still bitching that it's shit beer, you're either A) one of those light beer/Smirnoff Ice pussies I referred to earlier, or B) one of those pretentious assholes that only drink microbrews and imports.  Look, it's not like I'm talking about Keystone here folks.  PBR does get some love in the beer community.  It won gold at the 2006 World Beer Cup for American-style Premium Lager, beating out 23 other entries.  That same year it also won gold in the same category at the Great American Beer Festival.

And when in doubt, see what founders, the Alström Brothers have to say.

*OK, PBR will give you horrendous beer shits, I will concede that.  Still, it's a small price to pay.  Stock up on Charmin and enjoy.