OJ Simpson's Low Down Dirty Shame

September 16, 2008 | Comments (0) | by Rich Funk

Whaaaaat's crackulatin'?

Shit, son. You'r boy OJ's had a busy few weeks. Turns out the Cubs went on a little slide, and I apologize that The Juice wasn't there to lend any "assistance". But hell, the Brewers kept crappin' their bed too.

But enough about you crackaz. Let's talk about the only Heisman Trophy winner in this conversation. The last time you heard from me, I was wreckin' underage gymnists and swimming the anchor leg in the 2 x 400 Denny's Grand Slam Olympics in China. A lot of crazy shit has happened since then.
  • Once I got back to the States, me and Tommy Buzanis took a weeklong trip to Miami to see how many young, impressionable college girls we could convince to come onboard Tommy's boat and party it up a little. Buzanis, son of a bitch, that dude convinced every student we met that he was a professor of Steaks and The Boss 203 at Miami University. Dude even faked his way into teaching 3 classes a day just by showing up with some shorts on. Miami actually offered him tenure, but he turned it down and said he can't be "tied down for legal reasons". Shit son...I invented that excuse!
  • I stopped by the USC - Ohio State game this weekend. Remember last week when Chris Wells was good to play one day and all the sudden was too hurt to play the next morning? You're welcome. I'm not gonna say that I had anything to do with it, but I'm not not saying that either. That's actually gonna be the title of my next book: "A List Of Things I Didn't Not Really Not Do, But Didn't Not Deny Thinking About Not Doing Them.'
  • Did some acid.
It's been a busy month for The Juice. With the Brewers coming to town, I was ready to meet up with them again as JO Sampson, but it may be a bit hard. Remember that shit I got into last year where some dudes stole some of my football stuff and I might have found some dudes at a wedding to help me get it back at gunpoint? Well I don't, because it never happened. At least, it didn't not not happen. But if it did, bitches better recognize that you don't steal from The Juice.

Anyway, if I did do all that stuff, I don't see what the big deal would have been. But apparently pulling guns on people and getting into some light kidnapping is something people don't find too funny and I'm going back to court. You know what else people don't find funny? Dane Cook.

The police want me in court, but I'm trying everything I can to be in Chicago for the series this week. So far, your boy OJ's been coming through (as if I wouldn't!). Shit was supposed to start yesterday, but they had to delay things because one jury member was "sick". On a totally and completely unrelated note, did you know that rat poison makes people not feel good too? It doesn't just only work on rats! Legit!

I'll see if I can make it down for a few games, and hopefully I can help the Cubs clinch this week. If not, I'll just have to get back to the courtroom and see if I can speed things up. I guess a lot of the dudes I got to help me have already got themselves deals in order to turn your boy OJ in. WTF is that? If you can't go to a random wedding and get 3 dudes at a bar to help you rob and kidnap people at gunpoint that they've never met before, who are you supposed to trust? America's fallin' apart, son. And that's the low down dirty shame.