Child Falls into Well at McCain Home

10:00 AM | Comments (0) | by T.R.

Presidential candidate claims not to have been to that property "in years"

RALEIGH, N.C. - Tragedy was narrowly averted yesterday at the Prescott, Ariz. home of Republican presidential candidate John McCain. Yavapai County sheriff Alan Hendricks has confirmed that a six-year-old male Mexican immigrant, whose name is being withheld due to his status as a minor, fell into an abandoned well on the McCain property. The child's cries were heard by employees of the McCain's, and after a six and a half hour ordeal, he was lifted to safety.

This unfortunate event appears to have been an accident, though one ranch hand, who insisted on not being named, said he watched as the boy ran from the house, screaming. Witnesses state that the child, clearly shaken after being rescued, kept repeating, "¡la bruja blanca me tomó de mi familia!" while being whisked away in an ambulance.

Questions have naturally arisen as to why the boy, who had no family members with him at the McCain home, was there in the first place. Another McCain employee, again requesting anonymity, stated that Mrs. McCain had returned from a spontaneous trip to Mexico the previous night. The employee added in a fairly sarcastic tone that "...it wouldn't be surprising if the McCain's were adding to their brood".

A Prescott General Hospital spokeswoman said that the child was doing well, having suffered only scrapes and bruises. She added, however, that due to the boy's illegal status, he would be returned to Mexico in two days. Authorities have connected with an uncle who has agreed to take the boy in.

The house where the incident occurred sits on sixteen acres just south of Prescott, and is one of the seven properties that McCain staffers have verified the senior senator and his wife own.

McCain was in Raleigh this morning on a campaign stop. Addressing the media's questions concerning the events that had transpired, Mr. McCain claimed to know nothing of the incident, adding that he did not think he had been to that particular home "in years". He then added, "What does this have to do with earmarks?"

Weighing in on the situation was McCain's running mate, Alaska governor Sarah Palin. Holding her first press conference of the campaign in Sarasota, Fla., the vice presidential candidate expressed her deepest sympathies for the child, whom she claimed unwittingly spoke in tongues after being safely extracted from the well. When informed by a reporter that the child was not speaking in tongues, but merely Spanish, Palin decried the "liberal witch hunt" against people of faith, and enforced that the United States in a "...Palin-McCain administration would retaliate against our Latin American enemies such as Spain, if necessary". She then declared her intention to file papers in Alaska to adopt the Mexican child, at which point Steve Schmidt, chief strategist of the McCain campaign, covered Palin's mouth with a dirty rag soaked in ether and abruptly ended the conference.

Conservative talk show host Rush Limbaugh also took the opportunity to stake his claim in the matter, chastising Mexican officials by saying, "The problem lies in the incompetence of the stupid Mexican government. They cannot foster a stable economy, and until they do so, their citizens will continue jumping our border to find honest work to support their families."

Just hours after Mr. Limbaugh's show was broadcast on national airwaves, the Obama campaign released a new television ad which attempted to tie the immigration policies of John McCain to the controversial stances commonly attributed to Limbaugh. In the ad, a black and white photo of McCain shaking hands with Limbaugh at a fundraiser is shown, while the parsed out quotes "...stupid Mexican..." and "...jumping our border..." are displayed underneath.

Republican groups and the McCain campaign moved swiftly to denounce the ad. Reached for comment at a Bank of America branch in downtown Chicago this afternoon, Barack Obama reinforced his position and was quoted as saying, "...the issue clearly shows that John McCain and the Republican establishment are out of touch with middle class America". Mr. Obama then proceeded to cash a check for six million dollars which was presented to him at an exclusive dinner in Beverly Hills over the weekend.

The McCain camp released a statement shortly thereafter, sending best wishes to the child and extending an offer for him to return to the United States when his back is a little stronger and he can lift fifty pounds. Within that statement, Cindy McCain assured the media and potential voters that she did not know how the child ended up on the McCain property, and insisted that she has the proper paperwork for all of her children.

Neither Elián González nor Baby Jessica could be reached for comment.

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