Celebrity NFL Picks Week 4 with John Mark Karr

September 25, 2008 | Comments (1) | by Governor X

The 2008 NFL season is finally upon us and in the tradition of the Wrigley 7th inning stretch, TMS will bring in B-list celebrities none of you have heard of to provide NFL picks. Sarah Palin went 11-5 last week, bringing our celebrities to a total of 29-18 on the year. Curious as to how he might improve his record going forward, Week 2's Bono met with Week 3's Sarah Palin to discuss her strategy. Huell Howser was not present, but we can assume he is amazed. This week, the guy who lied about killing Jon Benet Ramsey to get a free ticket back to the states, John Mark Karr, does the picks.

Gentlemen...thanks for having me. I've long been a football fan so its a real honor to pick these games. I'm also a fan of ice creamy treats. Also, I am required to inform you that in spite of the fact he isn't playing this week, Peyton Manning is a douche.

Cleveland at Cincinnati
Toilet Bowl 2008. Can we finally put Carson Palmer in his rightful place with other esteemed Pac-10 quarterbacks like Akili Smith and Cade McNown?

Pick: Bengals 6 Browns 3

Houston at Jacksonville
Picking Houston to do something this year was almost as trendy as confessing to a murder you didn't commit or the stylish high-waist slacks I enjoy. Throw them in the shitter with the Browns and Bengals. The Texans, not my slacks.

Pick: Jags 28 Texans 9

Atlanta at Carolina
Jake Delhomme is a little too creepy even for my taste. You can just tell by his prominent brow that he's a man who likes things not spoken of in polite society. Now, keep in mind, I'm willing to discuss murder in polite society, so you know where my standards lie. You didn't hear it from me, but others have hinted at snuff porn. I can neither confirm nor deny this, but all that said, the Panthers will probably win this one.

Pick: Panthers 23 Falcons 17

Denver at Kansas City
My god...Jay Cutler looks so young. Like he's 15 or 16. I...uh..would you excuse me for a few minutes?

Pick: Broncos 42 Chiefs 13

San Francisco at New Orleans
WHEW! OK, I'm back. The '9ers have been surprisingly strong this year, but playing the Seahags and Lions doesn't impress John Mark Karr. New Orleans traditionally plays well when their city is hit by a hurricane.

Pick: Saints 30 49ers 21

Arizona at NY Jets
Kurt Warner wears number 13. Incidentally, that's how old my first wife was when I married her.

Pick: Cardinals 38 Jets 31

Green Bay at Tampa Bay
Have you ever been to the Tampa area? The entire region smells like a block of moldy Velveeta "cheese". I have no regard for that product anymore. Its let me down one too many times.

Pick: Packers 27 Bucs 20

Minnesota at Tennessee
Vince Young is about three weeks from moving to Thailand for undisclosed reasons. Trust me, I know these things. Who the devil is their quarterback anyway? Oh yes, Kerry Collins. Didn't he rape someone? We all make mistakes...

Pick: Titans 31 Vikings 17

San Diego at Oakland
Al Davis has quite possibly the best fashion sense of any man I've ever known, save for Raul.

Pick: Chargers 35 Raiders 20

Buffalo at St. Louis
I think Jon Benet was still alive the last time the Rams were any good. Can you believe they're already talking about moving again? Just change their name to the Carpetbaggers! LOLZ!

Pick: Buffalo 56 Rams 9

Washington at Dallas
Why is Dallas America's team? I hate those guys. Tony Romo makes me want to stick my dick in a vice. And can Jerry Jones please promise to stop getting face lifts? You're never going to have the supple skin of a pre-teen again, so why try?

Pick: Cowboys 34 Redskins 18

Philadelphia at Chicago
The Bears should be a lot worse than they are. I really have no explanation for this. Kyle Orton couldn't throw a birthday party for a 2 year old.

Pick: Eagles 17 Bears 10

Baltimore at Pittsburgh
The TMS guys told me that the other three folks they asked to pick games always struggled coming up with comments about the Steelers. Add me to that list. They're the most wretchedly boring thing since buying socks at a Sears outlet store on the interstate. Can you imagine how boring that makes them? God I love feet though.

Pick: Steelers 16 Ravens 8

This woman clearly has low self esteem.


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