2009 NFL Draft Drunkblog

April 25, 2009 | Comments (0) | by Chaim Witz

Ah, the NFL Draft. So much speculation and drama. And hair. Lots of hair. While I won't be bringing sexy back today, I will be bringing some TMS nostalgia back in the form of a Drunkblog. Odds are I'll only do this for the first round, but only beer will tell. I'll try to remember, even after numerous drinks, that brevity is my friend. God help us all.

My drink of choice: Goose Island Summer Ale. My teams of choice: The Chicago Bears and Arizona Cardinals. Brant Brown's fetish nationality of choice: Asian.

Lots of questions remain today. Will Anquan Boldin be traded? Who will land Mark Sanchez? Will Keyshawn Johnson pontificate? Will Todd McShay and Mel Kiper get into a shirtless knife fight? Stay tuned, as I'll recap all the highlights in an increasingly inebriated state. Expect lots of doldrums and offensive tackles you've never heard of. Let the games begin.

Round 1

3:05 - The Lions select Matthew Stafford, QB. We knew this already though. This is so anti-climatic. I should just shut it off now. Stafford looks like he could potentially develop a weight problem. Will he bust? Who can say. My best guess is that his career turns out to be some sort of Rodney Peete/Chuck Long hybrid. Wrap your mind around that.

3:11 - If the Rams have any balls they'll take Sanchez. I bet they take a tackle instead.

3:15 - Yep. Jason Smith, OT goes to the Rams. Wusses. Mark Bulger is lame. As a Cardinals fan though, this pleases me. In other news, big thumbs up to the Goose Island Summer Ale. I'll have to do a beer project on this stuff.

3:33 - After the Chiefs draft someone irrelevant, the Seahags take Aaron Curry, LB. He's bawling like a baby. Probaby at the thought that he might turn out like his brother, Eddie.

3:36 - Whoa, Chris Mortensen seems drunk. Is he Drunkblogging this for ESPN.com?

3:38 - The Browns trade their pick to the Jets, who take Mark 'Dirty' Sanchez. That was a blockbuster, though not wholly unexpected. Sanchez recalls a young Broadway Joe, so this seems appropriate. Will he inherit Broadway Joe's drinking problem later in life? Time will tell, but the smart money is on 'yes'.

3:48 - Where in God's name is Todd McShay? Did Kiper bludgeon him to death with his draft guide and then stuff his corpse into the trunk of Chris Berman's Buick LeSabre? I have a feeling that only Mark Sanchez knows the answer to that.

3:50 - Ha, the Bengals of course, select Andre Smith OT. It should be noted that Smith is highly regarded as the prospect most likely to bust. Fitting that he'd go to the Bengals.

3:55 - Remember this epic Drunkblog? Lingering Bursitis sure doesn't. And this is only one part of four!

3:57 - The Raiders pull an upset and pick Darrius Heyward-Bey, WR. This guy wasn't even on Kiper's Top 5 WR. But he's really fast! They passed on Crabtree for this guy? Al Davis? Jackass.

4:22 - Michael Crabtree, WR, falls all the way to the Niners at #10. This guy looks like he'll be good, but can he dance like Jerry Rice? If not, this is a questionable pick.

4:34 - My dreams of seeing Knowshon Moreno in a Cards uniform are shattered as he's picked by the Broncos. The Broncos now own the rights to 2/3 of the league's running backs. John Elway? Buck teeth.

Heeheehee. No you say it first. No you. Please. Ok. I love you. Oh my God, you have to say it back now.

4:41 - Unrelated to this draft, the Cubs are falling apart before our eyes and my fantasy team is underachieving. Things are reaching Oakland Raider-esque ineptitude. Or as "Boom" says, "the Raaaaidaaaahs." F that guy. Lose some weight you portly SOB!

4:55 - The Chargers took Larry English, DE. This was a guy I liked for the Cardinals. Dammit all to hell. Hopefully the Cards get that Donald Brown guy. What the french happened to the Bears? Oh yeah, they got that Cutler kid. This draft is loooooooonnnngggg. My other draft party is a Tommy Buzanis boat party.

5:13 - The Eagles draft Jeremy Maclin, taking a Boldin destination off the board. Have fun catching short-armed balls from Donovan!

5:16 - Todd McShay has been relegated to the kids table with Herm Edwards and Trey Wingo. His anger is apparent, as are his frat boy good looks. Todd McShay + Kirk Herbstreit = date rape and chest bumps.

5:06 - The Broncos just picked Robert Ayers, DE. So far as we know, he's no relation to Bill. We hope to confirm this shortly.

I'm Mel Kiper Jr! I eat my steak well done! My father won't return my calls!

5:28 - The Vikings take Percy Harvin, WR and troublemaker. If he acts up, expect coach Brad Childress to give him a good mustache rub!

5:50 - Mel Kiper took a bathroom break, looked in the mirror and hated what he saw.

5:59 - The Patriots trade down for the second time. Bill Belichick is up to something, and it probably isn't legal.

6:06 - Fuck. The Colts got that Donald Brown bastard. At this point, the Cardinals should just shoot for Thurman Thomas. Interest: waning. Buzz: Moderate but unspectacular. Where is Campbell Brown when you need her?

6:08 - Back to the Cubs for a minute. Milton Bradley, A-Ram and Marmol were all officially diagnosed with AIDS. Again, where is Campbell Brown when you need her?

6:18 - Cards are on the clock. Is it Beanie Wells (a stud, but high bust potential), that stud Hawaiian LB from USC or this Everette Brown cat from FSU?

6:28 - It's Beanie Baby Wells from Ohio State. Talk about high risk, high reward. If he stays healthy, he's the best RB in the draft. First up: Getting a nickname less gay than "Beanie".

6:49 - Oh my God, Round 2 and I'm still here. Bea Arthur? Not here (on Earth that is). No joke, sometimes when I sign up for shit, I pick Bea Arthur as my Username. Bea, I think I speak for America when I say, thank you for being a friend.

7:13 - Good Lord. There is nothing really worth mentioning at this point. The Draft is too long and I'm getting tired and hungry. Time to bring in a relief pitcher, alas, I think I'm the only one left that actually writes for the site. Thus, with my last pick, I pick Bea Arthur, University of Hotness.