Bring Out the Gist: Game 1

April 06, 2009 | Comments (0) | by Chaim Witz

It's back and it figures to be underwhelming as ever. The Gist.

Boys in Blue 4, Elderly Wildlife Hunters 2

The game got off to a bang, with Soriano hitting a donkey punch. God 1, Satan 0. Then in the second inning...WHAMMY! A newly svelte Aramis Ramierez hit a bomb and had sex with Roy Oswalt's mother as he rounded the bases. Good 2, Evil 0.

Meanwhile a not so svelte Fat Z was mowing em down like it was 04'. (In high pitched sing song voice) Fatty Z! 6IP, 1R, 6K, 0 temper tantrums.

For good measure, Ryan Theriot sac flied his brother in Cajun arms, Michael Fontenot to make it 3-0 and then Micah Hoffpauir made a cameo appearance, stroking an RBI single. Stroke this Astros. Some dude that wasn't Kerry Wood came in and nailed it down in the ninth. Gave up a run, but that's ok. At least he didn't fuck it all up like the Cardinals closer did. What a bunch of jackasses the Cardinals are huh? But that's for another day.

Cubs win, Milton Bradley doesn't get hurt (almost), America wins.

Bring out the Gist
The Gist is sleeping.
Well I guess you're gonna have to wake him up now, aren't you?