TMS MLB Preview 09: The New York Yankees

April 03, 2009 | Comments (0) | by Anonymous

Man, fuck this team

OF Bobby Abreu, 1B Jason Giambi, C Chad Moeller, P Mike Mussina (retired), P Carl Pavano, P Sidney Ponson, C Ivan Rodriguez

SS Angel Berroa, P A.J. Burnett, C Kevin Cash, P Jason Johnson, P CC Sabathia, 1B Mark Teixeira

1. Johnny Damon LF
2. Derek Jeter SS
3. Mark Teixeira 1B
4. Hideki Matsui DH
5. Xavier Nady RF
6. Jorge Posada C
7. Robinson Cano 2B
8. Cody Ransom 3B
9. Brett Gardner CF

Starting Rotation - CC Sabathia, A.J. Burnett, Chien-Ming Wang, Joba Chamberlain, Andy Pettitte
Setup - Alfredo Aceves, Damaso Marte
Closer - Mariano Rivera

The Yankees of 2009 are a lot different from the Yankees of 2008, in that they're now free of at least 3 guys who did steroids. While that sudden decline in "Cheaters on Roster" would be a glorious achievement for most teams, the Yanks still have the worst one on their books, and he's collecting more money than anyone else in the game.

Oh, Alex Rodriguez. This is a guy with worse image problems than Michael Jackson. On a squad of unlikeable, talent-laden douchebags, he's way out in front of the crowd on all counts. And it really, really, really pisses me the fuck off. A-Rod will rehab his injury until May, and his Yankees, swollen with money and pinstriped arrogance, will be just fine without him. Why? Because they've bought any Free Agent that could have possibly tripped them up.

Pitching? Sure, bring in CC Sabathia and AJ Burnett to complement the boring Asian, the fat Nebraskan, and Clemens' personal ass-licker. Trouble on offense? No worries. Dumb the mustached Oakland retard, the guy who made tearful steroid confessions en vogue for players past and present, and replace him with the shiny, bland 1B from Los Angeles. Yeah, that Mr. Clean was so irritating during his press conference, dazzling the slackjawed New York media with his homespun tale of family decision-making. Apparently, he let his wife pick the team for him, and not surprisingly, like any smart woman with an angle to play, she chooses the team willing to dump the most money in his pockets.

It's no surprise; the bloated, decrepit corpse that used to be George Steinbrenner has done well spending his pension checks this off-season. For a team with no holes to begin with, they look stronger than ever, and they have the dollar sign to thank for it.

Fuck you, New York Yankees.

You stole a fuckton of money from the city to pay for your shiny new overpriced Guido shrine in the South Bronx, soon to be filled with loudmouthed Wops paying 9 bucks for a 9oz Miller Lite (smaller bottles so they don't beat their wives too hard when A-Rod goes 0-4 with RISP) and some sort of Hard Rock Cafe.

You took money from them to pay for your arrogance, and then in the midst of a crumbling economy, you commit to spending close to $430 million on three fucking players, one of whom is so obese, he could play O-Line in the SEC. CC Sabathia is a walking ad for Type 2 Diabetes, but at least he has millions to pay for his medicine, and so does dying George, wasting away in his skybox that grazes the southern rings of Jupiter, while his fat, square-jawed, retard son continues to seek counsel from his double-chin in all things evil and morally reprehensible.

Mr. Sexy Time: fuck this shit.
I'm not picking one of these guys as some testament to America's Pastime. They're all idiots for buying into the evil empire, everything that's passe and irritating about America boiled down into one team with its own TV network and a retarded policy against facial hair. I guess if forced to pick someone, I'd go with Cody Ransom. Why? Because he's young and new to this satanism, so there's still hope of his salvation. Plus I saw him hit a 3-run HR against the Cubs tonight, so he's obviously a good fit to replace A-Rod in the lineup until that cheating, lying doublecunt returns to full fitness. Of course, as the Yankees are prone to do, they'll dump poor, hard-working Ransom down to AA until he learns to respect his fucking elders. That's what NYY is good for, and fuck 'em for it.

Fuck This Guy Especially: Joba Chamberlain
Another testament to the remarkable depths of humanity. A loud redneck with a good fastball and a damn good lawyer.

Triple Fuck This Guy With Satan's Barbed Cock: Derek Jeter
Mr. America, Mr. September, whatever the fuck you call him, he's about as culturally relevant as David Letterman. I wish his numbers would drop off and Hank would get so angry that he'd bench the fucker. It's irrational, sure, but the composite man known as Jeet is fucking loathesome to me. The 10-dollar smile, the retired golf pro hairstyle, the swagger, the endorsements from Gillett (ps. move the razor sideways next time, you fuck), the whole apple pie and high-five bullshit you adopt as the leader of this wretched cabal. You're a fucking prick, and I wish I could say that to your face. In the meantime, I hope you sprain your knee or something.

I hate this team. I hate what they do, I hate what they stand for, and I hate what they do to baseball. They almost made me stop paying attention to the sport, but I'll persevere, because I want the Yankees to lose at even that modest task this season.

I hope this team wins fuck-all and spends all Winter bitching and moaning at one another. Oh, and Robinson Cano? I know you shot something during your big sophomore season. You drop from hitting .342 and slugging .525 to .271/.410 in just two years? Get the fuck out, buddy. Your time will come too. Meanwhile, continue to wipe A-Rod's tears at the dissolution of his marriage, his laughable obsession with Maradona, and his generally dislikeable demeanor.

Fuck all of you and your entire fucking team. Except Cody Ransom. He seems like a stand-up guy.