Fernando's Musings From the Taqueria

April 13, 2009 | Comments (0) | by Chaim Witz

Opening Week

Wet Fart of the Week: The Washington Nationals - Nobody expected this group of Senators and Congressmen from our nation's capital to be any good, but it looks like they may be epically, historically bad. Like, Senator Larry Craig bad. 0-6 with an angry Elijah Dukes spells trouble. Actually that spells 'murder u bitch'.

Fantasy Sleeper Makes Good: Adam Lind, Blue Jays - I had both him and Travis Snider on my fantasy draft cheat sheets, but since I couldn't tell them apart, I just wrote Travis Snider/Adam Lind/Adam Snider? I ended up drafting neither. After hitting 3 HR and driving in 12 runs Opening Week, my best guess is that Lind is the good one.

Fantasy Sleeper Gone to Pot: Joltin' Jed Lowrie, Red Sox - Because of the name on the front of his jersey, he became a trendy late sleeper. Alas, he never woke up, going 1-18 with a bunch of zeroes. By making the surly and surely drunk Boston fans pine for the days of Julio Lugo, he has surely put the well-being of his family at risk. His wife's name is Shirley*.

Not Even Jesus Would Have Caught That Part II: Reed Johnson - Last year in this column we detailed the glove exploits of Reed 'The Pride of Riverside' Johnson. Last night, he did it again, providing the catch of year while robbing Cecil Fielder's fat son of a grand salami. Watch it here on YouTube before it gets pulled. NSFW, as it will probably make you start jacking off.

Not Since St. Elmo's Fire Has an Emilio Taken the World By Storm Like This: Emilio Bonafacio, Marlins - This foreign sparkplug lit the baseball world on fire Opening Week to the tune of a .500 AVG, 9R and 4SB. Part Tuffy Rhodes, part youthful Omar Vizquel, and part cyborg, look for Emilio to eventually cool off, but not before he passes Estevez in fame, stature and women banged.

Rotation Most Likely to Have Sex With Your Mother While Working as Her Poolboy: Florida Marlins - These guys hold the keys to the NL East. Ricky Nolasco's stuff makes Cubs fans weep at what could have been. Josh Johnson recalled the Janet Jackson ditty "Nasty" last week, with a complete game 5 hitter to his credit. Chris Volstad is a stud in the making, Anibal Sanchez is only a year removed from his great rookie season (remember that no-hitter?) and Andrew Miller reeks of post-hype sleeper. If they all hold up, we could be looking at this year's Rays.

Sophomore Slumbuster: Evan Longoria, Rays - 5 donkey punches and 10 RBI. The David Wright-3B-Mancrush Torch may have officially been passed.

Give These Guys a Greasy Taco:

Nick Swisher, Yankees - 8/17, 2HR, 9RBI
Miguel Cabrera, Tigers - .586 OBP, 3 HR, 10RBI
Chone Figgins, Angels - .500 OBP, 7R, 5SB
Kyle Lohse, Cardinals - 2W, 1.12 ERA, 0.56 WHIP
Johan Santana, Mets - 1W, 20K, 0.71 ERA
Josh Johnson, Marlins - 2W, CG, 0.57 ERA
Heath Bell, Padres - 3SV, 0.00 ERA, 1.12 WHIP
Ryan Theriot, Cubs: .550 AVG, 4R, 2SB

Give These Guys a Taco Filled with Cilantro:

Jason Kendall, Brewers- 0-15, 1RBI, 1R
Tim Lincecum, Giants- 0W, 7.56 ERA, 2.40 WHIP
Brandon Webb, D-Backs- 13.50 ERA, DL Stint
Cole Hamels, Phillies- 17.18 ERA, 3.27 WHIP, 0 W
Jimmy Rollins, Phillies- .107 AVG, 1RBI, 0SB
Derek Lee, Cubs- 2-25, 1R, 4RBI
Lastings Milledge, Nationals- .158 AVG, 1R, 0RBI

*Rampant speculation