Fernando's Musings From the Taqueria

June 22, 2009 | Comments (0) | by Chaim Witz

June 15th - June 21st

Wet Fart of the Week: Alexander Emmanuel Rodriguez - A-Rod and his .213 average were benched for consecutive games citing 'fatigue' (see: steroid withdrawal) from his prior injury. Then manager Joe Girardi, who really needs to let that hair grow out a little bit, announced that Madonna's cougar hunter would be given at least one day off every week leading up the All Star Break. Maybe now Alex will finally have the time to take in Rock of Ages or Shrek the Musical and catch up on some light reading.

Fantasy Sleeper Makes Good: Kevin Slowey, Twins - To the common man the Minnesota Twins rotation appears to be a giant mass of indistinguishable white guy, with a side of Liriano. Yet savvy players know that Kevin Slowey is the one that you want. He's off to a 10-2 start this year with an ERA and WHIP that are likely to go down as well, based on his aversion to walks, which is as exaggerated as The Hundley's aversion to foreigners.

Fantasy Sleeper Gone to Pot: Crash Davis, Rangers - Davis was consistently rated amongst the Top 10 1B in the game this preseason, his hype even exceeding fellow teammate Nelson Cruz. While Cruz has proven to be the real deal, Chris Davis has been one of the biggest disappointments of the year so far, striking out 101 times in 222 at bats and failing to even reach the Mendoza Line (.194). With blue chipper Justin Smoak looming on the horizon for the Rangers, Davis has to be sweating like Marlon Brando at a Ryan's Steakhouse.

Zorba the Ray: Ben Zobrist - Zobrist seems to have a cult following that can only be described as both 'extremely sexual' and 'painfully disconcerting', but to be fair, he's earned it. With 15 donkey slaps, 42 RBI and a 1.044 OPS in only 191 ABs, while playing nearly every position on the diamond, Zobrist has become Mark DeRosa 2.0. Zorilla has still got a ways to go before he catches DeRosa in the groupie category, but he's still young and virile.

They Call Him The Machine. The Steroid Vending Machine: Albert Pujols, Cardinals - Sure, it's all heresy and speculation (get used to it, that's the era we live in), but I'd love for a Cardinals fan to make a convincing argument to me that Albert Pujols is not on roids. Is it fair for me to assume such a thing without evidence? Oh God no. But for years everyone knew that Sammy was juicing, even before the recent evidence came to light. I mean look at the guy. Look at his numbers. Unreal. Of course, I hate the Cardinals and Pujols with every scrawny, underdeveloped bone in my body, but still...some guys you just know. In a court of law you're innocent until proven guilty, but in this era of abusers, when you look like this and hit like this, it's pretty much the other way around, fair or not.

Rockies in 6!
Colorado Rockies - Somebody break up the Rockies! Under new manager Jim Tracy, the God Squad have reeled off 16 wins in their last 17 games, which included a streak of 11 games in a row, thrusting themselves (not in a sexual way mind you) right back into the playoff picture. Let by the hitting of the incorrigible Clint Barmes and the rejuvenated goatee of Todd Helton, the Rockies have taken a small portion of Northern Colorado (the bored section) by storm. Even Jason Marquis hasn't been exempt from God's fairy dust, racking up 9 wins despite being Jewish. Expect this surge to be relatively short lived though, because as we've seen with the Cubs, karma catches up to those who deny the fate of Thunder Matt Murton.

Give These Guys a Greasy Taco:

Nate McLouth, Braves - .417 OBP, 2HR, 7RBI
Andrew McCutchen, Pirates - 10/29, 3 3B, 6 RBI
Albert Pujols, Cardinals - .522 OBP, 4HR, 11 RBI
Prince Fielder, Brewers - 9/23, 2HR, 11 RBI
Miguel Cabrera, Tigers - 11/24, 3HR, 9R
Juan Rivera, Angels - 8/23, 2 HR, 5 RBI
Clayton Kershaw, Dodgers - 12.2 IP, 13K, 0.00 ERA
Felix Hernandez, Mairners - 16.1IP, 14K, .086 WHIP
Derek Lee, Cubs - 8/22, 4 HR, 9 RBI

Give These Guys a Taco Filled with Cilantro:

Ryan Madson, Phillies- 3IP, 2 BS, 15.00 ERA
Kerry Wood, Indians - 11.57 ERA, 2.17 WHIP, Cubs MVP
Ryan Zimmerman, Nationals- 4/28, OHR, 1 RBI
Stephen Drew, Diamondbacks - .148 OBP, OHR, 0SB
Trevor Hoffman, Dodgers - 10.80 ERA, 0K, 2.40 WHIP
Chris Davis, Rangers - 1/20, .050 OBP, more strikeouts than Dave Thomas on a Friday night