OJ Simpson's Low Down Dirty Shame

June 26, 2009 | Comments (0) | by Rich Funk

Whaaaaaaaat's crackulatin'?

What's that? You thought that you wound't be hearin' from your ol' boy OJ just because I'm on an extended vay-cay in the slammer? Shit, son...I ain't never been in a situation I couldn't buy my way out of, talk my way out of, or stab to death.

So here I am in sweet ol' Chicago. I've been spending my time walking around into fancy restaurants and picking up people's checks. I don't mean I'm paying for them, dumbshit! The Juice is a bit low on funds right now so I gotta keep my spending down to the barest of essentials: imported hardcore German skin mags, Ten High and PCP. Oh shits yeah is there PCP.

But really, when I say "picking up people's checks" I really mean that I'm picking them up. I heard that Johnny Depp left some waiter a $4,000 tip last week at a restaurant near here. Fucks yes, that's what OJ's talkin' about! I'm hopin' that I can sneak up and steal a tip like that from a table before the waiter gets there. And if I run into Johnny Depp, even better! If that dude tips four large for a steak, imagine what he might tip The Juice for a BJ! I call my specialty the OJ/BJ. What's the difference between an OJ/BJ and a regular BJ? Two things - about $30 and also my thumb is gonna be two knuckles deep up someone's asshole the whole time. But whose browneye will it be? The answer may surprise you! Legit!

Aw shit, did I forget to tell you how I ain't in jail anymore? Sorry...that's the PCP. It turns out that they locked up the wrong dude! This whole time, they was lookin' for some guy named OJ Simpson to lock up. But guess what? I'm the one and only JO Sampson! I can see why they mixed me and OJ up since we're both such suave and sexycoolmotherfuckers, but once they realized that they had the wrong dude in custody, they let me go. Fuck you if you don't believe that's how it went down! And if you hear anything over the next few days about a "jailbreak in Nevada involving explosives, masked men and guards being incapacitated and sodomized" you know that it's probably some shit that Perez Hilton made up.

(On a side note, you may have heard that Perez Hilton had a few insulting names for will.i.am earlier in the week, which OJ does not approve of. Luckily, I can call Perez Hilton the most hurtful and demeaning word that I can think of: white.)

Aw fuck! Have I really been referring to myself as OJ this whole time? Just forget about all that because I ain't OJ. I'm JO (heh heh...JO! That never gets old. Crab meat and model trains, bitch!). What the fuck you mean 'Who are you talking to?' I already told you I've been doin' tons of PCP all week! Don't you listen to any of the knowledge I'm droppin' on your ass?

Look, the point is that I heard the Saloon is back open and that they boys need my help. Fuck me, the Cubs got swept by fuckin' Detroit? Those motherfucks couldn't buy a win right now! No seriously, they don't have any money! How the hell do you lose to Detroit? November 25, 1976...I ran all over those bitches for 273 yards and 2 scores! AND I had the runs at the time from doin' too much coke the night before! Let's check the OJ meter to see how high that kind of performance scores:

Five out of five! Double legit!

Nah, what the Cubs need right now is that killer edge. They need someone wreckin' fools and buttsexin' minors...I mean...leading them to victory! If only there was some young, good lookin' stud who could be cold as ice on the field but warm as a Towering Inferno in the sack that could up their chances of winning by infiltrating the Sox clubhouse for the next few days and evening things out a bit. If only JO Sampson was around and was a free agent.

Wait! I'm JO Sampson (fuckin' *wink wink*)! I'm definitely not OJ Simpson.

Shit son, I'll see what I can do. As much as I hate going back to any place called "The Cell" because it reminds me of prison, I'll do whatever I can to get the Cubs to the promised land! Maybe that'll cheer me up after losing two of my friends yesterday. I remember back in the 70's, me and Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett and Buzanis used to hang out on the Oriface Penetrator. Buzanis used to try and hook up with Farrah, but she'd always punch him in the balls. She sure was a feisty one. MJ and I used to crack up every time. I dedicate my sabotage of the Sox this weekend to both fo them and Buzanis' shattered left nut. Now that's the low down dirty shame.