The Mustache Diaries - Day 1

January 01, 2008 | Comments (0) | by Chaim Witz

I am nearly 30 years old. My accomplishments are few and far between. I have no discernible talents to speak of and have trouble with both manual labor and long division. My frame is slight, having not lifted weights since the Taft administration and I lack the common sense to complete most simple tasks. If I were to die tomorrow, my tombstone would probably read 'Eh' or 'I guess he was pretty good at Trivia Pursuit: Pop Culture Edition'.

Thus, I awoke today, in 2008, sat straight up in bed, and punching my cat exclaimed, "I'm gonna be somebody!" My wife then shushed me and I proceeded to go back to bed and sleep until noon.

But then I woke up and still had this feeling that I could not shake. How can I make my mark on society? How do I want to be remembered? How can I gain the respect of my fellow man and the sexual lust of women everywhere? Gazing at the framed 8x10" glossy headshot of Tom Selleck on my nightstand, it suddenly dawned on me.* I will grow a mustache.

Think of all of the great men that have sported a stache' throughout history. Ghandi. Albert Einstein. Michael Jordan. Alex Trebek. Hulk Hogan. Jake Gyllenhaal. The list goes on.

Thus, I begin my journey and will chronicle it here on the site. The one glaring roadblock that I foresee is my borderline horrific lack of testosterone. Can I overcome this and grow something more than a glorified peach fuzz semi-circle? Doubtful. But dammit I can try. Things might get hairy! (Ba dum bum!)

*It was mere coincidence that the idea came to me while gazing the Tom Selleck photo, as that is how I normally start most days.


Comments: I had just shaved yesterday, so this amounts to little more than peachfuzz. I left some on my chin as well just because I seem to grow hair better there. Fear not, I will shave the chin stubble when (rather, 'if') the stache becomes more apparent. This gives me the option of going with the fu-manchu, or 'Village People' look. I already have the assless chaps, so half of that battle is already won.