Recap Of Love: II

January 24, 2008 | Comments (0) | by Rich Funk

Rock of Love is back. I am not impressed.

Because of this, the recap of the first 2 episodes is going to be just like the women in this season: Quick and dirty.

I can't tell if it's because I'll always have a soft spot in my heart for the initial group of tramps from season 1 or if this new season is too new for me to have any kind of connection, but I'm just not feeling it so far. Through 2 episodes, all of the girls sort of blur together into a single mass of silicone, collagen, nappy hair extensions and cheap tequila. I suspect this is how Bret sees them as well. After this coming week's episode I'll probably spend a little more time breaking down the individual girls, but for now, I just want to push through the first 2 episodes to get this over with.

The show started off just like last year. All of the girls were standing outside of the Rock of Love house, waiting for Bret to show up on some kind of sports car/motorcycle/Segway. They go through the girls to get their initial thoughts on the show and on their obsessions with Bret Michaels.

Now last year, there were a few girls that I would say were pretty attractive, some that were moderately not-ugly, and only a few that we refer to around the Saloon as "Two Baggers". All the girls this season? Minimum 4-Baggers. You would pass out before getting close to being drunk enough to make out with any of these girls.

So just like the opener of last season, Bret picks 4 girls to stay behind while the rest go into the house to party. But instead of sending them home, Bret...ALLOWS THEM TO STAY AS HIS "VIP'S"!!1! OMG!!!

(Anyone who didn't see that coming is still smarter than these girls)

I think the reason these girls suck so much is because all they're going to do is try to out-whore the ones from the first season. All of these girls saw the original Rock of Love ladies and said "Well I could be sluttier than that!" Unfortunately, they all apparently lived at the top of ugly trees and hit every branch on the way down. Then they realized they forgot their slutty clothes at the top, climbed up to get them, and fell and hit every branch on the way down yet again.

The rest of the first two episodes of this young season went by slowly. Here are some highlights:

1. One of the girls had so much plastic surgery on herself that Bret referred to her as "a trailblazer, like Lewis and Clark." Yes, the Lewis and Clark that you're thinking of.
2. One of the girls made Bret chocolate pudding and rubbed it all over herself during a peep-show challenge...and STILL didn't make Bret's top three. These girls are stepping things up to a whole new level.
3. One of the girls drank so much during the first night of partying (there's always one...) that she missed the first round of eliminations because she was passed out in one of the bedrooms. When she woke up the next morning, she was kindly asked to get the fuck out.
4. One of my favorites...after elimination, everyone gathered together and cracked open an ice cold Bret's Brew! Yes, there's a brand of beer made just for the show that all of the remaining contestants drink to close out every episode.

To pass the time until something cool happens, I started keeping track of the number of times Bret says "awesome" in each episode. After the first episode, I expanded the list to include other words Bret seems to be fond of. I guess I jinxed it because he kind of trailed off on his use of the major "Bret Words" in episode 2. Check out the results from the second episode:

Awesome: 5 times
Chemistry/Connection: 6 times
Gotcha: 4 times
Cool: 5 times

Now that might not seem that impressive, but take another look. This is an hour long show. Take away 20 minutes for commercials, and it's a 40 minute show. I would estimate that the girls in the show talk for about 60% of the time, so that would leave Bret with about 16 minutes of speaking time per episode. Considering he used 20 of the special "keywords" in these 16 minutes, you can really appreciate how limited his vocabulary is.

Even more impressive is the fact that in the first episode, Bret said "awesome" 18 times. That's right...Bret said awesome MORE THAN ONCE PER MINUTE!!! That's so...AWESOME!!!

I'll give this season a few more tries before I call it a complete waste, but it really has to step up to impress me. It hasn't been totally bad per se, but there hasn't been much to impress me either. I guess this whole review could have been summed up by fellow Rocker of Love E-Claire when she said the following earlier today:

"The girls are sluttier, they're dumber, and Bret still says 'awesome' a lot. That's about it."

Until next episode, I'll leave you all with a few glimpses into the world of Bret Michaels and his Slutty Vixens.

Bret picks out the women to spend the night with him like groupies. Wait...they're all groupies. Nevermind.

The Meat Market is open for business. Each girl comes with 4 shots of hard liquor so you can look them in the face and not throw up.

The 4 VIP girls. There are the best of the group?

...I don't think I need to comment.

Disgusting. Next.

This is the amount of Bret's Brew Big John has to down before every taping of the show so he can temporarily forget about the total sham his life has become. Also, he's an alcoholic.