Under/Overrated: All-American Edition, Vol. 1

January 16, 2008 | Comments (0) | by Chaim Witz


Puppies: You might say, 'But Chaim, everybody loves puppies!' You'd be wrong. You don't know some of the people I know. Plus, with all this rampant dogfighting going on*, the popularity of puppies is at an all-time low. In this post-Vick society we live in, saying you love puppies is akin to aligning yourself with Hitler. All that said....puppies are underrated. Fucking puppies dude. They're cute. Sure they may piss on your new shirt and eat your copy of the New Yorker before you're finished reading it. But look at the little guy. Awwwww....he's just a little fucking puppy!

Baseball: Football is really king here in America. And I'm not talking about the kind that Mexican people pronounce 'futbol'. But really, baseball is America's past time. And with the advent of the Mitchell Report, I fully expect baseball to reclaim it's crown as 'America's Game'.

Tractors: I forsee a day when this is really all anybody drives. John Deere Tractors. These things are beasts. Hey pretty boy...I raise your Hummer with my industrial size Combine Tractor! Who's got the bigger dick now?

Bikes: Are bikes uniquely American? Don't tell that to those folks living on that landmass known as 'Asia'. But for our purposes, and according to a few Norman Rockwell paintings I've seen, yes, they are. I'll ride one of these things. Shit. They work your leg muscles, help reduce fumes and whatnot, and are useful for popping sweet wheelies.

Jeans: I have an abnormally short torso, so I'm not a fan of tucking in shirts. In khakis, where tucking is mandatory, from a distance and to those with vision problems, I appear to be a head perched atop two legs. With jeans, there is a distinct 'no tuck' rule, which I love. Jeans can be dressed up, dressed down...they don't give a shit. They last for years and are one of the few articles of clothing that actually look better when they're a bit worn in and faded. Though don't be tricked into thinking that you can make this American standard into shorts and still look cool. You would be wrong, as these are mockingly referred to as 'jorts'. And for Christ Sakes, don't swim in your jeans either.


Apple Pie: Booo! Screw this noise. The only time I will accept this into my life is if it's accompanied by a half melted slab of vanilla ice cream. Do people still put these on their windowsills to let them cool down? What a gay practice that was. You could do such much better. Stop living inside your little box. Chocolate Mousse, Key Lime, Rhubarb, Cherry. I could go on folks. I imagine you listen to Nickelback while you eat your Apple Pie.

Chocolate Chip Cookies: See 'Apple Pie'. Are you that unimaginative? Are you a shut-in? Is your favorite drink 'tap water'? Chances are if you answered 'yes' to any of the aforementioned questions, then you love chocolate chip cookies. Oatmeal. Sugar. Peanut Butter. Hell, even a godddamn Monster Cookie is a better choice. Also, these cookies must be chewy. Who likes the little hard ones? Gross. If you enjoy hard chocolate chip cookies, you have probably also been seen on 'To Catch a Predator'.

Mickey Mouse: This guy just needs to be put in a wood chipper. Bugs Bunny bitchslaps Mickey Mouse.

Pizza: I'm gonna get it for this one. Sure, it's easy and it's cheap. That's half the appeal. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy a good slice as much as the next fat American. But given it's insane popularity, pizza is probably overrated. It epitomizes how fat, lazy and unimaginative we've become as a society. That said, I made a frozen pizza tonight. Alas, I am fat and lazy. Case closed.

All-American Teams: Does anyone watch the McDonald's All-American game? Liar. All-Americans have been dead to me since Bob Hope stopped announcing the football All-Americans on his Christmas Special. That last statement definatively puts to rest any speculation. Yes, I am in my late 70's.

McDonalds: Though I've cheated and ordered their breakfast on occasion over the past few years (when I've been in the mood to get explosive diarrhea), I have pretty much eliminated this corporate monstrosity from my life. I'm not a big fast food guy to begin with, unless I'm on a road trip or high on heroin, but this place is the lowest of the low. I don't get why people jizz all over their fries either. They're about as limp as Bob Dole before he found Viagra. When and if I have kids, they won't be eating here. I'm a sadistic son of a bitch.

The All-American Rejects: There's a reason this country has rejected you. What song do you even sing? Who's to say really? I would venture to guess that your jeans are too tight and at one point or another you made a suggestive pass at Ashlee Simpson.

*Oh if I had a nickel for every weekend where I uttered the phrase, 'No, really, I'd love to come to the dogfights tonight, but I promised my wife that we'd spend some quality time together. You know how it is.'