5 Things I Don't Understand

I'm not the smartest person in the world...But I'm certainly not the dumbest...I mean, I've read books like The Unbearable Lightness Of Being and Love In The Time of Cholera...And I think I've understood them...

Anyway, movie quotes aside, there are some things in the world that I just don't understand. So, in my effort to be the first person to post something under the "nonsense" category...Here are 5 things that I just don't "get" in life...

1. "It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia." I realize that I'm opening myself up for criticism here...I am well aware of the undying love some people have for this show. I experienced it first hand on Halloween, when Daft Funk dressed up as "Greenman" - a character in the show - and walked down the streets of San Diego to chants of "Dude! Greenman! Awesome! " and "Hey! It's fucking Greenman!" We even had an American Gladiator and a ping pong player follow us around for a portion of the evening because they wanted us to know that they "had Greenman's back." It was awesome and awkward all at the same time. Anyway, before you say something like "You're such an asshole! How can you NOT love Always Sunny?" please hear me out on why I don't understand this show...The only episodes I've seen so far have been the following: An episode where Dee has a heart attack and Danny Devito winds up in a mental hospital...An episode where Dennis ends up in rehab because he's trying to write his memoir, and for some reason, Sinbad wants to kick his ass...And an episode set in 1776 where the crew cracks the Liberty Bell, Dee keeps spitting in a dude's face, and Mack and Dennis walk around saying "Would you like a spot of tea? Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeesssssssss!" Oh, and in the Sinbad episode, for some reason, Rob Thomas from Matchbox Twenty is his bitch. So maybe I just haven't seen the right episodes, but as of right now, every time I've watched this show, I end up saying "What the hell was that?" instead of laughing hysterically like I'm supposed to. Someone please tell me what I'm missing...

2. Crocs. What the hell are these things? They look like something I'd wear while tending to my prize petunias in the garden, yet I see people wearing these things while they shop, go to the beach, and practice playing guitar on the front steps of their frat house. Seriously...What purpose do they serve? They don't offer the actual protection of a shoe - because they don't have a back and there are holes in the top...Yet they don't offer the freedom of a flip flop because they cover your toes. And is it true you can buy charms to stick in the holes on top of the shoe? Why do you need to decorate something that's going to get covered in mud, dirt, chewing gum, or whatever else you're going to step on/in while walking? Lame. Oh yeah, Crocs hurt children, too...

3. Saying that something is "The balls." I guess this is supposed to mean that something is awesome. For example, you might say "This sandwich is the balls!" or "My new leather jacket is the balls!" Apparently, this saying made a comeback when it was used in Anchorman ("Ron Burgundy was the balls")...But I don't understand why being "the balls" is a good thing. If someone told me that I was "the balls," I'd assume they were telling me I was sweaty, stinky, or hairy. I don't want to be any of those things...

4. The mid-life crisis. Since when did turning 40 mean that you have to ditch your spouse, buy a Porsche, and go on the prowl for people 20 years your junior? What's so bad about getting older? You become more established in your career, you get discounts on your dinner at IHOP, and when you yell at people, they don't automatically assume you're trying to "rebel against society." Plus, look at this list of people who got more awesome as they got older: Sean Connery, the cast of The Golden Girls, Bob Barker, and Abe Lincoln. Look, I'm in mid-20's, and it's not always that fun...I don't get any respect. The other day, I opened the door for the cable person and they asked if one of my parents was home...Jackass.

5. The person who did this. But just because I don't understand it doesn't mean I don't think it's rad. This person has more musical talent than I ever will...

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